Very old, very broken

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aconite, Sep 3, 2011.

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  1. aconite

    aconite New Member

    I'm 33. I think that's older then most people here. I've been depressed most of my life and I don't think there is much hope of my getting better now.

    Been medicated since 17. In therapy several times (including now). Have managed to stay working most of the time, but otherwise just barely getting by. Existing, not living.

    Now look like I might be about to lose my job because of this. Losing home because of boyfriend's ex-wife pushing him to sell. Look like having to move home with my parents.

    Failure. Freak. Few friends. Am now thinking in terms of timing and methods for ending it all. I love my parents so much, but I can't live through this. I don't want to. I want everything to stop. I've run out right out from the cliff edge, right into empty space and now I'm just waiting to fall.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: Hi there. It's my pleasure to welcome you to SF. Thanks for the introduction. Wishing you the best and hoping you stay safe...Mr. A
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am older than you.
    Things can get better, there are ways to attack automatic thoughts that depress you that do work.

    You have a job and a relationship so you are not a failure by most standards. Few friends - better a few good friends than a crowd of folk who do not really know you. Freak - why do you feel you are a freak?
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    33 - wow that IS old.

    Do you remember WW2 then?

    Or cowboys and indians?


    Sorry for the humour - but I'm 46 - and don't feel old in any way!

    I've had depression all my adult life - but so what?

    Also - lost jobs - lost a VERY big part of my life - something I loved - got taken away - in a fashion which was ugly - brutal - vindictive and an affront to every last vestige of my beliefs!

    But - what is broken by people far bigger than I - I can rebuild - with broken tools - or build something else - find more things to do.

    And - as the parents - I look after mine. I've moved back many times - but felt no shame. Actually felt great - home cooking - nice clean bedsheets - cooked meals - if I wanted.

    If you have to move back for a while - its only a while. Your boyfriend - I'm sure will find something of he loses this home. Were there is a will there is a way - and I hope things are good with you at least.

    As for medication - hmmm - well - you got to consider is it working? I never used any - felt bad for a lot of the time - but if you have long term depression - maybe lifetime - then maybe you can reduce meds and see if that makes you better. I'm about to try multivits and minerals - plus more exercise - walking - and so on.

    Sure some need lifetimes meds - but for me the only meds that worked lasted 2 weeks.

    Well - your down now as a few things are happening which make you insecure - but you got options - your not homeless - and things will work out.

    There are 3 million at least with no jobs in the UK - are we all freaks? No we are not.

    You have few friends?

    That's lucky - most people who think they have more friends than the fingers on their hands - have not tested the friendship as of yet.

    You got a boyfriend - hopefully a nice one - otherwise - throw him off a cliff. I mean he slipped over accidentally - and your heartbroken. lol.

    You are NOT a failure.

    People who lose homes are not failures.

    You did not spend the rent money did you?

    You got this situation with a mother in law or whatever - and we all stumble and fall sometimes

    I've lost lots of homes and jobs

    They all sucked anyhow.

    I'm ok now - and hey - how about your mums area - work - jobs - get a home with your boyfriend?

    You could move elsewhere in the UK maybe.

    Something will come up so cheer up a little and less of the old at 33 remarks!!

    Ah - your so young!

    Regards and hope you feel a bit better after the comments here and others do make excellent advice for you.

    So there is hope - your not at the cliff edge - your just on the path to it and have a long way to go.

    Best head back - find something else to do really.

    Its not worth letting ourselves ruminate.

    Good luck - things will be fine Aconite.
  5. aconite

    aconite New Member

    I have never wanted to end things so much.

    I don't know what to do with myself. Have made plans but not in a position to carry through yet.

    I have no life left. Nothing to try for.

    Please please please... will somebody just let me go...
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI aconite..and welcome to SF..
    I'm way older than you and way older than peacelovingguy too :)

    I can hear how overwhelmed you are and understand your feelings of wanting to die..
    there are other options though..dieing is not the answer.
    moving in with your parents might be a good thing so you can save for a place of your own..
    I'm sorry you feel you're a failure and a freak... that is the depression making you feel that way..
    have you had your meds adjusted lately? perhaps they need changing?

    if you don't feel safe please call someone or go to the hospital and get help..*hug*

    hope you will keep reaching out here..
  7. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm only a year younger than you. So if you're old than that makes me old too.
    Your life has got to be better than mine. I don't see any hope in my life either. But I do hope that you can somehow get through this.
  8. otiose

    otiose Member

    Oh fucking puh-lease. I'm 41, King of Losers. OK well I'm not a drug addict living on the streets, but I'm only one small step removed from them. I'm 41, haven't had a real job since 2002, and my prospects get worse by the day simply because of that gap. If my wife ever decides to leave me (she threatens to constantly), I'm fucked. I have a 20-gauge shotgun, buckshot, and vodka for just that arrangement of circumstances. Feeling like a loser is part and parcel of my daily existence. I mow the lawn during the day when most normal people are at work. I run errands because I'm unemployable. Friends? How many friends do I have? Make a fist. Doughnut. Take 1, subtract 1. I suck and I know it. The few people who tolerate me, I feel, are feigning it and it may end at any moment. My life is shit and I hate every moment. Alcohol is my only friend.

    This is not an autobiography, it was simply meant to instruct you that there ARE bigger pieces of shit out there.

    Of course, I would also argue that ours (I assume you are in the US) is a sick society, where true diversity is not only not appreciated, it is scoffed at, and ground into the dirt and spit upon. American society is bullshit and it forces certain people to the edge and keeps them there. As much as I hate my life, I would rather stay on that edge than lie about who I am.

    Have I mentioned that I'm an asshole and an idiot with nothing to say? Probably self-evident at this point. Fuck it.
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