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Waiting For A Lonely Death

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From the very first day my depression began, I never hid it from anyone, so why haven't I been cured? I just want to be "normal" and happy. Instead, I'm constantly sad, angry and suicidal. Worst of all, I no longer have faith that I'll become better than this. Nobody seems to understand me. It's not like they make much effort either. My parents think I've gone mad and turn a blind eye to the situation. Actually, they've never been able to grasp the situation at all. Professionals (councellors, psychologists, etc.) never seem to take me seriously. Speaking to them has become nothing but a dull routine, like a chore. I've heard everything from "Ignore it, it'll go away." to "Get over it.". Others have even lectured me, saying that I have no right to feel the way I do. I hate that the most. Just because there are people in the world who are worse off than you, doesn't mean your problems hurt any less.

It feels like I've been crying non-stop for the past 8 years (I'm 20 now.). Crying has become part of my everyday living. I also suffer from insomnia because of my disturbing thoughts. My depression has manifested into anxiety, which makes it impossible to be normal. My body reacts in odd ways; I can't sleep at night without the TV on, I can't go to appointments without my boyfriend, I don't answer the phone or the front door. If I attempt anything that my anxiety-riddled body doesn't like, I get a severe panic attack.

I guess I should explain how I ended up at this point. Well, I've always been shy and well-behaved. I was never able to make friends easily, but my grades were above average. In other words, I wasn't much of a "social butterfly". When I was a child, my father molested me on several occassions. Of course, I never told anyone. However, I was too young to understand at the time, so it didn't damage me too badly.

My real problems started at the beginning of high school (Surprised?). A certain girl taunted me for a while because I am half Asian. I had been familiar with racism since Grade 6. I heard the usual phrases; "Gook", "slanty-eyed", "Ching Chong", "Chink", and so on. It was a lot worse in Year 7 though. This particular girl would make comments such as "I hope your Asian mother gets hit by a bus.", stuff like that. Her hate was fuelled by yet another girl, who thought it was funny making a website dedicated to my pathetic existence. The website contained photos of me, my address, my home phone number, my mobile number, and yet more harsh comments; "The next time you shave yourself, cut your wrists and bleed to death.". I'm not even going to mention the random comments left in the site's guestbook.

When people say horrible things to you day after day, you tend to believe them after a while. I've been told (straight to my face) that I don't fit in, and that I never will. I've been told that I am "different". What saddens me is that I never did anything to provoke such comments. As I mentioned earlier, I have always been shy and quiet, but maybe that's what made me an easier target than others.

I've written so much, yet I have barely scratched the surface of my story. I'm too depressed to continue for now.


Well-Known Member
Thats so sad, especially the raciscm:ohmy:

You sound really nice though and i can idnetify what you mean by " Just because others suffer wosrse doesnt make your pain seem any lesser".

Get well soon :)


I've heard a lot about these 'hate sites' being setup by school kids to bully others. It makes me sick. The best thing you can do is try to ignore these jerks, really. They get their kicks by seeing your reaction - don't give them one.

Also, tell your teachers about this hate site they've got and the racism. If that happened at my school, they would have gotten expelled.


The biggest loser ever to live.
Ah yes, as an Indian, I too faced lots of racism and discrimination in middle and high school, especially after the 9/11 attacks, where I'm automatically a Muslim Arab terrorist because I have brown skin and a beard. :dry:

That hate website only shows how pathetic that girl was to go that far to insult you, it shows she has no life and is inferior to you, but I can only imagine how painful that was for you still. I'm very sorry that had to happen. Did you go to a school where there weren't many East Asians, not much diversity? I did once back in 5th grade where the whole school was only black, white and hispanic, so much hate and racism there. Sigh...

Please do not take any offense, I am curious as to what you feel lonely when you have a boyfriend, I'd say you are quite lucky to have one.


rahul1000 said:
Ah yes, as an Indian, I too faced lots of racism and discrimination in middle and high school, especially after the 9/11 attacks, where I'm automatically a Muslim Arab terrorist because I have brown skin and a beard. :dry:
That makes me really mad :mad:

People are so judgemental - ever heard of 'don't judge a book by it's cover'?

If you're suffering racist abuse, you must tell teacher/boss/whatever.


:furious: racist are nothing but low down scum fuelled by lies and hate filled propaganda the fact that people can discrimnate due to skin coluor or religion really boil's my potatoes. Now this a subject i have no experiance as racist's are a group that it is almost impossible to reach. I can only say that i hope you realise that if the only thing these twat's could do was to make some Racist hate filled website to attack one person then it must be a lonley life they lead. take some consollation in the fact you are better than them. Now with the anxiety all i can say is try and seek some medical help or something similar and it will be tough but i'm sure you will be able to come through a stronger person.

Take Care and stay safe

Miss Silk i understand you fell, and i too have a deep deprassion, becouse i have a acne and many people are smile on me or that and i really understand you, and if you wont we can chat, i know when you speac with somthink who can undedrstand you mood fells situasion begin better.


Well-Known Member
Hmmm well it is hard to say while you are still depressed.... despite what people and society want you to think. Depression is not always curable. As for your professional help... well one person put it to me this way "You want someone to make you better not be your friend". And I have to agree with them a little. Maybe, if you are still going, you should ask your counselors for justification as to why they say things that upset you.

As for being an outcast "different" you are not as different as me. I have not been loved nor hated I am just not worth the time. You have a boyfriend, fuck I have not even had a friend much less a significant other.

The only advice that I have been given on a situation like this is to get FAR FAR away....
Miss Silk I feel your pain with the same place you got yours at school when I was in elementary school these punk ass kids picked on me just because I'm asian filipino by the way saying that my race looks like raisins cause there the dark asians that got me really sad same thing happened to me at church when I was very young all the kids had this club with all the other kids and I was locked out and told me I'm a disgrace to the asian race cause I'm dark skinned and there light even though there asian,in highschool right now in 10th grade they call me midget cause of my parents genetics I'm only 5'4 or 5'5 due to this put down during all my years of my life my self-esteem has been ruined and I just wanna step up but I only remember those bad comments about me I have friends but I have no friend that will open up to me you know a shoulder to cry on from those early years until now 5-14 y/o I'm still rejected from my churches club and I wish I would get to know them more but they think I'm wierd/crazy/stupid and the same thing at school and as for you just remember its not your fault of what race you have just be proud that you are a unique person and deserve the respect and attention you need feel free to pm me if you need me.


Staff Alumni
If that hate site is still up id go to the police. Get these morons arrested for anyone of probably half a dozen charges. You dont deserve to be taunted like that.

Your 20 now so I guess school is long since over. Ive been told that im differant, a little odd...I take that as a complement, especially since society projects the average person as a complete idiot. If im not that, then thats a bonus as far as Im concerned.

Its a pity docs and psychs havent been able to help you to this point, they should take everyone seriously that they come in contact with. The best I can suggest is too find other doctors and professionals. You might need some medication too just to pick you up a little, get you on an even keel.

Its a difficult situation but you have people here who will listen, also get into the chat room, and check out the other forums. There are good people online, mature, caring and decent people...take advantage of that.


What saddens me is that I never did anything to provoke such comments.
actually you did, but you just don't remember doing it because it was done in past lives. in fact, everything you're experiencing right now in life is merely the effects of your own past actions.


Well-Known Member
actually you did, but you just don't remember doing it because it was done in past lives. in fact, everything you're experiencing right now in life is merely the effects of your own past actions.
I respect your opinion and all, but you should state it as just that, an opinion and not a fact. I read in another post where you said this has in fact been proven. I am sure your proof is some sort of pseudoscience that is only believed by people most would consider crackpots, but out of curiosity, I would like you to provide me with such proof. Who knows, maybe I will later thank you for showing me the light...:laugh:


Ignore non_existence's spew. I'm sure you didn't do anything in this life, or any other to deserve the horrible racism you have endured. There are just cruel human beings in this world who get enjoyment out of tormenting others. It is a sad fact of life, and one many must endure. I have been tormented many times myself. You just have to ignore the cruel humans comments and not let them cause you to be filled with hate and feelings of worthlessness, don't let the cruel win.


I respect your opinion and all, but you should state it as just that, an opinion and not a fact. I read in another post where you said this has in fact been proven. I am sure your proof is some sort of pseudoscience that is only believed by people most would consider crackpots, but out of curiosity, I would like you to provide me with such proof.
Unfortunetly it's not pseudoscience :(

1. go to your local library and get books by Dr. Ian Stevenson:

especially http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Cases-Suggestive-Reincarnation-Enlarged/dp/0813908728

2. watch some documentaries on Near Death Experiences:

3. observe that you already exist [right now, as your reading this],
all your life your body & mind has been doing nothing but changing
[consider the difference between yourself now & how you were as a
baby], now consider which of the following 2 alternatives is more
likely @ death:
*changing from existence to complete non-existence [annihilation]
*changing from 1 form of existence to a different form of existence
[nothing new, you were already doing this all your life]

to me at least, it seems that going from existence to non-existence is
a MUCH LARGER "jump" [hence less likely] than merely changing to a
different form of existence.

