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Very very tired of trying...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ronaldh, Mar 17, 2010.

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  1. Ronaldh

    Ronaldh New Member

    Hey folks. This is my 1st post ever about this subject, so please bear with me and my long windedness.

    I am a 44 year agnostic old guy with a history of Alcoholism, drug abuse and depression. Currently taking 40mg of Celexia daily. I have been fighting with these issues for what seems like my entire life. They have caused me so many problems in my life and with my marriage. As far as the alcoholism, i know I am an alcoholic...no fooling myself here, I am broken. Up until the last 6-7 months ago, I never really wanted to try getting sober, didn't think it was even possible, but that has changed... I finally got serious. I bought an alcohol tester, and have my wife test me daily. Been doin really really well, had a few minor slips (no more than 5, and no more than 2 beers a time) but feel really encouraged. Still, i feel like crap all the time. Tired, so tired of fighting the urges, trying to keep on the straight and narrow, trying to be good. I feel like I have just had enough, and started to think about just checking out of the whole deal. Wife would be happier and not stuck with me...i dunno. I am tired of feeling worthless, tired of being bored with my life, tired of everything. I just can't see an end in sight, i know I'll always be fighting myself to not drink. I need some help and understanding, and my wife's supply is running real dry. Had a mike's hard lemonade last night, and once again she hates me. I hate me. I could use some help. Sorry to dump all this...will check back in a couple hrs.

    thx folks
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you found us...any addiction is very difficult to overcome, so please be more compassionate with yourself...you did not start drinking recently, so it is a long, entrenched habit...I hope you find the support you are seeking here, as there are many ppl who truly understand what you are going through...welcome again and big hugs, J
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Your not dumping on us that is what SF is for and btw welcome I am glad you found this place.

    I admire you efforts and know that if you keep at it you can beat your alcoholism. Sounds like your wife is supportive to a point but is very frustrated. Have you thought about AA? You will met lots of people in the same boat as you - fighting. You will get not only support from those that understand what you are battling but also some tools and tips on how best to wage that battle. Just a thought as I know it must be one helluva fight you have on your hands.

    Sorry I am not able to give you much support regarding fighting life and hanging in there..I am about ready to call it quicks myself ...just too tired to go on so I know how you feel. Please continue to post and reach out. I was this suicidal last summer and this place really helped me to make it this far and it has save many lived too so stick with it please.

    Welcome to SF, may you find the love and support you seek, Bambi
  4. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Awww, I feel your pain so personally. You are not an unworthy person because you need to drink to relieve your pain. The problem begins when the alcohol changes your personality. People can't deal with that, so my advice at this point in time (not forever because you might be able to give up alcohol altogether one day) is to not let your drinking ruin what you would do if you were not drinking. If you can get this, you will not be harmed by drinking in the moments you feel you must have a drink. In other words, it will not ruin your relationship with the people you love the most. I hope you get what I'm saying. I'm not giving the okay to drink indiscriminately. Please don't think that or I will be kicked out of this forum. I'm already kicked out of the chatroom. :(
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