Had enough. Always felt I was meant to do something big. Figured out when I was 17 that my purpose in life was to guide humanity into a better world. Couldn't figure out how. Didn't know that if I had the right companion, I could do pretty much anything. Found the supposedly right one. After an initial bonding, they reversed course very quickly much to my horror. They were deathly afraid of commitment and had low self-esteem, had a misguided obsession with being 'normal' and were scared off. This happened several times. This is after raising myself, being empty and disconnected from my family and friends my entire life (despite having an avid fake 'social' life in many respects), and hitting massive existential depression. After brutal cruelty from the first 'right one' I met, I had a revelation about how to do something about all this. I drew up blueprints for how to advance critical thinking, existentialism, love, ultimate human potential, and socialism. A logical, tangible method that is exceedingly rare because most 'revolutionaries' and 'idealists' tend to be fundamentally illogical. Use capitalism to amass wealth bring extremely different and aggressive/driven people together so they don't suffer; raise children with these traits in a nurturing rather than toxic environment. I also have extreme mastery over finances and I've pulled in $8000 at the age of 22 running at 0% mental capacity. All I needed was that spark. But no, too little, too late. Too rare. Felt like something higher was always holding me back and forcing me to hold on even though I didn't want to keep going on in this catatonic depression. Had multiple run ins with what was undeniably 'divine intervention' yet I am not being given the spark to do my work. I have come to the following conclusions: 1. Mentally, I am between 200 and 1000 years old. Time slowed down plus frantic mental speed/learning curve = much longer mental life span. 2. I have a tolerance for psychological pain/resilience probably ten times higher than the toughest Navy Seals (high special defense). I almost never break down; when I do, the break downs are of epic proportions, but are over quickly and the ice flows thru my veins soon after 3. I have a pathetic physical pain tolerance (low defenses), especially for 'irritating' chronic pain. I respond poorly to medication almost universally. I am ultra sensitive to light, temperature, sound, taste, smell, and can see extremely well in the dark. 4. I think differently to the point of one in one million, possibly. In a very unique 'web relay' kind of fashion. 5. I am cold and calculated, yet selfless and compassionate all rolled into one. Machiavellian, yet merciful. This is not something I have seen in someone else. I have met rationalists and I have met empathic idealists, but never someone who is both. I am a Socialist who recognizes that Socialism is not viable, therefore, I will use the tools available (capitalism) to subvert the system in a methodical manner and accumulate wealth to further this cause amongst others over time. The sole important factor is which method achieves the objective with the highest efficacy. However, I have had no fuel in the tank and that problem must be taken care of before steps can be taken in this direction. Given the 'railway problem' in which you have to pull a switch to save either 4 or 12 people on separate railway cars, I would pull the 12 without hesitation unless I had knowledge that one of the 4 had unusual potential. I believe that potential is much higher in even average people than most think. In one instance, I met a woman who embodied many of my traits, but was very defensive and illogical. I simply told her that ranting about how much capitalism sucks on her blog was not going to change anything in this world or scare the capitalists. 6. I'm actually not arrogant and always admit my mistakes and shortcomings, which are many when you are pushed this far. 7. I exist solely to serve mankind thru a higher force but require a companion of equal aggression, intellect, drive, and abstract intellect 8. I am an excessively good liar to the point where it is automatic 9. I have a very high level of sociability which is completely fake. However, my high confidence and security are very real. 10. I am a hardcore skeptic who has been led to believe in the paranormal thru some undeniable experiences 11. I do not really do drugs, and my willpower is so high that I am able to maintain coordination and awareness even on very high doses of substances which has happened on rare occasions 12. I feel like I have been 'built' for some purpose like a 300 foot tall husk of iron, near invulnerable to psychological attack but not completely invulnerable. 13. I frequently feel like I belong in the distant future. I recognize that it is at your lowest that you experience God the most. Thru my revelations and the plans I subsequently designed, I believe myself and a suitable companion could advance positive values in humanity by as much as 50 years over the next 125. This would be implemented thru snowballing and 'critical mass', some of the most powerful effects in the world. I call it the 'butterfly effect explosion'. 14. I have a remarkable ability to help people. Dozens of people have said I have saved their lives, and I've helped hundreds while being dead inside thru experiencing nearly the entire range of mental problems (though I have never went schizophrenic or truly insane). I sometimes have cryptic nagging feelings, however. On August 1, 2012, I went to the train tracks. We have the highest speed corridor in the entire United States. I had an immaculate plan which could never have resulted in myself becoming committed, which would not help, but simply enrage me. For some bizarre reason, I decided to phone my lifelong best friend (I had originally not planned to) even though I figured that since 50 million people died in WWII and I tried to the point of far past my breaking, it was justified. What's one more? What's beyond the curtain? Maybe its just a simulation. At worst, its just a 0. I've put more effort towards doing good for this world than 100 people combined, therefore there would be absolutely no reason for enduring suffering in a hypothetical afterlife. I was forced into giving it a day. Though mentally tough to the extreme, the narrow brush with death left me exhausted and mentally even tougher. The exhaustion put me off the idea for a little while, but given how much I have endured, I am literally incapable of not self-destructing if this goes on. Being a hollow man and mentally breaking over and over again put you in a position that even the most heavily depressed people cannot remotely understand. I exist only to serve mankind and possibly other sentient forces if they exist (and they do, I believe)...but if I am not given the spark to carry out my work while under the heaviest pressure imaginable by an average depressed person times one thousand, my body will literally self-terminate. If you've played the Dune games, think of Ordos + Atreides minus Evil x 10 in intensity.