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Wait till I buy the house to end it?

I will close on a house on Wednesday.
But my heart is shattered - I have been cut off from the love of my life.
I am going to end it. Period.
Should I die now or wait till after closing?


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Who are you buying your new home with?
You must've seen much prospect for the future quite recently if you were house shopping.


Has a frog in the family
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welcome to SF we are a peer community that cares but never judges. look around at the different forums and post if you can or go to chat if you prefer real time. i would wait until after the closing. then i would try to keep going. keep trying to build a positive life . don't give up you can meet the right person later. there are always possibilities if you are alive. i hope things get better soon...mike...*console*sadhug*shake
Sorry I didn’t respond. In pain. It’s a long and complicated story and I find people are more interested in “judging”.

I have loved - truly loved - only one girl in my life. I met the love of my life when I was 8 years old. That was many decades ago.

I have had two failed marriages and a baby momma, trying to fill the her-shaped hole in my heart.

I don’t want to go into every instance, but when we were little I used to “rescue” her a lot.

We both have endured unimaginable pain since early childhood.

At the time, being young, I guess, she didn’t realize the depth of love I had for her.

When I was 15 I was moved away by family to another town, because they wanted me to have a better school, and because the mother who abandoned me as a child decided to come back and she and I did not get along (I had been raised by my grandma up to that point).

At around age 25, my beloved realized just how much I loved her, and that she had always loved me. She felt she had married the wrong man - that the entire time she was trying to fill the me-shaped hole in her heart with others. Often with devastating consequences. She looked all around for me but could not find me - it did not help that my last name had been changed when I was 17. Also I get physically bigger and more muscular. So much so that when we found each other again, she could scarcely believe it was me, because my build had changed so much.

13 years of searching for me and we finally found each other.

My second wife of two years had just walked out for the fourth time. All this love that was supposed to go to Fy Nghariad, “My Beloved”, I was giving to other women who knew not its worth.

The first night we found each other, we talked literally all night.

I feel God used her to bring me back from among the dead. And (though I don’t want to get into this, for her sake), I got to rescue her from someone else from her past who could have REALLY hurt her.

She nearly left him four times.

One time I got to actually have her with me, for just a little bit.

They were separated at one point. But it was devastating her kids who I love so very much. It was devastating her to be apart from them. He was wanting her back. My heart was so broken at her heart being so broken at being apart from her babies, I made her go back.

I let her go, again.

But then she came back to me. Not physically living with me, but at least talking. She still loved me.

So we continued. She was supposed to be trying to work things out with him.

Then we got caught.

And I had to let her go again.

Then she came back again.

And knowing that this was the woman I was built for, I rejoiced at her return.

Then we were caught again.

So I let her go.

And she kept coming back.

Each time she’s gone though, it feels like the last. It takes so much out of me. The love of my life. Back in my arms. Ripped away. Back again. Ripped away.

I have been suicidal since I was five. I just can’t seem to die. And believe me, I’ve tried.

Now we’ve been cut off, again. This time it might be for good. The man she married has cut her off from almost all social media. She isn’t even allowed to install apps on her phone. He tracks all her movements via her phone.

And it was all my fault.

The last time we were caught, he allowed us to talk to each other so long as we kept it platonic.

I hadn’t heard “I love you” from her in a year and a half.

It’s been three and a half years since I physically last saw her.

She’s under a lot of pressure because her family members can’t keep themselves together and she’s now having to take on her sister’s three kids in addition to the four of her own. Her husband doesn’t make enough to take care of his own family. I’ve been secretly helping them out for years.

And stupid me just couldn’t let it go and just HAD to hear “I love you” one more time.

And now it has cost everything.

Please understand I never once mentioned her leaving him. But this is what she sent me.

“ It’s not just the kids.

You know I love you but I can’t leave.

It’d be abandonment.

I have no Scriptural reason and I’d be putting my soul in jeopardy.”

He was monitoring the conversation. And now she and I are cut off entirely from each other.

I am buying the house for me and my daughter. I was living in an apartment - the same one I lived in with my first wife and our son. I had moved there many years ago because it was where my son and I had shared the happiest years of our lives. in fact I have lived in that apartment three separate times for a total of 13 years.

Since it didn’t look like Fy Nghariad was ever going to be living with me, I had decided I was going to stay in that apartment until the day I died. Which would hopefully be soon.

However, after years of living next to a wonderful neighbor, that neighbor moved out, and the new neighbors were drug dealers.

After trying to stay for a year, and no one in authority doing anything about it, I decided to move.

I thought I would get a house so that my daughter could have a safe, loving home to spend time at, when she wanted to be with her daddy (her mom has primary custody).

Stupid me thought there might be hope.

And now I have ruined it all; because I just had to hear “I love you” one more time. He told my beloved never to say that to me again.

I’m so tired. I’ve had abuse after abuse in my life. I just want to go Home to the Lord.

I just don’t want to leave my kids and family with a financial mess to clean up.

I just want to go into the mountains and die there, and be in the Place Where No Shadows Fall.


Well-Known Member
I think you might be looking at one of those blessings in disguise, since your ex sounds like a complete and utter basket case.

You mention how even when you were little you had to "keep saving her", she's now married and has kids and is playing a game of stringing you along, having you thinking your going to "save her" (even though there's nothing wrong with her relationship), you're even giving her money - which is "saving her".

She sounds like one of those people who revels in living in drama and chaos and likes finding people to drag into her crazy world - rather like my ex-wife - who made my life an absolute misery, hence why I'm here.

You sound like me - she's got inside your head and fiddled with the wiring, and now you're confused and messed up while she's sat with her feet up sipping Pina colada with the money you gave her.

Brother, you've had the luckiest escape of your life and you're sad about it because you can't see the truth.

Stop being a romantic, life is not a Disney fairytale. Stop caring about her, she's been playing you, and start caring about yourself and your daughter.


Well-Known Member
Sometimes in cases like these where the world comes crashing down and people throw out that ugly word "drama" I would sit down in a quite space away from people and start writing out what exactly is making me angry or miserable. Then re read it when I am done. It sounds differently whem read on paper and when you can see all parts of it, something might pop out and give you an idea of what will work for your situation. Ppl keep pulling me in different directions or closer relations tell me what I should do. Those rarely are in my best will. Matter of the heart is a personal choice.


Over a low sun, undo the undone.
You just described all the symptoms of BPD. If you have never been treated for mental health issues, I think it would be a good idea to start trying to get some kind of treatment.

Oh, I just noticed this was posted last year. So...okay, not "JUST described", then...but yeah.

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