Today I found myself visualizing my plan more vividly and in more detail than I have in a while. It's not that this is the strongest my desire has been recently. That isn't true by a long shot. But I sat and really pictured myself carrying out these actions and the aftermath. I didn't intend to, but my mind wandered there. I felt peaceful. Normally when I am feeling really suicidal, I visualize only flashes - only the crucial moments - and take steps towards certain particulars. Today, I felt detached, from both myself and the world. It was less like the planning of a suicidal individual and more like tranquil fantasizing - like the way "well-adjusted" people probably fantasize about relaxing on the beach or being a rock star or whatever. I'm not in danger at the moment or probably in the near future, but this so-called fantasy feels like an eventual certainty to me. It occurred to me later that this is around the 4-year anniversary of when I started to form this particular plan. Right now I'm thinking back to that moment. I was at a Quaker meeting, sitting in silence with tears pouring down my face. Those around me were sitting in quiet meditation, perhaps experiencing the divine. In a way, maybe I was to. It was a profound moment of clarity in which I saw the end of my path. The plan has been adjusted and refined over the years, but the vision remains largely the same. This post was longer than I intended. I started to ramble, but I guess I needed to get some of that out. I haven't shared that experience with anyone before.