that's exactly what i thought to myself when i watched the news report. i thought to myself, how he was described, how his eyes stared out at the world, the loner who put a question mark for his name, i said to myself, that's me. that's exactly what people would say about me, if i were ever to start shooting people at my school. i can see it now, the distant loner who hates people and life. the one who walks the halls alone and seeks refuge from it all in empty classrooms. yes, i'm more troubled than most know. a ticking time bomb ready and waiting to explode. but me being like the shooter who truly caused heartache in a lot of lives, is the least of my concerns. actually i'm feeling a little, umm what can i say. ok, i'm feeling sorry for myself, yes that's it, again here i go with the pity and the buckets of ice cream to drown my sorrows in but yeah, i'm feeling so down on myself and here's the reason why. see, i feel guilty about things that i should've done but didn't. like i should've been nicer to the boy that walked up to me, i guess i was feeling bad about myself until i felt it easier to be defensive. to act as though i didn't give a damn, but i did. he was cute, smart, handsome had funny colored eyes but besides that he was near perfect. he had golden hair, this golden hue about him, a popular boy...hmm talk about your missed chances. well, i think now if only i had been born different, looked different. if only... see here's how i would have looked, ok i would want to have long curly hair, perferably sandy colored, dark eyes or maybe grean, just plain green not hazel. umm, perfect complexion, where i had no blemishes, no acne and no scarring. about the eyes, i want them different, my eyes are strangely shaped so i just want normal eyes, a little bigger than my own. umm i want to be a size 6 or 12, i mean guys like curves but i don't want to be too curvy, you know me is who i'm talking about no one else! this is what i want, for myself....to make me more presentable so i can feel better, because i think beautiful people never feel suicidal, i mean, i just feel that society treats them better, embraces them. if i had looked beautiful to that darling boy, i could have been more confident, more alive, happy. so this is for me, not for anyone else! so where was i, umm weight, yes a nice size, not too thin but not too heavy, i want to look, umm you know appealing, more femimine. not so muscular and husky like i already am. let's see, what else would i change, umm, my teeth. i never think about them but my teeth are rotten and permanently yellow so, nice white straight teeth all perfect in a row would be nice. no spaces just all together. umm a more normal looking face and a small forehead, not giant size like mine you can't see my eyes cuz my forehead hangs over them. i have a more uhh manly type of face so more of a woman's face, you know like, uhh who can i think of, umm i like nina debrov's face of the vampire diaries and i like catherine zeta jones's face, she always looks so lovely. umm, i really like jennifer connelly's look, it's soo youthful and girly, she has a nice face, nice bone structure, which is good. umm i can't think of anyone else, but yeah, those are nice faces, boys like girls that are easy to look at. you know soft on the eyes. no guy wants to look at a girl and see his dad or brother.....see, if only i could change that, maybe wear more dresses and show more, i can't show anything because...well i just can't. i mean i'll explain at a later time. how much would it cost me for all this change? hmm i need to call around, i mean plastic surgeons are expensive, they're not cheap by any means! it's not like you could pay 500 for a total change from head to toe. but if i could, i would. that would make me feel so much better, i know it would, then i wouldn't have to hide myself or hide my face....i could let the whole world in then. i would want everyone to see me.....everyone, i would never stop smiling. but right now, as long as i have lived, i'm finding it more and more difficult to smile, i don't anymore.....no i can't remember when i did.