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wait until my mum dies or just kill myself now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by suicide is the only way, Jul 23, 2013.

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  1. well im pretty much waiting for my mum to die before i commit suicide. i know it would break her heart if i was to do it while shes around but im getting so sick of waiting. im 21 and she is 51 so i know its still a long way of but I've been waiting for about 6 months now. so is there anyone else doing this or does anyone think i should just do it and write an apologetic letter to her?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh dear hun non you would only as you say cause her so much pain

    A letter will never take away the what if or the should of on your mothers part she will always blame herself hun always.

    What you do hun is reach out and get some help some support for YOU so you can be stronger and in less emotional pain.

    So you can enjoy the time you have with your mother and not feel like you are just holding on
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am a parent (age 52) and lost my son (age 18). I won't preach to you about guilt, selfishness, or anything like that... because that is not applicable and that is not productive. What I can do is tell you honestly how I feel after losing a son. If you ever want to talk about it and get some good, honest, thoughts... feel free to message me. I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose, and no reason to do anything other than be truthful, for what it's worth.

    There is always hope, even when one does not think they can find it.
  4. dannyboy86

    dannyboy86 Active Member

    Don't Do it like that. I dont know what your going through, but your mom didnt invest a lifetime in raising you to just kill yourself and walk away. Dude wait. And if you do it, make sure that its not in or around home. People kill themselves at home because its there one safe place. I think people internalize their pain, when they dont talk about it which makes them further isolate. Not healthy.

    Its your choice, you can exersice your own free will. But do it in a way where you dont hurt your loved ones. Suicide is one of the hardest words in any language. It makes you feel like a theres a cloak of guilt, desperation, and other thoughts when you just think about it.

    Please hold on. You would never know who you could have helped.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Please hun, don't do it. Instead find things you like that you can do with your mom. It would break her heart if you went through with it. I feel bad for what I did to my mom..she stayed awake for 2 days until I came out of a coma back in 2011. I am no longer suicidal, please don't do it. :hug:
  6. Cursedforever

    Cursedforever New Member

    I am new here, so I dont know if I can reply but my daughter is 21, and If I lost her my world would fall apart, living without her would kill me inside to the point I do not think i would recover. And as her mom if my daughter felt the same as you, and actually went through with it I would blame myself for not seeing it, for not fixing it and I would always wonder if I just didnt her love enough. Sorry for the guilt trip its just how it would affect me. i ask you as a very special person the exact age as my child, please, please, please reach out for help, dont be afraid to let others know your thoughts please dont just accept this is how you feel , it can change one way or another it can change. please try to address the thoughts you are having and realize your not alone many people feel the way you do, reaching out here is a huge step just dont stop reaching out. many good and positive feelings sent your way.
  7. Nahomy101

    Nahomy101 Guest

    Don't do it! I don't know what your current situation is, but I'm pretty sure your mom didn't raise you and took care of you(I'm assuming) for you to end up killing yourself. Life has its ups and downs, it's a rollercoaster mate. Stay strong.
  8. curlyzombie

    curlyzombie New Member

    Don't do it! I don't know what you're going though, but suicide is never the answer. I know life is rough, believe me, I have experience with that. But all the fighting is worth it in the end! Stay strong!
    Your mom didn't spend a lifetime raising you/taking care of you(I'm assuming) for you to end up killing yourself.
  9. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I think I am waiting for my mother to die as well. She is 63, her health is not good but I think she could probably make it to her 70s if she takes better care of herself. She lives with me, my crappy siblings are too selfish to take her in, even though one of them has a huge house. They'd make her life hellish also so I wouldn't even want her to live with them. I know if I ended my life now, my mother would have nowhere to go and she could end up homeless. She's also not as open-minded as I am about suicide, because she's a Christian and thinks its a sin. Which means she'd ending up dying in the most horrible ways possible-something I could not accept. Which is one major reason why I'm still here-otherwise I think I would've ended it a lot time ago.

