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Vicious Circle

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by OmegaSoul, Jul 24, 2014.

  1. OmegaSoul

    OmegaSoul Member

    Before I start, I have a tendency to write with sarcasm and poking fun at myself, it's a defence mechanism and a facade I hide behind to feel comfortable. I know that if I poke fun at myself then it takes away the viciousness of other people doing it behind my back.

    Firstly, (yea it's one of those posts), I hate myself on a genetic level. I'm short, overweight, and I started losing my hair at 17. I look at myself in the mirror and I loathe what stares back at me. I hate myself. I lack confidence and I struggle with loneliness, I mean realistically people wouldn't want to be seen with me. Despite how people may view it, you are judged on appearance and people want to be surrounded by other beautiful people. I know my weight issues are my cross to bear and something I work towards daily.

    Secondly, people dismiss me before they get to know me. It makes me sceptical of other people. I'm generally shy by nature. Which is ironic, because I'm a teacher and if you watched one of my classes you would hardly recognise the same person writing this right now. I find that the students I work with actually make an effort to get to know me because they are obliged to spend 7 hours a week with me, which allows me to break down the walls of my insecurity and be myself. It's actually sad but sometimes going to work is literally the only thing keeping me alive. (I actually started welling up when I put that down in writing, it scares me). I go beyond the extra mile for my students and last year I had 70 students sitting in a class built for 30 thanking me for believing in them and helping them in my own time and without pay, when others would turn them away. I would give everything for someone to reciprocate.

    It's currently the summer holidays and I look around myself and realise how lonely my life is. I'm an afterthought or a last resort to any number of friends. I don't know what to do any more. My life seems to have come down to thriving off the success of the people I teach. Granted its a noble goal, but this isn't living, it's just existing. For many years I've always wondered to myself would it matter if I was actually gone. At times I actually feel so alone I wonder if this is all even real. If I'm actually the only person here and this is all some sort of twisted dream? That thought creeps me out to the point that it stops me sleeping.

    Someone please help me
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    From what I have read your students are very lucky to have you. School was the worst time in my life, bullied so badly to the point I refused to leave my house completely. The damage was done, self esteem and confidence perished! A few years later I worked hard in therapy to get better and I have got much better compared to how I was.

    Regarding the loneliness, is it a choice that you don't want to socialize (anxiety etc.) or literally that you actually aren't close to anyone? Being overweight really can destroy confidence but you can lose it, (meds made me gain a good deal of weight in a short span), I've lost 2 stone in about 2 months. I'm getting there and you can too. Perhaps you're comfort eating?

    And, I really am sorry you're feeling so low. Just think of us as people who do or have felt similar and not just strangers on the internet! :hug:
  3. OmegaSoul

    OmegaSoul Member

    My students have to told me how much they appreciate what I've done for them, I throw myself into my work because I have nothing else. With respect to socialising it's easy for me to socialise with people I know when I see them, but that's very rare these days. I don't know how to meet new people and when I do I feel like I'm blocked by my own inate flaws. I feel like I have to push to get to know people rather than anyone trying to get to know me.

    I used to comfort eat during my time at university. I put on a lot of weight then without caring or realising what I was doing to myself. It was only when I took a trip to Peru that I really changed my outlook on my body. I rejoined a rugby team and have currently dropped two stone, but want to lose the same again. The people who hang out on my team respond in the same way as everyone else though. I'm that quiet guy who just gets on with his job. I'm happy in the fact that that's my personality and my mentality but despite any effort I make that's all I am. I'm left as just that and nothing more. Still friendless but present nonetheless.

    It's so frustrating!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Nothing wrong with working hard and being productive for society I guess but when you have come to realize that you don't have anything else that pleases you, I can understand how that would be frustrating. Your students must really admire and look up to you as a role model!

    There is a 'meet up' section on this forum if you want to get to know and meet people from here who are also suffering loneliness. Lots of UK members too.
    Well done on losing 2 stone, that's a great achievement, if you can do it once you can do it again. :)
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, life can be a vicious circle. Get Up, Work , Got to Bed. Don't think you are alone in the world. Just keep motivated and keep posting here for support. Everyone who is suffering can understand each other if others cannot. The loneliness can make you suffer but please try not to overthink. The rugby will help you gain confidence and fingers crossed you will meet someone who deserves you. Please keep posting through the next couple of weeks for support. Remember we are hear to listen and support. Take care and thank you for the friendship request.