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Very suicidal again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by f8fbearcat, Oct 29, 2008.

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  1. f8fbearcat

    f8fbearcat New Member

    Hi, I'm a 40 year old male with a history of mental illness; schizophrenia, bipolar, anxiety disorder, etc etc. I tried to kill myself last year by taking every pill I had, which was over 100 different pills like XXXX and loads more. The pills made me wacky and without realizing it, I called a friend who then called the police. They arrived and packed me of to the hospital. Unbelievably, I BS'd my way out of being admitted to the behavioral health unit and was released from the ER in the morning. I told them that my ambien made me kooky and that it did the same to my sister and father. They called and verified this and believed me, the morons.
    Part of my problem is that I seem fine and dandy to everyone, no one thinks I am suicidal or even MI, unless they are close to me. You would NEVER know I am MI by talking to me on the street or wherever.
    I have no job, I live on Disability, I have no friends anymore, no pets anymore and no family left. I'm way behind on my bills, my cable and internet have been turned off, my electric was turned off and I literally have nothing but an apartment filled with family antiques. I charge my cell (smartphone) phones three batteries at a Starbucks everyday which allows me internet access for the day and night.
    Its getting cold out again and I just can't deal with another winter of cold and ice. I want to tell my therapist that I am suicidal, but I really can't go into the hospital again as all that has ever done is made me feel even worse upon release. Group homes don't cut it either, nor do Partials.
    I can easily get a handgun and off myself. Death is simple for me and I am not afraid to die, not in the least. I am an athiest, but I do hope there is 'another side' where I can see everyone that has passed. I obsess about suicide, I have researched it and read about it and have watched videos of suicide. I would hate for anyone to have to find me, so when the time comes, I plan on going deep into the large nearby national park and offing myself, where I can be at peace with nature and the creatures of the forest.

    So why am I here? Why am I typing all this on this miniature keyboard? I don't really know, maybe someone can tell me...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2008
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I can't speak for wherever you live, but in Oregon, you wouldn't have to live the way you are. I'm on disability, too, and get food stamps, energy assistance, telephone assistance, free access to the county mental health therapists...You can get a brochure from most county offices to see what's available for you where you live. Do you have Medicare? You can get a library card and go online free. (Ours has a one hour per day limit.)

    Why don't you get a dog or cat? Mine were both therapeutic to me when I was most deeply depressed and seriously suicidal (I tried a bunch of times). They seemed to feel it when I was so far down.

    I'm 58, male, and am listed as having major depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety disorder and PTSD. Seems like there's something else, but that covers enough territory. There's usually a solution somewhere for any problem we have. The challenge is finding it, but it can be done one thing at a time.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you found us...and sorry I had to delete some of your post...maybe you found us because knowing you are not alone does make a difference...about not telling your therapist...maybe you should be honest with him/her so s/he can treat your actual problems??? just wanted to send my caring and to let you know there are many of us here who have similar experiences...big hugs, J
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey bearcat,
    :massmoon::welcome: I am glad you have found the forum! You will find quite a few ppl here with similar problems. You will get advice, support, and ppl who care!!
    when you start feeling that way stop what you are doing and try asking what the thought is that is driving you to feel this way. My therapist is constantly asking me whats the thought that is provoking this. Maybe find your self a good therapist they help quite a bit. Good Luck!!!~Joseph~
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