virginia tech shooter....he is just like me....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by uglymedusa, Sep 16, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. uglymedusa

    uglymedusa New Member

    that's exactly what i thought to myself when i watched the news report. i thought to myself, how he was described, how his eyes stared out at the world, the loner who put a question mark for his name, i said to myself, that's me. that's exactly what people would say about me, if i were ever to start shooting people at my school. i can see it now, the distant loner who hates people and life. the one who walks the halls alone and seeks refuge from it all in empty classrooms. yes, i'm more troubled than most know. a ticking time bomb ready and waiting to explode. but me being like the shooter who truly caused heartache in a lot of lives, is the least of my concerns.

    actually i'm feeling a little, umm what can i say. ok, i'm feeling sorry for myself, yes that's it, again here i go with the pity and the buckets of ice cream to drown my sorrows in but yeah, i'm feeling so down on myself and here's the reason why. see, i feel guilty about things that i should've done but didn't. like i should've been nicer to the boy that walked up to me, i guess i was feeling bad about myself until i felt it easier to be defensive. to act as though i didn't give a damn, but i did. he was cute, smart, handsome had funny colored eyes but besides that he was near perfect. he had golden hair, this golden hue about him, a popular boy...hmm talk about your missed chances. well, i think now if only i had been born different, looked different. if only...

    see here's how i would have looked, ok i would want to have long curly hair, perferably sandy colored, dark eyes or maybe grean, just plain green not hazel. umm, perfect complexion, where i had no blemishes, no acne and no scarring. about the eyes, i want them different, my eyes are strangely shaped so i just want normal eyes, a little bigger than my own. umm i want to be a size 6 or 12, i mean guys like curves but i don't want to be too curvy, you know me is who i'm talking about no one else! this is what i want, for make me more presentable so i can feel better, because i think beautiful people never feel suicidal, i mean, i just feel that society treats them better, embraces them. if i had looked beautiful to that darling boy, i could have been more confident, more alive, happy. so this is for me, not for anyone else! so where was i, umm weight, yes a nice size, not too thin but not too heavy, i want to look, umm you know appealing, more femimine. not so muscular and husky like i already am.

    let's see, what else would i change, umm, my teeth. i never think about them but my teeth are rotten and permanently yellow so, nice white straight teeth all perfect in a row would be nice. no spaces just all together. umm a more normal looking face and a small forehead, not giant size like mine you can't see my eyes cuz my forehead hangs over them. i have a more uhh manly type of face so more of a woman's face, you know like, uhh who can i think of, umm i like nina debrov's face of the vampire diaries and i like catherine zeta jones's face, she always looks so lovely. umm, i really like jennifer connelly's look, it's soo youthful and girly, she has a nice face, nice bone structure, which is good. umm i can't think of anyone else, but yeah, those are nice faces, boys like girls that are easy to look at. you know soft on the eyes. no guy wants to look at a girl and see his dad or brother.....see, if only i could change that, maybe wear more dresses and show more, i can't show anything because...well i just can't. i mean i'll explain at a later time.

    how much would it cost me for all this change? hmm i need to call around, i mean plastic surgeons are expensive, they're not cheap by any means! it's not like you could pay 500 for a total change from head to toe. but if i could, i would. that would make me feel so much better, i know it would, then i wouldn't have to hide myself or hide my face....i could let the whole world in then. i would want everyone to see me.....everyone, i would never stop smiling. but right now, as long as i have lived, i'm finding it more and more difficult to smile, i don't i can't remember when i did.
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    changing your looks will not change how you feel. i wish more people would look on the inside, then the out. all guys want is a girl who dresses and acts like a *****. or atleast all the guys who have and go to my school.

    i'm assuming you can't wear dresses because you may self harm. if you do then i can relate and so can many people on the forum. i've recently accepted that i do and i will continue. it's part of who i am. not a great person either.

    i've been called "beautiful" and "pretty" but i don't believe it. you said these types of people aren't suicidal. but if people say that i am then that is not true. i feel suicidal almost 24/7-365. it's not going to change either.

    if you ever need to talk i'm here for you. maybe now you wont feel as alone. you can always leave me a message.
  3. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    I don't know if you are or aren't good looking, but if you * were * exceptionally beautiful, as you seem to want, you would encounter many other problems that would upset you. People will treat you better, often just because of your looks. You won't be able to have guy friends after several of them reveal themselves to be interested in your company for other reasons. If you're depressed, these sorts of things become huge issues. It doesn't matter how pretty you are.

