Vicious fucking circle..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutnotfound, Aug 5, 2012.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Not quite sure how to start this. Obviously at the moment I'm under intensive Home Treatment support, which I don't want, but if I refuse I get admitted to hospital again which I WILL NOT let happen. I just want to stop all this. I have the method right here, but with HT coming over constantly it makes it more difficult. The method I have chosen is probably the best one and I've researched it a lot, but although it's 99% foolproof, things can go wrong and if they do.. well let's just say it won't be great. So I can't risk being found and 'saved' (why do people feel the need to become 'heroes' in this situation, especially when I have specifically stated that I don't want ANYONE around me.. ugh) when if I get found too soon it will be catastrophic.

    So I've been sat here thinking. Wondering what the fuck is going on. Why I'm back to this level of desperation again. And looking back over the years I've realized it's a cycle. For a few weeks my life will be.. hmm.. what? Okay is too positive an overview. Semi tolerable? That's the closest I'll get to a description I guess. Anywho, so it'll be like that for a few weeks, and then without warning I'll be catapulted into this crushing depression where nothing else in the world makes sense to me but to die. That's how this has been for years, probably for as long as I can remember. When I'm.. slightly better than I am now.. the suicidal thoughts will still be there, but it won't be ALL that's on my mind. But I keep crashing back to this place. And it really sucks.

    Is this how it's always going to be? I have no reason to doubt that, seeming as that's all my experience has been. I'm always going to be a fucking nutcase, ridiculously unstable, defective. Abnormal. And I don't want that. Why won't people listen to me and take me seriously when I say that dying is the best option? Instead of putting all this pointless 'support' in place and trying to explain to me why living is the way forward.. just fucking understand! Please! Because I really can't deal anymore. I don't want to have to be forced to live, to feel these emotions, to experience the dissociation and fear and paranoia and nightmares. I want to be free to put a stop to all this.

    I think I'm rambling now. My main point I guess was that this is a vicious circle. One I can't stop. And that scares the absolute shit out of me.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am truly sorry this is happening to you...when you discuss your mental state with a professional, has s/he been told of this? One of the most difficult parts of getting adequate care is an adequate diagnosis...also, as you find that you have spirialed downward, is there a support circle, a safety net you can set up for yourself? Please put me on that list if I can be there for you...I have and do continue to care about you
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    :hug: I'm sorry, lostbutnotfound.

    I don't have words right now but yes it can be a vicious circle. But I think we do have the power to change that too. So that the lows won' tbe quite so low and scary.

    Thinking of you missus :arms:
     
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thanks J and Mo,

    J - It's only been the last couple of days that it's dawned on me that my life is one big suicidal merry-go-round, but I made a point of telling HT yesterday that I'd figured that much out. It's difficult to try and get ahold of because along with the BPD is the PTSD and other less complex things. Sometimes when I get worse in the cycle, something has happened to trigger me (ie - perceived abandonment, which stems from the BPD), but sometimes I don't even know what triggers me.. it can be a smell, a word, a taste.. and I don't know what those triggers are, but it leads to the dissociation etc, which is part of the PTSD. It's really complicated, and it feels like too much. As for a support network.. it's pretty much a no go area. Almost everyone has given up on me by this point because I'm too unstable and all over the place, and those who haven't I don't want to put pressure on. Obviously I don't have any family, and I'm agoraphobic which means I don't have any friends.. kinda narrows it down lol. But yeah.. I dunno. I'm just completely at my wits end. Thank you so much for your response though. hugs

    Mo - thank you. I hope you're okay. hugs
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Print this whole thread out and give to careworkers, maybe they'll get it :unsure:
    This is actually a positive move on your part, it takes insight to see patterns in our behaviour and you've got there.
    Insight it what you need for successful therapy, so think on, all is not as bleak as it looks.
    Not saying it won't be a hard road, but its a road worth travelling. :hug:
     
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