waiting

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Wastingecho, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    was actually feeling pretty good for the last couple of weeks - at least not feeling miserable

    now everything feels wrong - no obvious reason for it

    sadness hits out of nowhere with the strength of a freight train, then despair

    think my feeling good was the illusion, and a cruel one at that because the contrast is now so strong it hurts worse now that things are back to...normal?

    what is normal? realizing that my daughters are going back to school and spent more time this summer with their grandmother than with me? knowing that my usefullness as a parent, as a person is almost gone

    what good am i? should be working instead of typing this, but can't focus my thoughts for that - employee fail

    should already have the girls's tuition set aside for the year when i'm still scambling to cover the first semester - father fail

    spending more time with my cats than my wife - husband fail

    can rarely stay awake an entire evening, end up napping sitting up on the couch - stamina fail

    no friends i can look in the eye and talk to - personal fail

    don't bother dreaming or planning any more - hurts too much because all it does is make god laugh

    trying to hang on for another 2 years - both girls out of school ready to start life on their own - waiting for then to die
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    DEPRESSION SUCKS your girls doesn't matter what age will always depend on their dad they will want you there when they marry when they have children i do hope this downward spiral ends soon hun and you can get your self back up again hugs
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Depending on me would be their mistake - I can spare them that much - wouldn't be any good as a grandfather anyway
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    In your mind only not in their mind In their mind you are so special and much needed
     
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not needed

    I'm all wrung out - nothing left
     
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't reach through to the people I care about - can't stop trying no matter how often I fail

    Feel so useless - don't want to be here - don't want this life

    On my way to work right now - 2 hour trip - no one to talk to - too much time to think, to be alone
     
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I can relate somewhat. I'm finding that I have way too much time to think and be alone when I'm not on the computer or in class. I can only imagine how draining your 2 hour trip must be. I also feel today like I have nothing to offer but care and love... like I have no talents... I'm afraid to say I'm ashamed to be who I am today. Big hugs to you :hug:

    Take good care and stay safe. :grouphug:
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You are so hard on yourself echo..
    I wish I could fix your pain *hug*
     
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    too defective to be fixed

    managed to avoid crying for awhile but now i'm down to paper towel at my desk because it's all i have left

    wish i could stop feeling, stop caring - i'd still be useless but i wouldn't be able to feel the pain of it - only know of one way to turn it all off and it's tempting, so damn tempting

    wouldn't take much, a quick purchase, a peaceful spot and all the pain will be gone and i'll fade away from everyone's memories in no time

    finding it harder and harder to even talk about it at all - been longer and longer between posts - hurts now more than ever just writing this down

    have spiral notebookspages filled with the sames phrases, written so small so i can repeat them as often as possible on a single sheet - i am worthless - i am a waste of life - i am alone - need to do this to remind myself of the truth any relief is temporary and illusory

    not even sure where i'm going with this - can't focus right - head keeps jumping from thought to thought and none of them good

    sorry - i'll shut up now
     
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    That you are being open about what's going on to us is not something to be sorry about. Hope you have a pleasant day at work. :grouphug: With much care.. Mr. A
     
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