Waiting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, Aug 4, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I am sitting here waiting…
    Waiting for a reason. A purpose. A direction.
    I have sat here like this for many years and have found none.
    Life has decreed I am to be without purpose and all those things everyone has.
    Anything good or worthwhile is replaced with emptiness and tedium.

    Life has given me isolation, despair, pain and tears.
    A veil of darkness forever keeping me from everything and everyone.
    A weight bearing down on me, getting heavier every day, every year.
    I can feel myself breaking under the sheer stress and pressure.
    Soon, I can take no more.

    I want to leave this prison made of impenetrable iron bars of the mind,
    Harder than the strongest steel, yet without substance or mass.
    I want to leave this life made of despair and isolation.
    The pain is becoming too much to bear.

    I have been to others, those who claim they wish to help,
    I have lifted the veil and allowed them to see the person inside,
    A shield harder than steel, leaving me exposed and open.
    They have seen me, cowering in the corner, in a pit of blackness crying in pain
    And they have turned away, uninterested, because my life means nothing to anyone.
    Not even to those who claim to help.
    Not even worth bothering, not even worth saving.

    Soon, I will be gone.
    I will leave this world with its anger and hate
    Its isolation. Its loneliness.
    I can no longer carry the punishing weight, I can no longer live in the endless darkness.
    I have spent years searching for the light,
    Of hope, of purpose......
    ..of happiness.
    I know now all these things will never come to me,
    And I can’t find it in me to look anymore.

    Now, there is nothing left.

     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. Your writing is so powerful it almost left me speechless.

    I'm sorry people turned their backs on you when you needed them most. I know that makes you never want to trust again. But I hope you do; I hope you find the courage to let someone in so that you don't have to go through this alone.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Graham reading your post gave me the opportunity to see under that veil while you allowed it to be held back for a few moments. Hun you are not alone. You have friends and members here that know and understand unfortunately all too well the Hell you are in.
    If you look really hard you'll see us through the dark sitting in that same corner. Us needing you as much as you need us. So please Graham, reach out and lets atleast be together in this darkness. Dont try to find all those things alone. Maybe together we can help one another find the things in live that we desperately need. Please pm if you want to talk hun.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What a gift you have your words say what so many of us feel. What struck me the most was when you said how you lifted the veil to let others see and how they walked away no help. I felt this pain in me because i know how it feels when people say they care reach out then take a fist and knock you down when your most vulnerable. Those people are not human they are pure evil they are. I know the people here care they do and no one here would ever give up on you. Trust the people here to help you don't give up on them because i know they care about you and want to help.
     
  5. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: xx
     
  6. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I want to thank everyone for thier comments, I take a little comfort knowing I am not alone and others have thier "pits" and "veils" as I do.

    What I am writing is just a form of expression, as this forum is the only outlet I have for it all. As you can guess, I am in a very, very bad place right now, fuelled by a visit to my apathetic doctor who was very quick to write a perscription for yet more pills and very slow and disinterested to what I had to say and how I was feeling.

    I would like to take some time out of my life and to try to put some sense or logic to my dilemma, even some sense of rationality to everything, but it seems that is not going to happen for me. Every every facet of my life such as work, home, social, whatever, is deteriorating badly and its taking me with it. I have no control or say in these matters, other people are forcing things onto me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
     
  7. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Sad Rabbit,

    That was a very beautiful piece of writing.

    You may feel there is nothing left and that's what I like about your piece. It's so honest. However, I feel you are something. Anybody who can demonstrate so much passion in what they have written is someone in my eyes who is extremely special. People like yourself show they really know how to love other people and that's what the world needs.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  8. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thanks Polar.

    I seems my woes forever mulitply and increase. Now it appears my issues have spilled over into this forum. It appears my presence is unwanted in some areas of SF, by some people who once said they were here to support me if they could.

    Which just goes to show....

    So I guess I will have to go away and think about what next, havng my only avenue of expression shut off and my notions that people don't really care reinforced to a large degree.

    And I thought this was a support forum...
     
  9. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    It's not shut off hun. There are people here who do still want to help you, who are still here to listen to you.

    I'm here if you want me :hug:

    And yeh, that is a truley beautiful piece of writing, really.
     
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Graham there is no reason for you to leave. Some not all memebers hun. You have this venue and I hope you continue to use it so those that do and can help you are able to. Nothing in this world is perfect even SF. But it is the best thing that many of us have going when our own corner of the world is falling apart. So please dont put much weight in the words of a few who may not be too supportive right now. Read the replies to your thread hun. You have good members there that are concerned and truly want to help if they can. Please grab one of those hands and hold on as long as you need to.
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't leave. I don't know what happened, but I do know there are people here who care and who want to help you. I'm always here if you want to talk.
     
  12. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Graham,

    Please take care of yourself.

    If anybody is causing you difficulties, I know what it's like. I get bullied on a daily basis at work and it's not easy.

    People are here for you though so don't feel alone. Please keep writing to us because your writing is so inspiring and your a great guy to have around.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  13. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    A void of darkness, impenetrable blackness of the mind.
    A prison cell with walls of isolation, sickness and despair
    A dark well of tears filled with years of pain, forever deepening
    with the passing years.

    This is a place built not by myself, but those who have turned from me
    Those who have left me. Those who have taken from me
    Those who betrayed me.

    So I have been left to swim in this darkness of perpetual night.
    Dragged down by a veil to keep those from seeing the pain inside.
    A weight bearing down on me, dragging me down to immeasurable depths.
    Soon, this darkness will envelop me and I shall vanish into this sea of tears.
    Gone, without memory or thought to those who built this place
    And allowed me to fill it with pain and tears.


    Now there is a change.
    In the roiling clouds of anger, across the sea of tears,
    An echo of distant voices.
    A glimmer of light in the vista of despair.
    Voices speaking of kindness and hope
    That not all are cruel and uncaring
    Perhaps is possible there may be land in this sea of pain
    A place of light and hope where life may begin and grow again

    I hear the voices and the fears of others
    But the light is dim and the echoes are far away
    The Sea of Despair is all around and this veil of darkness still covers me
    But I can see a point of light far away.

    Maybe this is a time of change
    Maybe this is the start of something
    Maybe this is the beginning of a journey to far and distant lands
    Maybe this is the start of hope, of life and dreams
    Maybe.


    Thanks to all who have offered their support to me. I am now taking my meds as a result of the kind words expressed to me here.
     
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you're taking your meds. :) You don't have to go through this alone. I know there are people who have turned away from you, but there are also people who will be here to support you, as long as you keep fighting and don't let go.
     
  15. iKayla

    iKayla Chat Buddy

    thats really good. :]:Leiaha:
     
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