    Besides, it sounds like you have some male attention as it is. Being really pretty might make your life a bit easier, but it won't cure everything.

    I don't know you, but I doubt you're the type to hurt others. You just feel detached, lonely, and angry at yourself and others for your situation. You're here, which means you possess the insight to realize you need help, and that seperates you from a lot of these people who take others down with them. Maybe you have a few characteristics in common with the VTech guy - you sound really detached and emotionally flattened - but this is common of many depressed people. I think if you can talk to a few of us while getting help from a professional, you'll realize how silly your comparison really is.

    You express yourself quite well, and you're posting on a messageboard filled with strangers, so I think you're someone who can communicate with others! I don't know how many or how few connections you have right now (it sounds like not many), but I think you're capable of making a lot more!

    Why don't you let us know what else makes you feel so terrible besides how you perceive your attractiveness?
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I think you're wrong about the part where beauty doesn't have a huge impact. It does extremely. If you were beauitufl from the start on the outside, you would get the praise and attention from that beauty. You wouldn't be depressed? You would be happy to be beautiful. Your personality would bloom from all the praise you get and you wouldn't be insecure or have anxiety. You don't even know, but I cant say beauty is relied on 100% because other factors like he way you are brought up come in.
  5. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    I disagree with you, Angelo.

    There are a lot of great things about medusa, I'm sure. Yet she's not happy. Why isn't she happy to be smart, caring, funny, good at doing 360 dunks, etc? You can find beautiful people who are depressed. They'll think they're worthless too. "People only like me for my looks. I'm stupid, I'm worthless, no one loves me for who I am, etc. I wish I was smarter and better at talking to people, etc."

    Being attractive gives you a leg up, but it doesn't vaccinate you against depression, and I think it's pretty superficial to believe that it does. Life does't get 1000 times easier just because you're attractive.
  6. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    The VT shooter had a lot more problems than thinking he was ugly and that was why he had no friends. Have you read his biography?

    I'm mostly concerned because you seem to be picking on EVERY single thing that you think is wrong with appearance. This is unhealthy. Stop. Why are you letting "they" decide what's beautiful and what isn't? You may not be as astoundingly beautiful as 1% of the whole female population, but you probably look fine. Lead a healthy lifestyle and be confident in yourself--that's the key to being attractive. Remember: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  7. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    You are nothing like the VTS and killing other people and taking yourself out is crossing the line in my book. I know it's easy to look at other people and think they have it all going on while you're suffering, and sometimes their indifference towards you can make you feel all the more worse. But often that is not the case. Often, that's just how we're perceiving them. They're most likely dealing with their own stuff and you come rushing in there to make it all worse. Just like cancer, diabetes and lupus, we have a problem. It is ours and we have to deal with it. When you work at a hospital around children who have an illness where they suffer daily then face the fact that they will never see adulthood and they're happy. They don't curse other humans because of what they were born with. Volunteering at the hospital helped me get away from myself and think of others. I've had to watch two friends die of cancer, who loved their lives and wanted nothing more than to live. Made my problems seem a little more bearable.

    I was always called pretty and cute and all it won me was the other girls picking on me in school. Threatening me, harassing me. I'm still traumatised over some incidents which happened all the way back in grade school that was just cruel. Not just because I was supposedly beautiful but because I liked school, I was a misfit, a dork. I've been a loner and lonely most of my life despite how I look. People still call me beautiful, but there's no one beating down my door to be my friend. Then you have guys, but once you get them, they have their own issues. I've known beautiful women who have suffered abuse both mental and physical at the hands of guys who paid attention to them. Then I've known pretty beautiful women who couldn't find a decent guy to go out with.

    And even if you were beautiful, there will always be something you don't like about your body. There's no body with 100% perfect features unless they went and paid thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery, and even then, they'll swear there's still something wrong.

    You're making the classic mistake of the grass is greener theory. If only you had the perfect body, if only you were rich, had this or that. But you still will have to deal with you (who you are inside) and all your shortcomings and issues. I watched a show recently about women who had bypass and they were skinny and had the body they finally dreamed of having. But some of them couldn't get past still seeing themselves as morbidly obese. So looks don't bring a happily ever after like some people believe.

    How about trying to be the person YOU want to be and not what you think GUYS want you to be. How about finding some activities which would enrich your life. This will help put you in touch with YOU and this will help you learn to like yourself. Find out what's really behind you and what's bothering you.

