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waking up in icu...again

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by fifa, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. fifa

    fifa Member

    A few days ago I found myself in a bed with a tube in my nose, and IVs in my arms, naked underneath plain white sheets and smelling of sweat. My throat was burning and I craved water more than anything. Once I realized where I was, I pressed the button that gets attention. I was refused water after pleading with the nurse in broken Czech. As it turned out I found myself in the hospital at the which I was born. A rebirth I guess.

    After a few phases of painful sleeping/waking, the pain in my nose became unbearable so I tugged on the tube. It seemed to give a little so I tugged some more and it started to come out. I keeped on tugging away despite the pain and was ever more and more surprised at the length of the beast that was inside me. When it finally was all the way out, I saw before me about three feet of black, narrow tubing. I was horrified by the length but even more horrified by the idea of it and worried that someone may be uspet that I had done so myself and want to shove that thing right back down my throat. It turns out they didn't and later let me have my precious water.

    I knew why I was there and was very disappointed. I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to have been fading away in the deep comfort of sleep. Turns out the water I drank to down the pills caused the need to urinate and not wanting to be found reeking of urine, I attempted to make it to toliet. I must have caused quite a ruckus, at least enough to wake up a family member who immedately woke up another family member who had a method of transport at hand.

    All I remember from the point at which I goobled up at least <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> to the point where I felt the arid pain in my throat was hearing "Ne spi!" (in Czech means "don't sleep") over and over. I was told that I resisited going to the hospital and insisted that we could still make my brother's wedding that was to be later that day. I was refused that as well. I missed my brother's wedding.

    This is the second attempt at death in less than a month and a half. The first attempt involved a lovely <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> woke me up enough to call a friend. I didn't want to die alone. He didn't want me to die at all. I didn't die.

    I want to die. That makes me sick. A healthy person does not want to die. I don't care about being healthy. Now I'm back (prematurely) in the states and waiting for some one to cart me off to the looney bin.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2009
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm so sorr for your suffering. There are many caring and intelligent people here who can support you. It seems that your brother's wedding may have been a trigger for you. Were you in therapy before?

    What's been going on in your life that you feel that the only way out is to od on meds.?
  3. fifa

    fifa Member

    Thanks for replying. I do have a pretty good suport system. I have plently of people I can talk to about my illness. I also have a therapist and psychiatrist.

    You're probably right, my brother's wedding may have been a trigger. Maybe I was envious of his happiness. I'm not really sure.

    I also am a chronic insomniac (I regularly go through days without sleeping at all). I hadn't slept for a long time before that (maybe 2 or three days).

    I have perpetual anxiety. There are always many layers of stress surrounding my mental state. I am constantly anxious about everything all the time. It could be something that had happened, is happening, may happen, could have happened, may not have happened, could not have happened... (you get the point)

    There is also a deep underlying depression. I was physically and mentally abused as a child and it seems to have stuck with me. I can never be comfortable in any situation. Due to this continual discomfort I am unhappy and because it seems to be so constant, I want it to end one way or another. I hope that through therapy of all sorts it can end on a positive note.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm glad you're still with us fifa! Don't give up!
  5. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    WOW Fifa, I know what you mean. I too was physically/emotionally/mentally abused as a kid. Got OCD, panic attacks, general anxiety and abandonment issues from when I was 11 years old. Self harming until (well now and still going sadly). Have had so many failed relationships, still having failed ones now, no friends, and my bro is getting married in a couple weeks in Cuba. I tried to commit suicide almost a month ago now? And I was in the hospital out of it with an IV and charcoal. I have half-attempted it a couple more times and keep planning. My parents are dragging me to Cuba because they are scared of leaving me alone but I don;t want to go.

    I feel your pain (or at least a HELL OF A LOT!) and I too just want a happy ending I guess. But there is still this pull to death over the happy ending.

    What kind of therapy are you getting? I am trying a book called, "mind over mood" which is a Cognitive behavioural therapy book. CBT is supposed to be amazing for depression and I have tried it with some of my specific phobias and it has worked.

    I am hoping and praying you stay alive and well and get through this. Let's do it together!? :) *hugs*
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope both of you can get the help and therapy to undue the pain caused to you. I am now in therapy myself trying to undue such pain and it does help. I am able to see it was not my fault and able to work with my therapist on coping skills to decrease all that anxiety and fear Stick with the therapy and you will see it will help give it time okay.
  7. fifa

    fifa Member

    The therapy I'm getting is some sort of CBT but it's not entirely focused on it. I actually like my therapist. She forces me to deal with emotions I fight to keep inside. My psychiatrist howerever is the type to prescribe me anything I want as long as I know my symptoms well. I had a full medicine cabinet thanks to her. Then again, I work in a pharmacy so I have access to meds anytime I want, so I really have only myself to blame and I don't really blame myself either.
    To Nyx:
    Yeah, you really would understand how I feel. Sounds like you have a similar story to mine. The pull towards death is a really strong one and if those around me weren't so worried and didn't control my medication, I'd have probably succeeded by now (haven't been to work since I got back from the hospital). I still would rather have the happier end. Yes, we can (Obama for you) get through this together. If it helps any, I can be a very good friend if you needed someone to talk to.
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