Waiting for 'when it's going to get better' like they all told me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Apr 20, 2015.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I'm a college student, so not only am I looked down on because I'm at the young age of 17, I'm also looked down upon because I've mentioned in the past on occasion that I struggle to find work. Oh, a real college student would try and get whatever he/she could get, I obviously am not trying hard enough!

    I've been told all my life that "it'll get easier as you grow up, you'e only 11 now, at that awkward age sympathetic nod but it'll get better once you hit your teens!", then the age of 13-14 hits, and everything is even weirder. "Oh, but wait" they say "16 will be better! You'll have responsibility! You'll be able to get a job! You'll go to college and leave high school forever (which was a big deal to a kid with agoraphobia and an intense fear of crowds and teenagers) and everybody at college is much mature!!!

    The age of 16 came... and passed. All I heard was the wails of "you can have sex now" which holds absolutely no appeal to me, and then the most annoying "You can now do the lottery!" as if I have £2 or whatever it costs now to buy a lottery card, I'm nearly in tears after my clothes rip again and I know sewing them is not going to help anymore.

    Now at 17, it's the "You can drink at 18!!!! You can get so hammered Ellie! You can buy whatever you want online! You can open a paypall account! You can go into casinos and work better jobs! Yeah, I'm sure the increase in responsibilities and the decrease of help available and sympathy for the small, broken child I was is really worth it just so I can legally buy a bottle of wine, which I'll probably use to drown my sorrows as my increasingly disappointed uncle throws me out the door.

    My god, and what will they say at 18? Nothing!

    I'm on a college course I can't stand, a college course I'm terrified of, suffering panic attacks every day at the idea of going in, even for just those 2 pissing days out of the week. I want to work just so I can breathe easy and buy clothes that aren't on sale. You know why I got into college with pretty much no education? Because I'm a female, they have to hire more females into the male orientated profession I'm entering, so they'll do anything to get me to finish this years course and next years, even if they have to drag me through it.

    And I know how lucky I am, I know how well I'm treated, I know how good the college is, how good the course is, how incredibly good the students are for not recoiling at my scarred to ruin body, and being nice to me and not talking behind my back, and helping out when I need it.

    This is just the beginning, and look at it? Holding out to 18 because everybody keeps saying it gets better, up to now it's steadily got worse. At 11 I didn't have my best friend trying to get into my pants like I did at 13, and I wasn't so scarred at 13 that by 15 no teenager my age would willingly go near me in that regard. This is my life, having to find long sleeved clothes to interviews whilst suffering panic attacks in the waiting room just to be shunned away after being the 50th minimum applicant. Having to deal with peoples glares if they see my arm, or watching people who look past my plain appearance before freaking out after catching a glance of my scars.

    How about having to deal with my broken past and having to deal with the fact the only person who shows any amount of care towards me is my Uncle who can't even stand to talk to me and dismisses me away from him like I'm a fucking dog. This is my life? This is it? I'm waiting for 18 just so that I'll be homeless, I've waited until 16 just so I can fuck somebody and find a job that no longer exists once those rose tinted glasses broke? I dread to see myself at 18 where the admittedly more cushy aspects of my life will change and I'll be on my ass in the streets a week after my birthday.
    When is it that I can say with conviction "suicide seems at least a viable answer" and not be scoffed at because I'm "just too young to understand the perils of adulthood".

    My childhood was a sham of agoraphobia, self injury and a stupid suicide attempt followed by talking to old men online, entering a sexual relationship and shoveling painkillers down my throat before I hit the age of 15. It's now over with, I'll never get it back, I'll never be able to erase the scars, the shame. All I can do is look to a future that looks like a lonely wasteland where children recoil at the sight of me.

    And yes... I do have a psychiatrist, it's not helping that much despite being a good guy who knows his stuff. I'll finish it here, there's probably nothing that can be said but... It's nice to write all that down, sorry for the odd swear word here and there.
  2. Hi Ellie Grey,
    While reading your post, it reminded me of how dismissive of how people can be of the serious problems of young adults. Far too often older adults forget how difficult it can be for youth to cope with serious mental health issues that many "mentally healthy" adults would find intolerable. I'm not sure how helpful this may be, but perhaps if you could use the injustice of your past to help others who have been dismissed by a callous society, ignorant of the true nature of the suffering of many of the youth of society. That is one thing that helped me to make it through those difficult years. It's funny how sometimes through helping others and gaining understanding of others, are we able to understand ourselves.
  3. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    I feel that I'm in no position to offer you advice
    You've clearly put far more effort into life then I did at your age

    Regardless, I hope that fortune may favor you in the future
    Please stay strong
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