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2009
  8. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I see news alot of times of young attractive people being murdered or dying in accidents. I still envy them. It only seems tragic when your beautiful. Having so much more to live for. Having so many friends mourn you. There wouldnt be any candlelight vigils for me. I would rather die at 25 beautiful. Than to live to 80 as a ugly nobody.
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Wow that is some piece of writing Multiple Man. You've spelt it out so clearly -

    And everything you say about looks v other aspects is spot on. Whether it's right or wrong, like it or not, ought be or not - how one looks matters, whether to yourself or to other people.

    And in a way it is glib to say don't worry about you look concentrate on other things - it's a bit like getting the consolation prize. 'Sorry you aren't beautiful so you don't get the goodies but hey you're probably a really nice person anyway' type of thing. And I'm really moved Multiple Man by how you describe your situation - that's unbearable and it's really really sad that you seem to have to just accept it.

    And here's the pep talk. I know, I just know (ie somewhere inside) that once you get to really like yourself, feel ok about being in your skin so to speak - how you look doesn't matter so much. I guess I'm trying to say that instead of focusing on things to 'improve' or make yourself acceptable in ways other than to do with looks, maybe focus on getting to like yourself just for being you. Does that make sense?

    And Uglymedusa - maybe your choice of name isn't accidental - in the myth Medusa was beautiful, but made to appear ugly and poisonous - and she was powerful, magical. Wouldn't it be great to feel powerful no matter how one looked? (So long as no dumb Greek hero comes along and wants to cut your head off!)
  10. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    Sorry, Multiple_man, but I see a lot of super ugly guys with girls, some of those girls being very hot. All of you using your appearance as an excuse are simply wrong. You're depressed. At least recognize that it's your depression causing these problems, not how you look. You might not be in complete control of your appearance (however, you *can* keep in shape, lift weights, dress well, etc. -- it makes a huge difference), but you do have some control over your personality. You might be a very nice person (a sincerely nice person, not just a pushover who volunteers to listen to girls whenever they're having problems with their BFs), but depression isn't attractive. Why would these girls want to be in a serious relationship with someone who's unstable? People are attracted to confidence, humour, conversational skills, etc. Looks make life easier, sure, but they aren't a panacea.

    It frustrates me how superficial some of you are. You are irritated that the world is superficial. Well, the world is superficial. But so are you. You think being attractive will solve everything, and it completely won't. You blame so many of your problems on your looks when your problems are indepedent of your looks to a large extent. In many ways, you're more superficial and flawed than the rest of the world. Can't you see that? It's utterly frustrating.

    I'm sorry I'm being so judgement. I'm not ugly. I'm probably somewhat good looking. Sometimes I feel that my looks are what make me depressed -- either because I think I'm too ugly or because people are interested in me just because I look a certain way. But I recognize that it's my depression, not my appearance, causing this. grrrrrr

    Seriously, Multiple_Man, you don't take care of yourself. You don't believe in yourself. You think girls should be attracted to you even though you don't care about your appearance, even though you don't have any confidence? Look, you're simply wrong. Looks play a big part in who we are, sure, but they aren't the only factor, and I really hope you get some help so you can understand my perspective at some point.

    I'm incredibly depressed and even I can logically recognize what nonsense this is. Get better!
  11. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    this is completely right (in my opinion). I'm sorry if my last post was harsh, but I care about people, and you guys are simply wrong in how you think about these things.
  12. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Your obviously a better man than me. You misinterpreted alot but im sorry if I disagree or if I offended you. I can only base my opinions solely on my own life experiences. I wish we could switch sides. Id love to be as strong as you.
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    There is no right or wrong.
  14. 12years

    12years Well-Known Member

    The problem with this "I'm ugly/attractive" business is beauty--in most cases anyway--is indeed in the eye of the beholder. Only a small percentage of people is inarguably beautiful/handsome, and only a small percentage is inarguably ugly. Most of us are average, and whether or not we're "attractive"--a word I use to refer to your overall appearance as opposed to just your face--is a matter of taste and depends on a lot other factors, including your personality and your own perception of yourself. I think you can have a crooked nose or a really bad haircut, but if you can show yourself as a confident or a caring individual, there's no stopping you from being attractive.

    What I do find interesting is how some people are always whining about being ugly... while constantly rejecting others who they also consider ugly and are therefore unworthy of their time. Guess that shows the kind of values some people have. :dry:
  15. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    well why would you kill innocent people, there are plenty of people in this world who probably deserve to die, but any asshole who goes around and kills innocent people is a piece of crap
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.