Waiting to die..

i just came across this forum today..recently i admitted to my mom that i was feeling depressed and suicidal and am now taking celexa, but its not having any effect on me just yet, and i know it takes time. but waiting while you feel like dying is hard. my days have been taken over by the obsessing thoughts about committing suicide and preparing to commit suicide..i dont want to leave my family in disarray so i want to plan everything out. i don't want to live my life battling with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life..ive been battling this for almost 5 years completely and utterly alone. so, i know nothings gonna change or get better..its getting harder to go to classes and work..i dont sleep at all at night. im just so tired, lonely, afraid, and don't know how much longer i can simply hold on til i realize its enough.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. But know that you are not the only one that has felt it. Many of us here, myself included, have gone through similar situations, have felt similar things, and are still here. Meds do take time, and you should give yourself enough time to let them work. But waiting is hard, very hard, and it's unfortunate that any of us, especially you at this time, have to play the waiting game while we deal with the immense pain within.

I know that you feel there is no chance you will get better, after all, you've been dealing with it for 5 years. I say the same things to myself sometimes, today even. I have felt depressed for 6 years, suicidal, and suffered alone to spare everyone else having to deal with me. It really feels like it won't change and that you have nothing good to look forward to. But think about it, if you die, what chance do you have to see what exactly awaits you? Sure it may not look like there's any hope now, but that doesn't mean that tomorrow, or even one day in the future you won't find hope and a reason to keep living. I know you feel like you are alone. I know you are tired and afraid. Anyone in your situation would be. But you are NOT alone. You have all of us at this site to help you through this. And it's ok to be tired and afraid. A day will come when you will find a chance to rest, and have the opportunity to be free from the grasp of that fear. You don't know that this feeling you have will stay with you forever. Many people here have gotten better. Look to them as an example. Let your meds have a chance to work. Give yourself some time, and stop your planning for now. Your death, no matter how planned, will leave your family in disarray. No matter what plan you have or how you arrange things, it will hurt them. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm just trying to be honest with you.

I just told this to someone else -
The road you walk down will always have 2 paths. One may be blocked, run down, and nearly impassible, but it is still there. It might even be hidden so you have to work to find it. You may have to fight harder to walk down it, to even get on it. I can't tell you what that road is, only that it exists. You have to uncover and discover it. But the rewards will surely outweigh the struggle in the end. In the end. You can't assume you know what awaits you at the end of that road, because you don't, I don't, no one knows. Just because the other path is looks nice, clean, and easier doesn't mean it is better.
A lot of times death will look like that nice, easy road. But the end, our death, is just that, an end. There is nothing awaiting us, we will have no more chances to feel good again.

Please just consider this. I know things are tough, but so are you. I have faith in you. I, and everyone else on this site are here to offer you support. If you feel like talking, feel free to pm me :hug: