I feel like I, and my entire life is on hold right now... I went to my doctor Monday and while this is good news... it just adds to all the things I am just going to sit here and wait for... I have scoliosis and the curvature of my spine is pressing on at least one disc, which causes me horrible pain. I have always had a sore back and knew being too active aggravated it. When I was little a doctor said my spine was twisting, and if it got worse I was supposed to come back as it could be scoliosis and it might need treatment... I never got back to the doctor... I guess my mum wasn't interested in a doctor seeing all my bruises and marks... from *cough cough* being 'clumsy'. And then I didn't want to go either as I became a teenager and very self conscious after being raped etc... I didn't like the thought of a man seeing me naked and touching me... When I was 23, in 2013 my back suddenly got very bad. I could barely walk, some mornings if I had slept on my back I could wake up with paralyzed legs that lasted up to a few hours... that still happens, and the last 6 months there's been weeks where my pinky toes go numb which makes it even harder for me to keep my balance. Anyway, back to 2013... I didn't want to go to the doctor again... mostly because I was scared they would give me pain relief. In my teenage years I was addicted to pain killers and got out of it alone without telling anyone... It was so hard and I never wanted to do that again... I tried to survive the pain with meditation and music (apparently Joan Baez and Bob Dylan helps) and I got obsessed with BBC's Sherlock... trying to forget about the pain. In early 2014 I finally cracked, I realized the pain was only getting worse... I was prescribed medication and had an x-ray done of my back... Turns out it was Scoliosis, and that I'm also double jointed. And because it wasn't treated when I was a teenager the curve will only get worse. My doctor was an old 'pig' of a man who didn't really bother with his patient. He never listened to me and didn't bother talking to me about options... he just kept adding to my doses of pain relief... Monday I saw my new doctor... (when I was given the option to change doctors last year I quickly chose that option. And I'm glad I did!) I actually went to hear if there was a chance to get higher benefits as it's difficult to find and keep a job I can manage with my pain... that wasn't possible... but suddenly the doctor got a very bright idea! She's signing me up for a free 'rehabilitation' program. They offer physiotherapy, dietary advice, and will even help you live with chronic pain. I'm really happy something is finally happening. But... it's just such a reminder of little has been done up to now. And it's another thing added to the list of stuff I'm waiting for... but I have absolutely no idea when will happen - I am waiting to be called in for therapy I severely need (I've had several suicide attempts and self harming episodes through those 8 months) - I am waiting to be called in to get checked for the cancerous gene that runs in my family, and my mum has... - I am waiting on a lady from the jobcenter to get back to me with a date for a meeting with the unpaid placement she found me... - And now I'm waiting for this too... It's driving me nuts not knowing. I can't plan ANYTHING. I can't really afford to go anywhere because I'm dirt poor... but I can't even invite my friends over in a couple of weeks because I have no idea if I get called in for one of those things. And, also about the jobcenter thing... the more time that passes where she isn't calling I get nervous that it isn't happening... This is messing up my OCD. I need to know stuff!! And my Birthday is coming up too... but I can't even get it into my head to plan anything for that.