very troubled

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Insignificant, Oct 22, 2006.

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  1. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i am not even sure where to begin here. at the beginning of last dec. my daughter came into my room and she was crying. she was crying like i had never seen from her before. i knew something was wrong, but what? i encouraged her to come sit by me and gently asked her what was wrong. she told me that she couldn't get this out of her mind. i told her everything was ok. i wanted her to feel this was a safe time to talk. it was then she decided to talk and my whole world came crumbling to the ground.
    my daughter proceeded to tell me that when she was much younger a guy that we knew and trusted at the time violated her. the whole thing could have been much worse than as it went, but none the less, my baby girl saw how ugly the world can be, and i subjected her to it.
    this of course brought up my own rapes that i have suffered latest one being just a couple of years ago, but beyond all that one of the very things i have tried to be so careful of and protecting her i failed and miserably. when she told me what happened all i could do was cry with her. i hurt for her so bad and i would have given anything to take the pain away from her. my world began to spiral out of control.
    i bring this up because this is one of those things that i am having the hardest time living with. the guilt i feel for putting her in harms way. i know i didn't know but that doesn't help me feel any better about what i had done to her. i have been extremely struggling with this ever sinse. i have gotten her into counseling and have always been there whenever she has needed to talk. of course i reassured her that she did nothing wrong and what he did was not right. inside i feel like someone must die for hurting my baby. it's good for him i guess that sinse we moved from out there in that town he has also moved to another state. we of course pressed charges and of course he denied it. the charges were dropped because she couldn't remember more of the incident and i told her that was ok. it's meant to be that way for a reason. i assurred her there is no pressure for her to remember but never the less so frustrating.
    i feel divided. there is a part of me that would love nothing more than to tear that young man apart. i would love nothing more than committing unspeakable crimes against him for what he did to my daughter then when i was done there kill him ever so slowly. if i saw him today i'm sure i would but i am not going to set out in hunt for him. not only that my daughter specifically asked for no violence.
    i am also having some extreme difficulty living with myself over this, but complicatedly enough its more than that too. it's also brought up every feeling i have ever felt as far as my own rapes were concerned. i just don't know how to handle all of this. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to talk about this more than i have right here. i know i need to deal with it, but it's so painful i don't know that i can make it through this. i just don't know what to do and i am ever so troubled maybe even said disturbed about this.
    i don't know how much longer i can handle this. the anniversary of her telling me is quickly coming upon us, and the holidays are hell for me anyways. how can i get through this???!!!!!
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I'm not going to talk about myself, as this is about you and your daughter, but when I was younger I was sexually abused on a regular basis by a family friend and to this day, my parents do not know about it. The reason for this is I know it will hurt them a lot, just like it has to you.

    As a person who can somewhat step into your daughters shoes, I want to tell you that you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to your daughter in any way. What happened to your daughter was terrible but you were not to know that this would have happened.

    It's normal for you to feel angry and upset about what has happened to your daughter, any protective parent would feel the same way and even though it's difficult for you, especially considering your own personal experiences, you are dealing with this situation very well indeed and I'm sure that your daughter appreciates everything you are doing right now.

    I know these next few months are going to be difficult, but like I said in the other thread, you CAN get through it. You can be there for your daughter, and she can be there for you, and we'll be here for each other. :hug:
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey rhino.. I wanted to tell you that this is NOT your fault. none of this is. was it your mothers fault when the things happened to you?.. No, and there is nothing you can do. It hurts a lot, i can see, and i undertsand that because any mother would feel that way. But you still cant blame yourself. The guy that did it might have had something wrong with him or he was just a bit messed up. People do this and there is not much you can do to stop them. Please dont blame yourself and just be there for your daughter like she needs you. Take care, hope to talk to you soon x
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i appreciate both yours and allos words of encouragement. i just hope that someday i can come to be ok with it.

    there is something that i want to say as a parent to you resistance. no matter how troubled it makes me i would so much rather my children tell me what is going on for them than for them to carry it alone. if heard later that they carried that by themselves and never told me i would be so crushed. i would feel like i really failed them because they didn't feel like they could come to me about it. it's been really important to me that these children of mine have always felt like they could come to me no matter what, because after all i didn't have that and i would have really appreciated it.

    all this to say, i just think should your parents ever find out on their own what happened to you it might just hurt them more than if you had told them in the first place. most parents really want to be there for everything for their child. a parents love is just like that. just something to think about.

    thanx again :arms:
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