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I'm needing a place to spill. Sorry if it's long and I bounce from subject to subject.

I'm 23 and live in Alabama. My mother and sister have been both epileptics all their lives. Medications don't work and my mother even tried brain surgery and it didn't seem to do anything. My girlfriend of 3 years and fiancee of 1 year broke up with me almost a year ago after telling me that she was having oral sex constantly with her friend behind my back for 2 months. She took me to the public park here to tell me, I guess to keep me under control in the situation. Or maybe to have witnesses if I did. I kept calm the best I could and tried to understand. She's been with him ever since and I've been hurting like she's just told me yesterday.

I'm trying to be friends with her still and try to talk about it but she is becoming more and more annoyed and frustrated with me. We never got to talk about it and she usually blows me off. I have no real friends since high school ended, so I guess the internet is the only place I can vent.

I told her that I loved her every day almost since we talked 95% of those 4 years. I made her things, we went Geocaching together (sorry if advertising another site is breaking some kind of rule), we spent time together and I honestly tried my hardest to make this one work. She was worth it, I thought. And now I torture myself with her diaries and letters I kept. The photos of us. I guess I'm a masochist. I feel like it's changed me. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to talk to real people. I know I'm sheltering myself, but I don't want to stop. Being alone is fine, but knowing that my life shattered in a split second with no warning with someone I dedicated myself to is killing me.

I figure that if it hasn't stopped hurting or atleast eased up by now then it never will. I've thought about suicide on and off since I was 14. I'm 23 now and it's never been this frequent before. I can't wade through it this time. I have tried strangling myself, letting my mother drive and hoping for a seizure (it's happened before), thought about a gun, knife, tons of methods. I cry constantly and have mood swings into rage.

Everyone seems to be unhappy and looking for something better all the time. Am I so far down the food chain that I've become unacknowledgeable? Have to go now and babysit my mother and sister. As selfish and douche-baggy as that sounds, I HAVE grown tired of it and dream of a life where I can be like a normal person. Much more spilling for later. Just needed the most recent stuff out of the way now.


Well-Known Member
Ah, don't let that lousy bitch get you down. Your best company is yourself for now, although it may not seem like it. Now's the time to go to the strip clubs. That's what I do sometimes. Women, can't live with 'em, can't throw 'em out of a moving car over a cliff.


Staff Alumni
Hi and welcome...so glad you decided to tell us about this...it makes perfect sense how you feel, since it is clearly you are a caring and giving person...it is so sad she did not appreciate that...her loss! Please keep us posted and know there are so many peoplel here who can relate to what you have said
I feel like I should punish myself at times for letting this happen. I really don't feel like falling in love again, and some of the time my mind just wanders back to her anyways. But I do keep in contact with her to hurt myself more and more. Her lack of interest in anything I'm feeling does the trick every time. I end up bawling my eyes out for about an hour. I figured I could callous myself this way. But it hasn't been working for almost a year now. Really it's not all her fault. At the moment I don't want to continue this vita, but maybe tomorrow I'll spill more about my life. She's just part of my depression, much more than her has been added on to me since my early childhood. So, deep down I do know it wasn't her fault in falling in love with someone else, but yet she could have handled it a lot better. I'm sleep-deprived and feel like I'm losing it, sorry if some of my sentences don't make sense.

My sister is 20. She has had seizures all of her life and it was determined just a few years ago that she inherited it from my mother, even though they have two different types of seizures. She's been a tomboy all of her life and used to love sports. Spent all day outside playing soccer.

Things changed when she was 14. I had a band in high school. We were all friends and music geeks. Used to have on of the guitarists to come over and we would practice lead guitar (even though I was on bass). He knew about my family for a while and eventually started dating my sister. I was of course uneasy about it, but really had no choice except for keeping my mouth shut. Things started fine, he was kind to her and everything. Talked to her a lot and got past her shyness/social phobia, whatever it is you want to call it. Until about 3 months into their relationship. Caitlin shut herself away from us in her room for a few days and we could hear crying at nights. We eventually got it out of her and my mother finally told me what my friend had done one night.

We took him to court but the judge just slapped his wrist and told him he couldn't be around any females under 16 for a couple of years, even though he went to a high school that has an elementary school attached to it. Nothing was really done and I grew more and more furious everyday I went there. I eventually quit and got my GED the next month. My sister soon followed. She's been shut off and slowly got less and less manageable over the years. She won't do anything, just spends her days on her bed most of time. Leaving me to worry about the day she finally sets up a blood clot. She never leaves the house and whenever we finally get her to do something she is very easily winded. I'm expecting her to pass away soon. I still want to kill him for what he did.

Aside from suicidal thoughts, I've kept a lot of homicidal thoughts to myself. I've never told anyone that they've grown past him and I've caught myself just imagining complete strangers in a grocery store. Should I check myself into a mental institution? I really am frightened that I will seriously injure someone if not myself eventually. Sorry if this is way out of line, just something I wanted off my chest for a while now. I believe I'm still sane, just worried.
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