Visions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by benson24, May 12, 2008.

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  1. benson24

    benson24 New Member

    Hi i am new here and need some help , I am a single mother of three children ,two daughters and one son who are all home educated ,my son has severe autism and severe learning difficulties. I do my best with them but feel that i cannot do it anymore. I love them dearly but my son keeps attacking me and beating me up, he can't help it as he cannot speak , i have to change him and feed him and bath him and he just never sleeps. I am so so tired and dont want to be used as punch bag anymore. My daughters are terrified. I have been to the doctors and he will not give my son anything long term as he is only eleven years old. I have asked for help everywhere but no one helps i have asked for family to take him off my hands for a while but they all say no as they admit that would not cope. I have no friends because i cannot get out much. I keep having visions that i kill my son and that i kill myself and we go to heaven and he is not disabled anymore and that we are happy and i am free. I have these visions all the time now and it makes me feel so happy. I know my son will never be able to get married or have kids or do much for himself when he is a man and i will be stuck like this for the rest of my life and i cannot cope with that. I cannot put my son into a home as i do not want any stranger looking after him he needs to be with me his mother. I love my kids so much it is tearing me apart but i see this as being the only way out of the suffering and i know my daughters will be well looked after and they have a good future ahead of them. Please dont think i am being evil or spiteful but i want to end this all and be at peace i am in tears writing this but nothing is going to get any better.
     
  2. What a HORRIBLE situation!!

    Has he actually been diagnosed with anything? (and if so, how long ago...?)
    Not being able to communicate can be a frustration that few of us could imagine, but other than this, what are his other issues?
     
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Is your son a savant child? He must be suffering tremendously right now, and if he understood what was going on, of course he wouldn't be hitting you. Being autistic, he must have some strengths that haven't been brought out yet. Does he have help from someone who is knowledgeable about treating autism? The earlier he gets treatment, the better. Even though he has severe autism, you never know how much he can improve!
     
  4. benson24

    benson24 New Member

    Hi hun yes he has been diagnosed since he was three years old. He cannot use the toilet so i have to change him, he can walk for a little while then he needs his wheelchair, he cannot understand anything around him and also he has sotos syndrome which makes him huge for his age. He is so frustrated and everytime he attacks me i cannot get him off me as he is so big i have to wait until he has finished , i have told so many people hun but they just turn away. Last month he tried to throw me out of his bedroom window. I just cannot deal with with this anymore, i feel so selfish but i cant feel anything else :sad:
     
  5. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Right now he needs some kind of "intervention." You obviously can't handle him yourself right now, and that's nothing against either of you, it's just the way it is. As for Sotos Syndrome, you know he will probably be normal in size when he gets to be an adult, and also his speech and cognition will improve. He needs help right now, and you need help. These visions you are having are a clear sign that you must find help for your son, no matter how hard it might be, and helping him will, in turn, help you.
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a respite program in your area? Some certified home care agencies provide both respite and habiliation services, as well as counselling support...it may be helpful if you contact the Department of Health in your area to see what additional services are available...all the best, J
     
  7. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    What about your daughters? They would be left without a mother if you killed yourself. Not to mention the emotional scar they will carry for the rest of their lives because of the murder/suicide. If all the above suggestions do not work and you cannot find another way to take care of your son mabye it would be best to let someone else handle his care. It would give you peace of mind and let him grow up in a more controlled environment. I know you are scared and do not want your son to be with someone he doesnt know but it might be the best option.
     
  8. Sadeyes made a wonderful suggestion. I've had to do this in the past (for my parents, as well as myself later on!) I hope you look into it. For goodness sake, you're NOT being selfish in not being able to cope! You've MORE than got your hands full and are beyond your wits end! And if he does (most hopefully) get placed in respite care for a short time (it is NOT cruel - it is rather necessary), it would afford you the chance to breathe, and to investigate other resources in your community. I don't know where you live, so I can't offer any immediate suggestions...Maybe some organization like The United Way might be a start in providing you with avenues, information/resources??
     
  9. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I don't know the meaning of respite care so I apologise if what I say below is pretty much that.

    I know this is a different situation but before my Grampa died, he suffered from bowel and prostate cancer. As such he could not control his bodily functions and he had been getting weaker over many years before this. There was one time that we received a phone call at 6am in the morning from my gran asking for help as he'd gone to the toilet in the night and collapsed and she had found him in the morning and couldn't move him (he was quite big and my gran is short and practically a twig). The whole thing was greatly upsetting to her, she even admitted one time that after he had messed hiself she just went downstairs and cried which is strange for her being such a strong woman.

    I know alot of that was irrelevant but it's just a bit of background. The hospital got on to a hospice not too far away and they'd take care of him for a day a week (although it wasn't long before he was there full time) so my Gran could have a break.

    Is there no way anything like that could be offered for your son (not at a hospice obviously), maybe just for a day a week so you can maybe see a counsellor or someone who can help you.

    Although I can't relate to putting your son in care, I know that if it was me it would be the hardest decision in my life.

    Please take care.
     
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    As has been suggested by others, check into some outside resources. There should be something in place to give you a break occasionally. If the situation does not improve, you may have to consider outside placement for your son. Yes, you love him a great deal and would like him to stay where you know he is loved, but you must also consider your safety and the safety of your daughters. There are places trained to deal with and help educate those with learning disabilities such as your sons. Are you being fair to him if you do not research into it and allow him every opportunity to gain as much improvement as he can? seeking help does not make you evil or weak. it means you are strong enough to accept it when you know it is needed. Please do what you can to stay safe. :hug:
     
  11. jofo3511

    jofo3511 Member

    I feel your pain. I am the mother of a severly physically disabled child who is dependent on me for all her needs. BUT she is not a behavior problem. She's the sweetest young lady. It's just that she can not physically do for herself.

    I completely feel for you . my dd is 19 now. I'm 47 ( luckily in good shape) but don't know how long I'll be able to care for her. Yes sometimes I feel trapped.
     
  12. Nero

    Nero Member

    If you have this thoughts of killing your son then kill yourself just to escape from all these sufferings and hope that your after-life will be better, please completely forget about it.

    You have fallen into such a case of desperation that you have no idea how much sins you will get into yourself if you submit to hopelessness which eventually lead to Wraith.

    Seek comfort from God, and try your best to see light in the darkest times.

    If there's any churches near your house seek guidance from them, look upon God and worship him. He will eventually divert you from your sorrows and send you salvations.

    You must be strong.... strong.... anyone who read this thread will be supporting you even we do not know exactly who you are, and may god bless you, hallelujah.
     
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