    You're still fairly young, I don't know what would cause you to want to end your life, but I'd give anything to be 21 again and just do things over-I'm in my early 40s. Your mother is relatively young, if her health is ok she'll be around for about another 20 years at least. You want to be sure that she is going to be fine if/when you go so that she doesn't end up in a bad place. Also if you do proceed, make sure your method won't gruesome that'll leave her with terrible memories.

    Think about the future, 5-20 years ahead. If you care about your mother, then you'd want to plan it out right. I never ever imagined my mother's health would deteriorate so quickly-she used to work and was pretty independent, but then got sick and she had to live with me. So even if your mother is ok today, you don't know what the future holds. Also I should mention that my mother has been a huge help for me these past few years...I couldn't achieve certain things without her help. So much to think about, don't make any rash decisions.
  10. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Until I joined this forum a few months ago I thought I was the only one who felt this way about my mother, but I have discovered that is not true.

    34 years ago I realized with shocking suddenness that I did not belong on this planet and needed to exit as quickly as possible.

    However, I looked around me and saw a devoted mother who would literally be destroyed if I took my own life. I know that sounds conceited, but it is true.

    Cursedforever's post above is particularly important, I think. I know that my mother would drown in her "I-should-have-done-more/I-am-a-complete-failure-as-a-mother" guilt if I departed before she did.

    So anyway, I made a pact with myself 34 years ago that no matter how desperate things became, I would not take my life while my mother was still living. After all she has done and sacrificed for me, that is the least I can do for her in return.

    So, to the original poster, I would say please keep going. You will be saving your mother more heartache and despair than you probably realize right now. Obviously you love her a lot, so I can definitely tell you that, one day, you will be so glad you stayed alive for her.
  11. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    I am in a similar situation. I am concerned about the impact of killing myself on both my parents and who will look after them when they are elderly. However that is about 20-30 years away and I am not sure if i can wait that long. However I have a dog who is my responsibility and although I wish I could end my life now, I feel so much guilt over leaving her. So I am waiting for her to die which could be about 10 years and then re-asses. It seems so impossible and like such a long time but I feel like it is sort of a compromise. I feel guilty about my parents but at the end of the day they are not my responsibility and I'm not their only child. But I am the dogs owner and if I dont care for her she will be in a shelter or put down, so feel like I have no other choice.

    I know some people may think its just an animal but there is a reason many people call pets their children, because thats what they are like. Anyway just wanted to say I can sort of relate.
  12. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    PJ - In my opinion, there is no such thing as "just an animal." As an animal lover myself, I cannot think of a better reason to keep going than looking after your "child."

    What is your dog's name?

    Please stay alive for her, and cherish every moment you spend together.
  13. Lorentz

    Lorentz New Member

    I am familiar with this dilemma. I talked it out with my mother years ago and I am sure she will accept it when the time comes.
    On a moral level though, it sounds a bit excessive, to continue living only to not cause someone else pain. Certainly you should take care to not needlessly cause people you care for pain. But to the extent that it's the only reason you keep on living? That seems beyond the pale of what anyone could ask or expect.
  14. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    I have yet to meet a bereaved parent who was able to "accept" the loss of their child.
  15. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply CGMAngel. My dogs name is Texas, even though she is a girl, and it seems that an odd name is very suited to her since she is an odd dog :)
    I had a really bad day and spoke with someone today who basically laughed at the idea of living just to care for an animal. so its really nice to get a reply from someone who gets it and who shows some care, thank you :)
  16. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I cannot believe any caring parent could "accept" something such at this. I guess one need to be a parent first before they can really understand...
  17. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    I totally agree, pick. That was exactly the point I was trying to make. No caring parent ever gets over the loss of their child. I know you definitely understand this. However, I am concerned about those who think their parents will one day be able to "accept" their suicide and move on. Anyone who takes their own life takes a part of their living parents' lives with them, too.
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