Truth is I don’t know why I’m even writing this. I’ve already made up my mind to kill myself. It is now just coming down to setting a date to just get it over with. I found out that the life insurance my parents’ got for me when I was born will expire when I turn 25 in May. I need to do it before then, I just can’t figure out an exact day. I would say March would be best. There aren’t any holidays near that month. At least none I can think of at the moment. I just hate the idea of my family spending money on me in between now and then. It is especially hard with the holiday season about to kick off in full swing. I made the decision kill myself over the last few weeks. I’ve been depressed for 11 years, suicidal for 10 (so at least I can say I gave life a try). I think I can just do it now because after so long, I finally know that I’ll never fit in. I’ll never make it “big” in the world or even just make by. Right now I’m working a temp job to pay off my student loans. I should be able to pay them off completely by January, but then there will be no money left over to help cover the costs of a funeral. Honestly, last night was the last straw for me. It really made me see how I don’t belong, even among my last remaining friends. I was at their place for a Halloween party, only a few people showed up at first. We were supposed to meet the rest at a bowling alley for a late night game. Despite being 24, I am not young anymore. Everything aches, and I have not felt young since I was 22 after spending months building up a semblance of self-esteem after my break-up (from the only girl I ever dated). What took months to make was destroyed in weeks after returning home and being unable to find a job after college. So now I work a temp job that doesn’t even require a high school degree, literally. Great way to use that education that everyone told me I needed to make it in the world. Anyway, back to last night. I realized when I was there I was one of the only people there without a girlfriend there, and I kept drifting away from everyone else to stand by myself. It just seemed to be an involuntary action. I also felt extremely depressed when I saw everyone else happy, and when I did start to feel happy (even remotely) I would just snap back to my normal self and then feel like I don’t even deserve to be happy because I’m such a worthless person. Messed up, right? Then there was the drinking. Thanks to a member of my family I cannot stand being around people that drink. It just makes me angry and uncomfortable, even when someone just drinks one beer. When they get drunk, I get very angry and start thinking of violent thoughts and images, which almost exclusively involve me being killed. That’s a big reason I did not enjoy college because who doesn’t drink there? So I decided I should just end it. I don’t belong anywhere in this world. I know I’ll never get a job in the field I chose to study in, which I don’t really like anyway. I’ll never do what I really want to do, partially out of fear of succeeding and then people looking into my past. It’s not like I’ve done anything people would really look down on (even though I’m sure there are things I’ve done people would look down on). I lived my life playing by the rules like I was told to. I was told if I did that then I would be rewarded for my hard work. So I let my youth go by and believed the lies I was fed hoping for the eventual payoff that never came. After all, look at the most powerful people in the world…they all broke the rules at some point. All my priorities were messed up. I let all those people pick on me in school and get away with it. Now they’re in the same type of jobs I’m in (pay wise/education level) or they’re even better off. I can’t stand my family anymore and can no longer even care about what my suicide will do to them. I figure it will make things better in the long run when it forces my brothers to actually get involved with my parents. So that’s all I’m going to write for now, even though I feel like I could keep writing for a few more pages and not feel any different. I fear I’ll just start circling around to the same stuff again.