The four-hundred and seventy-sixth page written trying to rid you and everything I learned from you from my bones trying to rid myself of my bonds. The three-hundred sixtieth pill taken trying to rid myself of what the first one did to my mind round peach colored candy that’ll make it so I can’t think, care or move. It does its job though I’m no more capable of thinking suicidal thoughts than a plank of wood. But then, I can’t do my class work either and I’m just as likely to drive my car off a cliff difference is this time I won’t have meant to do it. A definite improvement. The twenty-first year since my first breath was taken nearly one since I first tried to pause that pattern seven months since that breath last caught in my chest at the sight of your back retreating. How I hate this as I sit here type, type, typing away. I wish I could call you and say I’m sorry for being a freak for being so young and so weak and so not myself. I wish I could call someone maybe you, maybe anyone who might understand just to say how scared I am and how much I grieve for what I might have to lose just to hold onto what I have left. This is hard coming to terms with the fact that a little pink pill fucked my life up so bad and so unnecessarily and has left me with such guilt and distrust towards myself towards the friend that abandoned me and the trigger that exploded my world. This is so hard trying to convince my self to open this bottle and swallow this peach emotional flatliner to say goodbye to that beautiful girl with her broken heart to say goodbye to that moment I’m still holding onto smoking a cigarette on a cement ledge and being told I was a visionary. I’m just a visionary from a bottle. But no worries this new bottle’ll take that vision away, keep me safe and sound. I don’t know if I want that. I miss feeling like I might just be able not to change the world but to help a life or change a moment. Is it really better to give that up to exchange it for numbness and a lack of energy so deep that I fall asleep with the light on the TV flickering in the middle of a thought?