"Your mind is your greatest asset". I've been told that essentially and literally my entire life. I'm supposed to be brilliant. But my life is cursed by the eternal and inevitable idea that nothing I could ever do would ever matter. It'll all go away and be forgotten, including by me. I'll die and be gone. I've tried being a good Christian. But I can never convince myself that any of it is true. Why shouldn't I drink myself to death? At least I can die drunk and by my own volition. I need help. I don't want to not exist. I'm terrified out of my mind.