4. isn't is interestingly odd that out of all those millions of years
of history & billions of humans-animals that have already existed you just
happened to be born in exactly year X in exactly country Y, ... ?

5. if you had authentic compassion for someone else, wouldn't
you want to guarantee their safety & protection under any possible
situation ? hence you would immediately assume rebirth is true, and
operate from that view for the long-term protection of everyone you
have compassion for.


Well-Known Member
I try to follow the old saying "arguing on the internet is like winning the special Olympics...even if you win you're still retarded" but what the hey. I enjoy a good philosophical debate...plus need some reason to procrastinate from doing my homework.

I respect your opinion...no matter how much I disagree with it at the moment, and am just stating some of my opinions whether you care about them or not...

First of all, I would hardly call anything on Wikipedia "proof".

Second, although I haven't read "Twenty Cases Suggestive of Reincarnation" I will in fact judge a book by its cover. Two key words in the title. The first being "Twenty", the second word being "Suggestive". Out of six billion people there are only twenty cases in this book? The word "suggestive" is far from any form or proof. With such a title, I'm not even going to give the book a chance by reading it.

I myself have had experiences of seeing myself from above. I fainted once, and while I was completely unaware of anything while unconscious, I have a vivid memory of seeing myself from above and all the people who were standing around me...proof that we in fact have a soul...not to me. I choose to believe that when the mind is unconscious, it has no coping ability to account for the unconsciousness, so it implants the memory of an "out of body experience" in our minds. The same with the white light people see when they pass out or clinically die. If one believes they are going to see a white light, then they will in fact have a memory of seeing a white light. Even if one doesn't believe, most of society is conditioned to believe and even though they consciously choose to not believe, subconsciously they have been conditioned by society to believe. Hence someone with no belief in heaven (or hell) being a born again Christian (or whatever) after having a near death experience and seeing the white light (or fire and demons in some cases I have heard)

As far as believing children’s stories of reincarnation...:laugh:

I can vividly remember my friend as a child who was a slimy green creature that lived behind the walls of my home. By your logic, that must mean he was real...:laugh:

I believe that reincarnation is pseudoscience, and there is absolutely no proof...evidence is not proof. I have heard of many stories of out of body experiences and reincarnation that seemed very convincing...who knows, maybe they are all true, but not in my opinion. People will have memories of a past life if they either consciously or subconsciously believe in that sort of thing, but what people have memories of, and what is a scientific fact are two completely different things. My feelings towards anything such as reincarnation or any form of afterlife is that they are mere human creations because as such self-important beings, we must refuse to believe that we are nothing more than am insignificant life form in a vast universe. Believing in eternal life after death, or in being reborn gives our other wise drab existence meaning…a completely false meaning in my opinion, that probably why I am so damned depressed all the time:laugh:

You have the right to believe whatever you want to believe. Maybe your beliefs are true...who am I to really say they are not. But even if they are true, you have no proof. Again, evidence is not proof. I would just like you to remember that next time you claim you have proof.
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Well-Known Member
Oh yeah...I kinda forgot in my rant the whole reason for my rant to begin with.

It's fine that you believe in reincarnation, but it is in fact a pseudoscience. Pseudo = false, science = fact. Pseudoscience = falsefact. No matter how many stories or theories there are or what personal experiences you believe you have had with reincarnation, there is absolutely no scientific facts. I know you could give me plenty of things that could be construed as evidence, but evidence doesn't equel proof. If evidence equaled proof, O.J. Simpson would be in prision:laugh:

The point is, you don't tell a person who is depressed and suicidal that it is THEIR fault that bad things happen to them because they were a bad person in a past life, then present that idea as an ABSOLUTE fact, as you have done. It is in no way, shape, or form a fact. Only a theory and YOUR opinion. A depressed person could easily misinterpret what you said to mean that it must be a fact that if they were a bad person in a past life, they must be a bad person in this life. I'm sure your intentions are good, but be careful of the advice you give to a person with suicidal thoughts as it could easily be misconstrued.

Miss Kay,

I apologize for getting your thread soo off track. I don't know what your beliefs are, maybe you believe in reincarnation as well. Whatever your believes, don't take what non_existence said to heart. Just because bad things happen to you don't mean you have ever been a bad person in this life or any other one and it certainly doesn't mean you deserve the things you have endured. I know I probably haven't been of any help, but I hope something has and you are doing better.
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