Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Looking For A Reason, Nov 8, 2013.

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  1. I have struggled with several different vices in my life. I have been a recovering addict from cigarettes, pills, and hallucinogens. I was hooked on chewing tobacco in high school and started smoking cigarettes then as well. I think it was due to my friends who smoked and I just kind of got peer pressured into it but the addiction was a lot more difficult to kick then I would ever have imagined. A year out of high school and I started abusing prescription medications. I would pop any pill I could find just to feel numb. With the hallucinogens I was using every so often, the time I was arrested, I went down to these concerts in Denver (Warped Tour) and on the way back I was pulled over arrested and eventually charged with possession. I am telling anyone using it is not at all worth all the trouble that ensues. It's been 2 months without drinking, cigarettes, or hallucinogens and I am proud of that however I still abuse medications, I am currently off oxycodone and percocet but I'm abusing my sleeping medication to get a sort of hallucinogenic high and I hate it but I feel I need some sort of escape. I rationalize it as not being a problem because every month I will run out and have to wait until my next prescription is filled so if I run out early I won't have access to them until the next month. I don't really know how to make sense of that last sentence but it makes sense to me for whatever reason. Everyone thinks I'm sober and I feel I need to keep the illusion that I am going as an inspiration to my little brother who has his own troubles. I feel like such a hypocrite. I don't feel shame in my own addictions but I would never want that for my younger brother who looks up to me. I don't view drugs as bad when I do them but when others do I do view them as bad. It's not that I'm judgmental it's that I think I subconsciously know the negatives to using and wouldn't want that for anyone else but at the same time I love the feeling it gives me personally. I feel like I'm rambling so I'll end it here. Thanks for reading and any possible input you can give.
  2. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Yeah vices are hard to kick. My first problems began in grade 9 when I was 14 I think I would have been. Looking back im not surprised at the choices I made because already in grade 8 I knew I had social anxiety and felt inadequate but it was funny because I was so against drugs before high school started. I wasnt against alcohol at that time but I didnt realize it was a drug at that time. I do not think things like weed or stuff like that are bad but I know for me I cannot use them responsibly if people can use drugs responsibly i think thats okay but many can not so thats wht they get the bad stigma.

    Anyways back to my story, so I was in grade 9 already had anxiety issues and maybe slight depression but it wasnt bad at all, I also started getting acne once highschool started so that made my anxiety and self confidence worse. Thats when I began binge drinking hard alcohol and beer every weekend with my friends because when I was drunk I was outgoing and could talk to people more. I felt and still do feel like my friends like me more when im drunk but i dont really drink often anymore thankfully and I do not feel the need to get drunk every weekend anymore which is good i can use it somewhat responsibly.

    The drinking every weekend thing went on for a year or 2 and then I discovered weed. People who can use this responsibly i have no problem with but I have realized that is not me. Weed made me even more introverted, i faded away from the party drinking scene to get high often by myself and sometimes with stoner friends. The thing about weed is it makes you over think stuff, and i was already an overthinker so it made me isolate myself more. I am now 3 weeks off weed. Also earlier this year i got some prescriptions of codeine for my knees but really more than using them to take the pain away i took them to get high. My tolerance grew quickly and one time within 24 hours i used a whole presciption and admitted myself into the hospital hoping i wasnt going to have liver failure and die a slow painful death. Luckily i never grew a real physical addiction to these pills because i havent taken them since that incident. Oh yeah and cigs well that all started with me mixing tobacco with weed to save money on weed. At first i never smoked cigarettes themselves but would break them up and mix them with weed then when i was trying to quit weed many times i realized i was fighting 2 addictions now.

    I guess i have nothing much to offer in advice but it feels good just to type this out. I think substance abuse comes from the want to escape our reality and also from a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. I guess saying that the way to get rid of substance abuse is to try and change our reality for the better and we need to replace the addiction with a healthy habit like exercising or reading or something. I do not think it is possible long term to quit substance abuse without making other changes to cope because that is why we are here in the first place. Wow after typeing this i am thinking about smoking a cig and some weed but thats not what i really want just my mind tricking me.
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Ah, vices. Story of my life. Unfortunately addictions are one of my primary ways of coping. It's not just mind altering substances, either. I can get addicted to anything. The obsessive repetitive behaviors, to me it's a great distraction from my thoughts and feelings.

    Started smoking cigarettes at 15, quit when I was 30... started again recently. Started drinking heavily at 16, essentially quit at 17, started again shortly after I quit smoking. Smoked pot on and off from 16 to 23. Been a bit of a caffeine junky on and off, and I've always had a bit of an unhealthy obsession with sexual feelings... could easily see myself getting addicted to opiates or painkillers, which is why I avoid them. Virtually anything that can be used as a vice or coping mechanism, I have a high likelihood of getting addicted to it. I've tried to replace unhealthy obsessions with healthy ones, but unfortunately that doesn't always work. Take something like exercise - it's great, it's healthy, but you can't exercise 16+ hours a day... in fact, if you do, it can be just as dangerous and unhealthy as any of the negative vices. That's the problem, is I need things that I can be doing constantly.

    I can definitely relate to marijuana making me more introverted, but I didn't always see that as a bad thing, because I'm not exactly a social butterfly naturally anyway. Alcohol may make me more of an extrovert, but not necessarily in a good way, sometimes I think it's better if I don't allow myself to be too extroverted. Yes I do also have a natural tendency to overthink things, but that seems to be the case regardless of whether I'm smoking pot, drinking, or completely sober. My problem is that my brain has no "off" switch, which is why I require constant stimulation of some kind to preoccupy myself and to avoid thinking too much. I guess for me, the healthiest activities are ones that require me to think and focus on something creative, or work-related, problem solving, that sort of thing, something constructive that can captivate my whole attention span for long enough that I'm not thinking about anything else. Something I can "get lost in", so to speak.
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