Waking Dreams/ Living Nightmare

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by True-Lee, Oct 18, 2014.

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  1. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    As my depression seems to deepen, I find myself waking up more at night or early in the morning some nights I get 6 hrs of sleep but most average about 4, sometimes I will fall asleep while listening to the radio, I no longer seem to be able to read for any length of time. I doze off or just lose concentration. I was watching videos but no longer can travel to get them anymore it's 30 miles round trip to get to the store and without a vehicle right now that's not going to happen. I haven't thought about or put to much importance on my dreams. It wasn't until I was going through "The Dreamers Journey" that I put the importance of dreams on my mental health This morning I was reading about other peoples dreams and suddenly started tearing up and Crying, as usual I got up and went outside walked a little ways and almost collapsed in tears. So much sorrow, so much hurt, so much pain, the losses, the futility of going on. I don't have any pleasant dreams anymore, I so use to look forward to fall or really any one of the seasons, no more. The rain or sunshine it doesn't matter anymore. I no longer care much about eating, or what I eat. Just as long as my stomach isn't aching, I don't think about it...... It would be like putting gas into a car that isn't going anyplace.. I'm sure I will write some more later.....enough for now
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Well, weather is on the 3rd day of rain, I use to find it comforting & relaxing, I use to sit by the fire and read, I use to be able to put up my feet and feel at peace. A quiet time for reflection. I don't feel any peace, I can't sit long enough to read. No more reflection, just images that leave me feeling so lonely, so empty. It's like a vacuum has sucked the life out of me leaving me like an empty husk. oh to have that time when I lay down and not have to ever get up again.
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I have started with headaches again, I used to get cluster Migraines a lot. I had slowed my life down and saw a therapist for over 6 years, this was over 25 years ago. I still had them once in a while but not like I get them now, it is almost every day, some days I wake up with them some they start after I eat breakfast. I generally get them before lunch if I am going to have one.

    I woke up twice last night, first time was a little after 1 am (bed time was about midnight) and then got up about 4:30 am and have stayed up. I do feel the effect on me but there is little I can do to change. I have to take 2 of my cats to the Vet. They are not looking good, they are my older cats. a mother and her baby, both almost 18 yrs old. I haven't taken them to the Vet for over two years and they can't wait any longer, I have been putting it off to long.

    I feel so hopeless and helpless.....I am worrying about my cats... then I think about all the problems people are going through in here and my problems feel so insignificant. The issues so many have with their health, The cancer, the deaths of loved ones they deal with the financial problems the loss of virtually everything they hold dear. It is no wonder I have nightmares, my family has commented about this, my sense of values, hell I have questioned this but I will not change. I don't know where I am going anymore. I don't know even why I am still going on anymore.

    I am thinking about leaving this Forum, I do feel drained some days because or how I deal with some of the issues I see the other people are dealing with. I have cut down on the time I am spending in here, I have also cut down on my responses to other people in here, I seem to have to, because of the dreams/nightmares afterwards. I try to sleep during the day but I have found that I wake up feeling worse because of nightmares so I have stopped trying.

    I sit here and re-read this and most times I would delete this, my poor me attitude, my whining, feeling sorry for myself but not this time. I have to have it here to read later, something to beat myself up over. I am so Pathetic.........
     
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    True-Lee, you are not pathetic. Far from it. You are a kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, sensitive soul. Perhaps too sensitive, seeing how deeply moved you are by the misfortunes that so many people on this site are dealing with. I think you minimize your own losses and sorrows in the process of recognizing everyone elses. I truly like and care about you. If you feel you need to leave the site for a while, I will understand, but I will also miss you. You are a person that I would be willing to share my email address with, if you would like it. There would be no obligation, no commitment, you would just have it. Let me know.

    Have you considered the possibility that your isolation is contributing to your depression. I know it contributes to mine. Of course, I also know it is hard to get out when you are low. Especially when the truck needs repair. But maybe more human contact would help.

    I too, go to bed with the radio on. Fall asleep with it on. Wake with it on. Rarely remember what I listened to. I have experienced cluster headaches. It got so I hated going to bed because I knew I would wake up with one. They are agonizing. I hope yours vanish soon. No one deserves such pain, either physical or emotional. I don't know how you feel about meds, or if you take any. I have never had success with them, but that is me. They might be a great help for you.

    Good luck with your cats and the vet trip. I don't imagine they enjoy it very much. I hope all is well with them.

    Regarding dreams. I seldom remember mine. Even if I wake up determined to remember them, I forget. And I don't want to write them down. I don't think I really want to remember them.

    Please take care of yourself.
     
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