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waiting

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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
was actually feeling pretty good for the last couple of weeks - at least not feeling miserable

now everything feels wrong - no obvious reason for it

sadness hits out of nowhere with the strength of a freight train, then despair

think my feeling good was the illusion, and a cruel one at that because the contrast is now so strong it hurts worse now that things are back to...normal?

what is normal? realizing that my daughters are going back to school and spent more time this summer with their grandmother than with me? knowing that my usefullness as a parent, as a person is almost gone

what good am i? should be working instead of typing this, but can't focus my thoughts for that - employee fail

should already have the girls's tuition set aside for the year when i'm still scambling to cover the first semester - father fail

spending more time with my cats than my wife - husband fail

can rarely stay awake an entire evening, end up napping sitting up on the couch - stamina fail

no friends i can look in the eye and talk to - personal fail

don't bother dreaming or planning any more - hurts too much because all it does is make god laugh

trying to hang on for another 2 years - both girls out of school ready to start life on their own - waiting for then to die
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
DEPRESSION SUCKS your girls doesn't matter what age will always depend on their dad they will want you there when they marry when they have children i do hope this downward spiral ends soon hun and you can get your self back up again hugs
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#6
Can't reach through to the people I care about - can't stop trying no matter how often I fail

Feel so useless - don't want to be here - don't want this life

On my way to work right now - 2 hour trip - no one to talk to - too much time to think, to be alone
 

Speedy

Staff Alumni
#7
I can relate somewhat. I'm finding that I have way too much time to think and be alone when I'm not on the computer or in class. I can only imagine how draining your 2 hour trip must be. I also feel today like I have nothing to offer but care and love... like I have no talents... I'm afraid to say I'm ashamed to be who I am today. Big hugs to you :hug:

Take good care and stay safe. :grouphug:
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#9
too defective to be fixed

managed to avoid crying for awhile but now i'm down to paper towel at my desk because it's all i have left

wish i could stop feeling, stop caring - i'd still be useless but i wouldn't be able to feel the pain of it - only know of one way to turn it all off and it's tempting, so damn tempting

wouldn't take much, a quick purchase, a peaceful spot and all the pain will be gone and i'll fade away from everyone's memories in no time

finding it harder and harder to even talk about it at all - been longer and longer between posts - hurts now more than ever just writing this down

have spiral notebookspages filled with the sames phrases, written so small so i can repeat them as often as possible on a single sheet - i am worthless - i am a waste of life - i am alone - need to do this to remind myself of the truth any relief is temporary and illusory

not even sure where i'm going with this - can't focus right - head keeps jumping from thought to thought and none of them good

sorry - i'll shut up now
 

Speedy

Staff Alumni
#10
That you are being open about what's going on to us is not something to be sorry about. Hope you have a pleasant day at work. :grouphug: With much care.. Mr. A
 
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