Waiting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Spacer, Feb 10, 2013.

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  1. Spacer

    Spacer Active Member

    Hi everyone, i'm new. Thought I would come here and express how i'm feeling. I'll get to the point though, skip all the BS.

    I just moved to another state for a new job six months ago, leaving my husband behind who was going to follow me when our house was sole/rented. I decompensated at work and was let go last Friday. Due to the decompensation my husband and I drifted apart and now he say's he's happier without me and he's going to stay there. So I have no job, no friends, no family, no husband, no house, as well as other personal stuff that happened. Anyway, thats the basics, along with just finding out I have dissociative disorder NOS r/o PTSD. My Grandma is 86 and we skype every weekend. She lost one of her sons about 7 years ago and since then she hasn't been the same. She looks forward to talking with me on the weekends and I would do anything to lessen the pain for her in her own life.

    I have felt suicidal on and off for ever. But it's different now. I'm ready. I don't feel anything...I'm not angry, or depressed, or sad about it. I'm ready and I'm just waiting. I have to wait for my Gran to pass first so she doesn't suffer with me not being here. This world has become an empty and pointless place for me and I think I was destined to go out this way. I don't have kids when most people have families by now. I act like a kid and I should be a women, I never grew up. I'm an empty child in a maturing world, with no one to understand or to help me navigate. It's just not the place for me and I'm really okay with that. I sound depressing, sorry about that. I'm actually not depressed...just telling it how it is.

    Thanks for listening
    Spacer
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Spacer your grandmother sounds like she is a fighter hun 86 wow You say you are not depressed hun i beg to differ you want to die that is depression you don't want to live
    Have you told anyone how you feel h un your doctor family therapist someone. Youcan get out of the numb state you are in with help hun support you can want to live again
     
  3. Spacer

    Spacer Active Member

    Hi Total Eclipse,

    Thanks for responding. Yeah my Gran is a fighter, awesome she is.

    Regarding the depression, I'm really not depressed. Due to the nature of my mind (illness) I don't feel anything, I'm supposed to feel nothing, protecting the rest of me from all the unbearable emotions that I don't know how to deal with. It's complicated. I saw a therapist for a couple of sessions recently, but I lost my job and now have no insurance. It doesn't matter anyway, I would need therapy for way too long and well, you know.

    Thanks for listening and responding.

    Spacer
     
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