Waiting for the Right Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Nov 1, 2009.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Truth is I don’t know why I’m even writing this. I’ve already made up my mind to kill myself. It is now just coming down to setting a date to just get it over with. I found out that the life insurance my parents’ got for me when I was born will expire when I turn 25 in May. I need to do it before then, I just can’t figure out an exact day.

    I would say March would be best. There aren’t any holidays near that month. At least none I can think of at the moment. I just hate the idea of my family spending money on me in between now and then. It is especially hard with the holiday season about to kick off in full swing.

    I made the decision kill myself over the last few weeks. I’ve been depressed for 11 years, suicidal for 10 (so at least I can say I gave life a try). I think I can just do it now because after so long, I finally know that I’ll never fit in. I’ll never make it “big” in the world or even just make by. Right now I’m working a temp job to pay off my student loans. I should be able to pay them off completely by January, but then there will be no money left over to help cover the costs of a funeral.

    Honestly, last night was the last straw for me. It really made me see how I don’t belong, even among my last remaining friends. I was at their place for a Halloween party, only a few people showed up at first. We were supposed to meet the rest at a bowling alley for a late night game. Despite being 24, I am not young anymore. Everything aches, and I have not felt young since I was 22 after spending months building up a semblance of self-esteem after my break-up (from the only girl I ever dated). What took months to make was destroyed in weeks after returning home and being unable to find a job after college. So now I work a temp job that doesn’t even require a high school degree, literally. Great way to use that education that everyone told me I needed to make it in the world.

    Anyway, back to last night. I realized when I was there I was one of the only people there without a girlfriend there, and I kept drifting away from everyone else to stand by myself. It just seemed to be an involuntary action. I also felt extremely depressed when I saw everyone else happy, and when I did start to feel happy (even remotely) I would just snap back to my normal self and then feel like I don’t even deserve to be happy because I’m such a worthless person. Messed up, right?

    Then there was the drinking. Thanks to a member of my family I cannot stand being around people that drink. It just makes me angry and uncomfortable, even when someone just drinks one beer. When they get drunk, I get very angry and start thinking of violent thoughts and images, which almost exclusively involve me being killed. That’s a big reason I did not enjoy college because who doesn’t drink there?

    So I decided I should just end it. I don’t belong anywhere in this world. I know I’ll never get a job in the field I chose to study in, which I don’t really like anyway. I’ll never do what I really want to do, partially out of fear of succeeding and then people looking into my past. It’s not like I’ve done anything people would really look down on (even though I’m sure there are things I’ve done people would look down on). I lived my life playing by the rules like I was told to. I was told if I did that then I would be rewarded for my hard work. So I let my youth go by and believed the lies I was fed hoping for the eventual payoff that never came. After all, look at the most powerful people in the world…they all broke the rules at some point.

    All my priorities were messed up. I let all those people pick on me in school and get away with it. Now they’re in the same type of jobs I’m in (pay wise/education level) or they’re even better off. I can’t stand my family anymore and can no longer even care about what my suicide will do to them. I figure it will make things better in the long run when it forces my brothers to actually get involved with my parents.

    So that’s all I’m going to write for now, even though I feel like I could keep writing for a few more pages and not feel any different. I fear I’ll just start circling around to the same stuff again.
  2. KayleighKore

    KayleighKore Member

    i'm in the same situation. Deciding to do it just not sure when. Please, don't do it. You've been sent these problems because you're strong enough to handle and over come them.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    typically, when we have to decide on "the date" ... we really dont want to do it. last year, i had my date. i had a date simply because i was gunna get paid and i wanted to be some place before i did it. bottom line is ... in that time i had some intervention because i said the right thing to the right person.
    the last time i tried it .. this past june, i snapped and did it. i didnt have enough pills to complete my mission. i didnt care. thats how serious i was.

    my suggestion would be, find someone to talk to. thats what the first shrink told me last year. talk to more ppl. stressed as we get and i have been there, we find ways to delay the ultimatum.

    find someone and start talking.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep writing keep posting get the pain out of you keep going
  5. Stever407

    Stever407 Member

    I have planed a date and do want to do it, and will do it. The reson I planed a date was to have everthing in oreder for my faimly. I also have planed a way so it looks like a accident because it is my understanding that my life insurance will not pay off if I kill my self or the insurance that pays off my house. I cant speak for others but for me planing it out was and is inportant for my faimly.
  6. Twelve

    Twelve Member

    Well, a saying goes that we only accept the love we 'think' we deserve. You think you don't deserve a lot, when ironically, you're the person that deserves more. You've been through a lot.

    I'm no master of relationships either. 2 in my life, very short. And I'm very down myself, but I still hold hope chance will pass along where the right one comes. The right one for you. Not a drinker, maybe not even one that 'has fun'. A sad person + a sad person = twice as happy?

    And personally, I know exactly where you are coming from with this temp job. I'm a college junior, and have been forced to work blue collar to keep myself in. Making matters more difficult, I'm an art major, which is the near polar opposite. It sounds crazy, but consider documenting it into a writing/novel style. Even take photographs with a phone voyeur style. I did this, and it keeps my sanity.

    To conclude, love > money. Your family is going to be more devastated minus a son than having to pay a 'payable' mortgage.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Please keep posting here. We'll walk with you through this pain. You have a lot going for you and you can build a good future for yourself.


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    stever, what makes you think that money to support your family is going to make any differance to THEM when your gone ?
    its great that you want to do the right thing for your family. but ... dont you think being around is the MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR THEM ?

    its obvious that you care about your family ... perhaps you dont care quite enough to stay alive ??
  9. Stever407

    Stever407 Member

    I do love my faimly, my kids are grown now and my wife has left me after 29 years because she cant deal with my depression any longer, and I dont blame her at all. It would be such along story to explan it all and I just am not up to it. I wanted to wait to the end of the month but I can't make it, today is the day. I think I have everthing covered for them. I am not sure why I came on here and have told all of you about this, mybe it because I just feel so alone, I just don't know. I am sorry to have been a bother to anyone here. I am heading out in to the woods as soon as I sign off.
    I wish all of you the best.
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