Very, very, very close.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by HawthornePassage, Aug 4, 2012.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Had enough. Always felt I was meant to do something big. Figured out when I was 17 that my purpose in life was to guide humanity into a better world. Couldn't figure out how. Didn't know that if I had the right companion, I could do pretty much anything. Found the supposedly right one. After an initial bonding, they reversed course very quickly much to my horror. They were deathly afraid of commitment and had low self-esteem, had a misguided obsession with being 'normal' and were scared off. This happened several times. This is after raising myself, being empty and disconnected from my family and friends my entire life (despite having an avid fake 'social' life in many respects), and hitting massive existential depression. After brutal cruelty from the first 'right one' I met, I had a revelation about how to do something about all this. I drew up blueprints for how to advance critical thinking, existentialism, love, ultimate human potential, and socialism. A logical, tangible method that is exceedingly rare because most 'revolutionaries' and 'idealists' tend to be fundamentally illogical. Use capitalism to amass wealth bring extremely different and aggressive/driven people together so they don't suffer; raise children with these traits in a nurturing rather than toxic environment. I also have extreme mastery over finances and I've pulled in $8000 at the age of 22 running at 0% mental capacity. All I needed was that spark. But no, too little, too late. Too rare. Felt like something higher was always holding me back and forcing me to hold on even though I didn't want to keep going on in this catatonic depression. Had multiple run ins with what was undeniably 'divine intervention' yet I am not being given the spark to do my work.

    I have come to the following conclusions:

    1. Mentally, I am between 200 and 1000 years old. Time slowed down plus frantic mental speed/learning curve = much longer mental life span.

    2. I have a tolerance for psychological pain/resilience probably ten times higher than the toughest Navy Seals (high special defense). I almost never break down; when I do, the break downs are of epic proportions, but are over quickly and the ice flows thru my veins soon after

    3. I have a pathetic physical pain tolerance (low defenses), especially for 'irritating' chronic pain. I respond poorly to medication almost universally. I am ultra sensitive to light, temperature, sound, taste, smell, and can see extremely well in the dark.

    4. I think differently to the point of one in one million, possibly. In a very unique 'web relay' kind of fashion.

    5. I am cold and calculated, yet selfless and compassionate all rolled into one. Machiavellian, yet merciful. This is not something I have seen in someone else. I have met rationalists and I have met empathic idealists, but never someone who is both. I am a Socialist who recognizes that Socialism is not viable, therefore, I will use the tools available (capitalism) to subvert the system in a methodical manner and accumulate wealth to further this cause amongst others over time. The sole important factor is which method achieves the objective with the highest efficacy. However, I have had no fuel in the tank and that problem must be taken care of before steps can be taken in this direction. Given the 'railway problem' in which you have to pull a switch to save either 4 or 12 people on separate railway cars, I would pull the 12 without hesitation unless I had knowledge that one of the 4 had unusual potential. I believe that potential is much higher in even average people than most think.

    In one instance, I met a woman who embodied many of my traits, but was very defensive and illogical. I simply told her that ranting about how much capitalism sucks on her blog was not going to change anything in this world or scare the capitalists.

    6. I'm actually not arrogant and always admit my mistakes and shortcomings, which are many when you are pushed this far.

    7. I exist solely to serve mankind thru a higher force but require a companion of equal aggression, intellect, drive, and abstract intellect

    8. I am an excessively good liar to the point where it is automatic

    9. I have a very high level of sociability which is completely fake. However, my high confidence and security are very real.

    10. I am a hardcore skeptic who has been led to believe in the paranormal thru some undeniable experiences

    11. I do not really do drugs, and my willpower is so high that I am able to maintain coordination and awareness even on very high doses of substances which has happened on rare occasions

    12. I feel like I have been 'built' for some purpose like a 300 foot tall husk of iron, near invulnerable to psychological attack but not completely invulnerable.

    13. I frequently feel like I belong in the distant future. I recognize that it is at your lowest that you experience God the most. Thru my revelations and the plans I subsequently designed, I believe myself and a suitable companion could advance positive values in humanity by as much as 50 years over the next 125. This would be implemented thru snowballing and 'critical mass', some of the most powerful effects in the world. I call it the 'butterfly effect explosion'.

    14. I have a remarkable ability to help people. Dozens of people have said I have saved their lives, and I've helped hundreds while being dead inside thru experiencing nearly the entire range of mental problems (though I have never went schizophrenic or truly insane). I sometimes have cryptic nagging feelings, however.

