waiting is the hardest thing harder than hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by me76, Apr 26, 2014.

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  1. me76

    me76 Member

    all to often I just wait...
    I just hope it stops...
    wait for it to end...
    hoping it will end...
    but it doesn't come...
    I hope It comes but it doesn't....
    how doesn't matter...
    just the day is comes....
    sometimes I would do anything to make it end now...
    I hope it ends now....
    sometimes I don't even know what I want to end...
    even though I know what I want to end...
    which makes waiting for hope so hard...

    (im sorry my thoughts and feelings without being so direct)
     
  2. me76

    me76 Member

    I don't know what to do with myself.
    tired of feeling like this. like the thoughts have just become part of me. always there, I just accept it. its just an emotion to me now. but what happens when I finally cry? when you are happy, you smile, sad, you cry. but this.....ive been on this road before. well I guess its the same road. I seeked help. thought I got off this road, only to realize I never left. this road cant go forever. I cant even picture myself a month from now. I really really don't want to be here. ive always been like that. I know why and I don't. but I do know that I love life; just not mine. I feel lost on this road. sometimes I feel my heart skip a beat. and smile hoping it stops. but it doesn't. Its lonely on this road. which makes it worse. I don't even know how to be happy. I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore. I feel so in too deep that if I look up I will see dirt, so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind and body I cant even make out 1 of them. I cant focus on anything. except the end of this road for which I hope comes very very soon.
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi Me76. Sometimes we have to take it one day at a time - even one hour or one minute at a time. I found that in really hard times, being appreciative of even the smallest good things helped me to feel a bit better. And then once I was feeling a bit better, I could work on making more things better. Perhaps that could work for you. :noidea: If you love life, but not yours, how could you try to achieve the life you want? What is missing or what needs to change?

    You're not alone in all these feelings - we might not be in your shoes, but we can be supporters and listeners here. Feel free to PM me any time if you want to bat around ideas. :)
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i understand i do hun you have to find something someon to hold onto ok and if you can find joy in their life then find it until your joy comes back I do hope you have a therapist to help you and a doc ok Hope is there hun just dam it hides sometimes but it is still there hugs
     
  5. me76

    me76 Member

    I have a therapist. just stopped going. gining up
     
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think we all wish the misery would end. And we all probably wish we could just snap our fingers and make it go away. But its a long road. Healing takes a very long time, and there are many set backs. At times it seems so useless. I know I go to bed every night, hoping I won't wake up in the morning. When I learn of a friend's death, I get angry, or jealous, that it wasn't me. But then I have that one partially decent day, and trudging down that road becomes worth it. Yep, happiness is VERY rare. I don't really know what I would do if I was ever truly happy. But the simple things help me keep trying. A warm bed, a hug from my favorite teddy bear, a day when my digestive system performs properly. I try not to think too far ahead. That could get entirely too scary. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    me76, when we are unhappy, it tells us something is not going right for us. Giving up doesn't change things, sweetie; they just stay the same or get worse if we give up. Offing ourselves is obviously an "end" of sorts - but it doesn't make things "better" - it just stops life. Keep fighting. I get that this is a bad time for you, and I hope that changes soon. For now, just know that the bad times don't define people. I think you have lots of good stuff to offer the world! I hope you get back to your therapist so you can have the good life you deserve.
     
  8. me76

    me76 Member

    thanks...problem is I don't think my life is worth fighting for. I don't want t fight for it.
     
  9. me76

    me76 Member

    I seeked help before and don't ever want to be in a hospital like that again. I know I need help. im fightint a losing battle within myself. im very scared. im petrified. I really appreciate your help. I just cant find or think of 1 reason to live. I don't even like myself. I wish I never existed
     
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    me76, it isn't always necessary to be in hospital to get counselling.

    To find a counsellor in your area, try calling a distress/crisis line and asking what community mental health resources are available. There are often drop in centers, counselling services at low/no cost, and social workers who can help.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this low right now. One reason to live is so that you get a chance to have the good in life that you deserve. Another reason to live is that when we do feel better, we are often quite shocked that we ever felt like giving up. So please, don't give up before you have given yourself a chance, hun! :arms:

    Stay strong and safe! Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hoping you can find the strength not to give up, to keep fighting. I know it's scary, and maybe right now you don't feel as if your life is worth fighting for. But it really is.

    Were you able to connect at all with the therapist you had before?
     
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