Waking Up Everyday to Find Nothing

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by jackanator, Aug 19, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. jackanator

    jackanator Member

    I've Been like this for four years. Because when I was younger I was blind to the truth. The truth that nothing really matters. That everyone's and my life are just a lie. What can anyone possible expect to find in their life? I've seen it all... Girlfriend, travel, sports, movies, games. Everything that is 'supposed' to entertain the human mind. But, still the thought of suicide always crosses my mind everyday no matter what. I just don't understand how people can take joy in life. I always act like it, to be socially acceptable but I never do feel anything. The only real things I do feel are drugs and alcohol, oh, and cigarettes. But, the only reason I started smoking is because the thought of getting ever so closer to death in a way, relieves me. I'm just so sick of everything, I'm not even having a hard life, just a very boring monotone one. I always get depressed when I think about how little life has to offer. I'd rather just off myself and rest forever. Ya sure, suicide is a selfish thing but still, it's my parents own fault for bringing me into this world where I had no choice whether I wanted to be born or not.
  2. twigs

    twigs New Member

    i kind of feel like that sometimes
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    time to make life into something time to put yourself out there for others that will bring meaning to living. Do some volunteer work with animals children Get into the arts music sports Only you can make meaning ot living so get out there and do it.
  4. jackanator

    jackanator Member

    You know, I have done some volunteer work, and I've been trying to keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, when all of the work is done, I still feel empty. It turns out that the only useful thing I can do is make everyone's fake life just a little better, but I can't do that for the rest of my life, I'm just so sick of how everyone gets you thinking about the future, the only thing I want is to just rest. And by that I mean 'off myself', I see no point in continuing on with my life because I know I'm never going to do anything useful with it. Honestly, I'd would gladly give my life to someone who could cherish it, but obviously that doesn't work. I know everyone says I'm just talking and not taking any action, but I will do it when I am triggered, by that I mean something that would cause severe emotional distress so people could see I had an apparent reason to just fucking end it.
  5. k_pressy

    k_pressy Well-Known Member

    Oh. My. God.
    I honestly didn't think that anybody else thought the same as this. Every time i've said to anyone about it all I get are weird looks.

    "I just don't understand how people can take joy in life. I always act like it, to be socially acceptable but I never do feel anything." .....thats so true.

    Its like, we didn't ask to be put here and tolerate all the crap that Earth has to offer for about 80 odd years until our bodies decide to give out on us because we're 'too old'. We never got to make that choice. But we were forced here and we're forced to conform with everyone's standard of normal, and the minute you step out of that and think 'but hang on a second....what exactly is all this for? Is it even worth it? Why am I bothering to be here?' you get funny looks and people think you're mentally ill.

    Everyone else seems to live in a blissful unawareness of what life really is. Which results in the few of us that look outside of the box to be branded unstable. Depressed.

    Do you ever wonder what the world would actually be like if you had never been born?

    Thank you so much for your post. You've made me realise i'm not the only one to feel like this.
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    There is an important reason you are alive. Life is only meaningless when you do not take them time to search out it's meaning, and put in effort of giving it meaning. There are far healthier and joyful things you can do with your time and body to feel things. Love is free, and is worth fighting for, living so you can experience it is worth the struggles as well. Hang in there. Blessings.. :hug:
  7. CalifradMT

    CalifradMT Member

    Hi Jackanator,

    I want to tell you that I think this feeling of despair/emptiness is something that should send you toward something else - like a hot flame, you should pull back and move toward whatever you may find that absorbs your attention, that which makes time fly for you, that when you start doing it, you lose track of time.

    I believe this moments of complete loss of interest in life is what develops our character - this is the ~work~ that life takes in order to become the person whom you are.

    The work being - feeling this unbelievably unbearable sense of having nothing that means anything, that there is nothing that means enough to make you excited about your day. The easy way, taking part in drug use/escapist sex/escapist thrill seeking only delays this work. I honestly believe that if you allow yourself to feel this way, there is a pay off. It is just a matter of time and you must be patient with yourself, gentle with yourself.

    Read, garden, go for a drive, cook a nice meal, a great wine, see the ocean or a large body of water, get a pet if you like them, talk to people beside you wherever you are, ask them how they are. Search internet for whatever your passion is on, become involved in political/world discussions in forums, be proud of who you are and how you present yourself to the world.

    I want you to know that both my father and brother took their lives. We were a family of 4. I believe that I know how you feel and how much it hurts as when a parent commits suicide, it suddenly becomes a solution to a child of theirs. Funny, even in childhood, before my father and brother took their lives, I attempted twice - more to get some help - as a scream for help (no one noticed). Since then, I have molded myself a small world that I hang on to with all of my might. And I hope you do too.

    I understand how you feel.
  8. alexloramer

    alexloramer Member

    Yeah I've definitely been there and still have residual effects. However, I now feel there is a ton to live for. And maybe you're right, I'm now blinded like the rest of 'em but I feel strong certainty that I am now in the light. You must build spirituality IMO.
  9. jackanator

    jackanator Member

    You know, i guess you guys are right, that sometimes things will get better, that people will finally find the light. That isn't the case for me. I've been like this long enough that I've come to realize that life is brutal. Life is bullshit. Life is full of disappointments. People think that feeling a good feeling is a reason to live, but you know, once that good feeling is gone, it comes right back to stab you right in the fucking neck. That's what I am sick of, losing shit. Everyone loses things eventually. All we have is our bodies, and everyone tries so desperately to keep them living as long as possible. But you know, I've come to realize that my body is going to give up eventually, so I'm going to put it out of it's misery, I'm going to relinquish it's struggle, I'm going to just let it fucking die.

    I know you guys may think I'm going through a hard time, but I am not.
    I'm just going through a time in my life where i realize that nothing is worth anything, it is just what our minds make us think that things matter to some value.

    I think that humans in general, are a disease. We kill animals, we kill the planet, we kill everything, christ, we even kill each other and ourselves.
    I know, that this may sound insane to some extent, but the thought has crossed my mind, that everyone should just fucking kill themselves to save everything. To save animals, to save the planet, to save everything, even ourselves from a life full of physical pain, and disappointments.

    Rant all you want guys, nothing will change my philosophy. That human life is nothing but worthless and an organic mutation.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.