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i don't want to be here at all. everything is in shambles and i don't really understand why. life is okay. i'm with someone who cares about me, i have friends and family that love me, but i can't seem to summon up the energy to live. externally, i am trying really hard to be okay. it never used to be like this. every day wasn't such a struggle. i didn't have to drag myself out of bed. but now, now that i realize how much i depend on alcohol, to forget the pain, i realize i hate this person i've become. i don't want to need to drink the pain away. i want to face the pain. i want to get rid of the pain. and without alcohol, without somehow numbing myself, i don't know how to do that. i don't want to be the girl who goes to parties and gets drunk and makes out with random guys. i don't want to be the girl who gets so drunk she can't get up and leave, even when a boy is hurting her. i don't want to be myself anymore. because somewhere from january to now, i've become somebody else. i've lost my innocence. and even as i see and feel the pain that alcohol has caused me, i still want it. i don't need it, i could live without it, but the fact is that i rely on it to ease my pain. to still the screaming within my soul. i drink to feel alive, although i know it really is just killing me. i look in the mirror, wondering if like a drug addict, i will see some type of sign of my addiction. i look deeply, waiting for the truth to reveal itself. but the truth never comes. i bury the truth and the pain and everything that i don't want to face. when i drink, i always drink more than i set out to. i can't just be buzzed, i have to get drunk, or the night's a waste, or so goes my logic. and now that i sit here, alone at home, sober and hurt, without anyone to really understand how hard this is, to refrain from drinking, without anyone to care, i find myself without a reason to continue. i know that killing myself is not the answer, but i find myself out of options. i walk around, sober, but still feeling under the influence. i am half-alive, just a zombie living in this girl's body and putting up a somewhat convincing facade. i have never felt so completely empty, so void of feeling. like a girl who's been used, with a body that's no longer her own. i give up control because somehow it makes me feel more in control. but yet, on the phone i sound fine, and when i talk to you i am okay, because i don't want to hurt you. i always use to think there was hope at the end of the tunnel, or whatever the hell that means. but now i realize, that this depression has been a spiral of ups and downs, but it has never ceased. at the end of the day, if you tell me i'm beautiful, i will still look in the mirror and despise the ugly reflection of myself. i have nothing and no one to live for, and the worst part is that i'm sitting here writing down feelings to a fuckin website, which would be cool, except that it does nothing to quiet the terror raging inside me. this all must sound stupid, coming from an 18 year old teenage girl, right? but at least it's honest. all i've done in the past is lie to others and myself, and i guess it's time to be honest. but i guess i can't go telling my parents and friends that i wish i was fuckin dead, can i? i'm void of energy and meaning, which honestly, just scares the hell out of me. i don't know what i may do..
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