Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hawaiianfeeling, Jan 14, 2016.

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  1. Today I found myself visualizing my plan more vividly and in more detail than I have in a while. It's not that this is the strongest my desire has been recently. That isn't true by a long shot. But I sat and really pictured myself carrying out these actions and the aftermath. I didn't intend to, but my mind wandered there. I felt peaceful.

    Normally when I am feeling really suicidal, I visualize only flashes - only the crucial moments - and take steps towards certain particulars. Today, I felt detached, from both myself and the world. It was less like the planning of a suicidal individual and more like tranquil fantasizing - like the way "well-adjusted" people probably fantasize about relaxing on the beach or being a rock star or whatever.

    I'm not in danger at the moment or probably in the near future, but this so-called fantasy feels like an eventual certainty to me.

    It occurred to me later that this is around the 4-year anniversary of when I started to form this particular plan. Right now I'm thinking back to that moment. I was at a Quaker meeting, sitting in silence with tears pouring down my face. Those around me were sitting in quiet meditation, perhaps experiencing the divine. In a way, maybe I was to. It was a profound moment of clarity in which I saw the end of my path. The plan has been adjusted and refined over the years, but the vision remains largely the same.

    This post was longer than I intended. I started to ramble, but I guess I needed to get some of that out. I haven't shared that experience with anyone before.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I have seen you help a lot of people in the chat room when they were in distress (myself included), that speaks volumes about you in general , you are a good person and if anyone tells you otherwise they aren't even worth your time.

    I am really sorry you are having suicidal and distressing thoughts but glad you are able to manage them and be in control of this nightmare. Glad you are not in any danger right now.

    If you thought that something could help, what would that something be?

    When you are fantazing, as quick as you can try to change the subject in your mind. You can and will heal from this. It's just a lengthy process and hard on the heart and mind but with support and TLC you will get there.

    ((big hugs)) to you!
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I suggest going to or calling a crisis center. These thoughts, plans and emotions are not healthy.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I was going to add that you obviously know this. Sometimes it needs to be said though. I find it alarming that you are having more detailed planning and a comforting feeling with these thoughts.
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