    On August 1, 2012, I went to the train tracks. We have the highest speed corridor in the entire United States. I had an immaculate plan which could never have resulted in myself becoming committed, which would not help, but simply enrage me. For some bizarre reason, I decided to phone my lifelong best friend (I had originally not planned to) even though I figured that since 50 million people died in WWII and I tried to the point of far past my breaking, it was justified. What's one more? What's beyond the curtain? Maybe its just a simulation. At worst, its just a 0. I've put more effort towards doing good for this world than 100 people combined, therefore there would be absolutely no reason for enduring suffering in a hypothetical afterlife. I was forced into giving it a day. Though mentally tough to the extreme, the narrow brush with death left me exhausted and mentally even tougher. The exhaustion put me off the idea for a little while, but given how much I have endured, I am literally incapable of not self-destructing if this goes on. Being a hollow man and mentally breaking over and over again put you in a position that even the most heavily depressed people cannot remotely understand. I exist only to serve mankind and possibly other sentient forces if they exist (and they do, I believe)...but if I am not given the spark to carry out my work while under the heaviest pressure imaginable by an average depressed person times one thousand, my body will literally self-terminate.

    If you've played the Dune games, think of Ordos + Atreides minus Evil x 10 in intensity.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You seem to be a person of so many contrasts...must be difficult to find respite in all of that...what would it take for you to find that spark? I have found that if I look at helping an individual, it is considerably more attainable than a much larger plan...maybe there is a way for you to channel all you are capable of doing into some simplier design, to accomplish that and then move up the ladder
  3. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    I need a female companion who embodies many of these traits and can comprehend the darkness yet is highly logical and driven (or at least capable of being so; even this is incredibly rare and I have a 'radar' for identifying people like this which is accurate). Finding this person cannot happen in normal life circumstances. Shyness, submissiveness, and passiveness do not work with me well. That is the only possible positive outcome to this situation. I also need that person very quickly. Looking at simpler things is irrelevant. I am capable of that, but only once the spark problem is solved.
  4. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Also, not to rub it in, but difficult is a hyper-understatement. Imagine living solely so you don't hurt people who depend on you, falling truly in love with someone mutually, having them completely reverse course because of various personal bullshit that they partially project onto you, eventually come to their senses then lie to your face and tell you they love you and drag you across the country only to spit curse words at you after you wait for them for 8 days and basically tell you to go die (on the last day, after putting it off 10 times), all the while not giving any legitimate explanations besides self-victimizing bullshit and "I'm too unstable to help you" type crap when you don't even need their fucking help in the way they're thinking of it. Not only that, they flat out ignore you. Oh, and imagine if you finally find someone who might be a potential candidate afterwards, but ends up sucking especially because you needed them quickly. Yeah. Imagine doing this while running on no fuel and being judged by that first person as if you're an analogue of them when you're not and you could help them...not be so unstable. But they don't care. They've lodged their head so far in the sand. You even offer after brutal cruelty they've done to you to forgive repeatedly, and they give you more BS. Yeah. Imagine having white hot knives stabbed in every crevice of your head for a hundred years, only to get used to them, have them get hotter, and repeat the process 5-10 times. Always out of reach. Then you get what feels like about a 5 day respite, swing back and fourth solely based on hope, and crash and get back up again and again. Yeah, I think this would make the average Marine empty a whole clip into their head (probably much earlier in) if such were physically possible. So yeah, I think its time for this old man to call it quits. If even the smartest people are going to be self-pitying, flippant, and cruel, then there's no point at all since the spark is just going to keep running around an inch from the tip of my fingers. After being only half able to breathe for 100 years while running in circles, go buy a bottle of Gatorade, put nails in your shoes, and run 50 miles. Then pour hydrochloric acid on your arms and run another 50. Then blow your hand off with a shotgun and climb a 300 foot ladder. Then get ignored and laughed at. It's about that much fun. Except if that actually happened to someone, people would be like "yeah they were totally justified in committing suicide!!!11". But people lack the capacity to understand the mental equivalent of these things which is actually more devastating.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2012
  5. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Yeah relationships suck. Too bad we need them. Sigh.
  6. Blue Eyed Red

    Blue Eyed Red New Member

    I don't intend to offend, but have you ever thought that perhaps you weren't exactly important to mankind? It's an entertaining belief, and perhaps it is the only motivation that works for some of us, but it isn't really practical. And why must your "companion" be a lover? Wouldn't that prove that all you really want is the perfect lover, and not a partner for your revolution? Sorry to be so blunt but I can't imagine any suicidal person believing themselves essential to humanity; the belief in great capacity is completely reasonable, however the motivation seems likely to lack.
  7. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    because 'suicidal' carries some very different meanings. its all about the spark. all about the spark.
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