Vicious thought cycle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lizette, Aug 20, 2012.

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  1. Lizette

    Lizette Member

    I have been thinking about suicide for many years now. It all started when I was in second grade. I was being bullied and I could see no way out of the situation that I was in. One day, I decided, "Why live through pain when I can be free of it?" I grabbed a knife and I was about to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. My hand was shaking the whole time. At that moment, I knew that I couldn't do it. A few years later in 6th grade, suicidal thoughts slipped into my mind again. I threatened to stab myself with a stick and I tried <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. In 8th grade, I tried to kill myself by holding my breath multiple times. Each time that I have tried to commit suicide, I have always failed. For a while, I tried taking out my anger in other ways like punching pillows, hitting myself, and even cutting my arms with a razor blade. However, those things did not help the feeling of hate and pain I was feeling. I am not cutting myself anymore, but images often flash through my head of me grabbing my heart and stopping it. I have also pictured myself jumping off a building and dying. I know that this is not normal and I know that there has to be a better way to live life then to figure out ways to die. I also realize that there are people out there who care about me and that I should not try to kill myself. However, each time I try not to think suicidal thoughts, they keep returning. I am fed up with thinking this way and with hurting myself in this way! I just want the thoughts and the images to go away! Is there any way that these thoughts can vanish from my life for good? I have tried emailing a suicidal e-help, but all they do is ask me questions. I have tried answering their questions, but they never give me any advice. I am too scared to talk to any of my family members and/or friends about this. I am afraid that they will think that I am crazy. I am also worried that they will be scared of loosing me and upset that I would think, much less attempt, these things! How can I break this cycle of thinking before the visions in my head come true? Please help me!
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Are you of legal age? if So it wouldnt be a bad idea to check yourself into a Therapist (who Can and will give advice and is confidential) and talk to your general practitioner. Being suicidal is scary and its a HUGE step that you are reaching out for help.... I hope you can find the help you need in SF, and that you can find people you can talk to.... somethings that is one of the best things to find.... If you ever need someone to talk to, or an open ear, im always happy to listen, and nost just liten but talk. I cant promise the best advice, but ill always do whatever i can to help.... My pm box is always open :hug: i hope you can soon find happiness and a direction to start walking that will help you feel better
  3. Lizette

    Lizette Member

    Unfortunately, I am under the age of 18 so I can't find a therapist without telling my family about this. I know that I couldn't bear the look on their faces if I told them what I have been feeling. (They would also be worried and I don't want them to feel that way since I care about them!) It does help a lot though to be able to talk about this and to know that there is someone out there who is willing to listen calmly. It helps me stay calm when others talk calmly to me. I am thankful for the love and support that you have given me by listening to me! Thanks for being there.
  4. Throwmeawayout

    Throwmeawayout Active Member


    If talking to others helps, try out the chat on this site? I have found this community to be very accepting and helpful. Also, nothing involving your parents will ever be quite so embarrassing, worrisome, or difficult as it seems beforehand.
  5. Lizette

    Lizette Member

    Thank you. I will try using the chat on this site.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Lizette, welcome to SF honey :)

    I sure am no stranger to the random thinking you describe, and how I just wished it would all go away....... however, (and I know this might sound like a crazy idea looming on the horizon, to begin with...) I have come around to the idea of learning how not to let them beat me.

    Calling them "bluff" - "phantoms" etc. They try to persist, as real, of course. But that does not mean that every thought that anyone has, is real, or the truth - and we can progress into identifying those we don't want, those that are not welcome etc..... and by saying to ourselves: "This is just my mind doing its job of presenting me with options/possibilities....... it is up to me to decide what to do with them"

    Hoping this might be of help,
  7. Lizette

    Lizette Member

    That is good advice to think of it as options instead of the truth. Thank you for your help!
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