I'm needing a place to spill. Sorry if it's long and I bounce from subject to subject. I'm 23 and live in Alabama. My mother and sister have been both epileptics all their lives. Medications don't work and my mother even tried brain surgery and it didn't seem to do anything. My girlfriend of 3 years and fiancee of 1 year broke up with me almost a year ago after telling me that she was having oral sex constantly with her friend behind my back for 2 months. She took me to the public park here to tell me, I guess to keep me under control in the situation. Or maybe to have witnesses if I did. I kept calm the best I could and tried to understand. She's been with him ever since and I've been hurting like she's just told me yesterday. I'm trying to be friends with her still and try to talk about it but she is becoming more and more annoyed and frustrated with me. We never got to talk about it and she usually blows me off. I have no real friends since high school ended, so I guess the internet is the only place I can vent. I told her that I loved her every day almost since we talked 95% of those 4 years. I made her things, we went Geocaching together (sorry if advertising another site is breaking some kind of rule), we spent time together and I honestly tried my hardest to make this one work. She was worth it, I thought. And now I torture myself with her diaries and letters I kept. The photos of us. I guess I'm a masochist. I feel like it's changed me. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to talk to real people. I know I'm sheltering myself, but I don't want to stop. Being alone is fine, but knowing that my life shattered in a split second with no warning with someone I dedicated myself to is killing me. I figure that if it hasn't stopped hurting or atleast eased up by now then it never will. I've thought about suicide on and off since I was 14. I'm 23 now and it's never been this frequent before. I can't wade through it this time. I have tried strangling myself, letting my mother drive and hoping for a seizure (it's happened before), thought about a gun, knife, tons of methods. I cry constantly and have mood swings into rage. Everyone seems to be unhappy and looking for something better all the time. Am I so far down the food chain that I've become unacknowledgeable? Have to go now and babysit my mother and sister. As selfish and douche-baggy as that sounds, I HAVE grown tired of it and dream of a life where I can be like a normal person. Much more spilling for later. Just needed the most recent stuff out of the way now.