Wana end it, but im scared.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TeddyZ, Oct 21, 2013.

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  1. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    The one thing i really wana do thats remotely achievable for me, i cant even do because im a pussy. I dont see things getting any better ever so im seeing only one option but since ive been molded into such a wuss over these 21 years i cant even do it. Everyday gets worse and worse and i wonder when the end will be.

    I just feel empty. No happiness no love no nothin. The only time i feel a little bit of happiness is when i do drugs. Nothing hard mainly weed and alcohol and occasionally some pain killers ive been getting into em more recently.

    I hate my job. My love life is non existent. I struggle everyday with my huge addiction problem. Im pretty addicted to weed alcohol and gambling and i dont see those addictions getting any better. My friends are the best realonships i have but those are slowly drifting away, the more i notice the worse it gets. I have an okay realonship with my parents but not on a very deep level.

    I honestly dont think id be missed. My friends would be sad at first same with my parents but id give it a year or two before its no big deal and im practically erased from their memories.

    Im new to the forum so i dont know all the rules but it seems like methods of suicide are forbidden but i think id do it with a combination of things from my second paragraph. The only problem is im a huge pussy. I think if i wasnt such a pussy i would of done it by now, years ago maybe.

    Ive thought about just taking a grey hound bus to southern california and just living as a homeless person. Not my most ideal life but i think i may find some joy. Or maybe ill just wander around out there for a few months until the deed is finally done.

    Sorry for the long post, i didnt mean to waste so much of your time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you do not have to be sorry and you are not wasting anyones time It is hard when you are using drugs to get by they may feel good for awhile but you crash even deeper after the effects wear off. You can get on a better path but you need to get in and get treatment for your addictions with them out of the way you will be able to get treatement to deal with your depression one step at a time

    I don't know why people think we get over a suicide of a loved one the fact is we never never get over it the pain is still very real and raw and the sadness never leaves us just so you know Keep talking to us ok stay here awhile meet up with new friends ones that understand and won't judge you
  3. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Itd be hard for me to put drugs down they fill a big void in my life. Ive always saw people reply to suicidal people saying they shouldnt do it because of the effects itll have on friends family etc. but honestly i think my friends/family would be okay. I only have 2 maybe 3 people i consider an actual real friend and as far as family goes i really only socialize with my mom and dad. I think all of them would be not nessasairly "ok" with this outcome but it wouldnt affect them to drastically. I dont do one thing that benifits them at all but i also wouldnt consider myself a burden (except for on my parents somewhat).
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know it is very hard very very hard to kick an addiction but in the end you will have your freedom back and the drugs won't have control anymore It is your depression telling you that others would be ok with you gone that is a pure depressive thought for sure. Truth is they will miss you and blame themselves for not helping you enough and your friends will also blame themselves and the cycle of depression will just keep going You can get support do it for YOU ok for YOU
  5. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Im almost scared to quit drugs. I feel theyre the only thing keeping me from going over the edge. For instance i woke up today and almost from the second i woke up i had some pretty bad thoughts. After a few hours of this i smoked a joint and forgot all about it. I cant imagine going a day a week a month years thinking that way.

    Everyone always says that the people that will be most affected by this is friends/family but without knowing me my situation my friends family how could you really know. Dont get me wrong, like i said, i think theyd be sad wish they coulda did more for me but that makes me think that before its over i just need to let them know that there really is nothing them nor anyone else can do for me.

    I do think my friends/family would be sad but as time went on theyd be okay. Continue their normal happy lives as i slowly drift out of their memories. (Not that im sad (or surprised) about that. I never affected their lives that much nor have i benefited them.)
  6. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Should this be in the suicide thread? Whoops..
  7. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Suicide section*
  8. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hello, TeddyZ, sorry for late reply. Well, I'm absolutely agree with total eclipse. A death of family member is not something you can get over. No matter what. Your mind is telling you otherwise, but trust me, your family will hate themself, blaming themself, because they weren't able to help you. You said " ive been molded into such a wuss over these 21 years" so, I assume you are more than 21 years old. The 21 years long time you and your mom, and dad spent together, it is a very long time, it won't go away, not even in a year, two years, never will it go away from people who love you. The memory about you, the love they have, will be crushed the instant you do it. They won't get over it. Say, if you have a daughter, and she did that to you, will you get over it? If you're not someone who want a kid, maybe if you have someone precious, and you love him/her so much, and they did that, will you be able to move on? You won't. And 21 years of those memories is impossible to forget. Please, take care of yourself. Suicide is easy way, indeed it takes bravery, but to live is the true strength. Drugs will help you, indeed, but the after effect will make your depression worse. It acts as depressant. So, if possible, try to take it less, less and then stop taking it. Try to go a phys, they will help you. That's all, I hope you get better TeddyZ.

  9. amybear

    amybear New Member

    I feel the same way you do. I love my friends and family, but I just think in the end, they wouldn't miss me that much after a while. They'd more be sad over the idea of me being gone than me actually being gone. I try so hard but no one is willing to try that hard back for me. I wish so many times that I'd had the courage to kill myself years ago, but I'm scared of the pain or it going wrong. Then I hate myself even more for being so scared of everything.
  10. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    It sucks i cant talk to anyone about this. I feel like it just keeps building up n up. I wont talk to anybody about this tho out of fear of judgement i just wont do it.

    On another note, i think i realized what would push me over the edge. As much as i hate my job i think if i lost it thatd be the tipping point. The only thing i enjoy in life are my addictions and thats the only reason i continue to work, as bad as that sounds.
  11. aqua

    aqua Banned Member

    I know what you mean when you say the only thing that keeps you working are your addictions, sometimes my addictions are what keep me here, i am afraid too end it in a
    way, i hate my job sometimes i just cry and i dread going in to work. maybe you can call NAMI or try to find someone that you can talk to irl, so it wont be building up inside of you and you react. or just keep posting here. I hope things get better for you
  12. Jdoran_16

    Jdoran_16 New Member

    I feel like this was posted by me because this is the exact situation I'm in. <mod edit - guidelines> try and remove gambling and alcohol. My parents recently caught me smoking so they took away the only happiness I have and it's just barely possible to go on anymore
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2013
  13. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    <mod edit - guidelines>

    I went out of town to party and stay with a few friends this weekend and id say for the first time in about a month i didnt have a single suicidal thought for i think 2 maybe 3 days straight... Less than 24 hours of being home and im already having reoccuring thoughts. Tight.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2013
  14. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    As days drag on i keep coming up with more reasons why this would be a good decision for me. Theres obviously something holding me back what it is i have no idea. I do think the more time i sit and dwell on this the more good reasons for doing it im going to come up with.

    I do believe i could probably turn my life around but i completely lack motivation to do it and sadly im starting to not care that im giving up.

    Im not sure whats going to push me over the edge. Not even sure if somethig will. I feel like im ready to do it now multiple ways but why im not going thru with it i have no idea. I just feel like i want to do it so badly but i have no idea why i cant/wont.

    I just dont think my life can get any better. As sad as it is im giving up slowly but surely. I just dont want to have to struggle through each and everyday and theres only one way to not do that.
  15. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I know how you feel about addictions keeping you alive...it seems like the only time I can be happy and relaxed is when I'm drunk or high. I wish there was some way I could feel happiness without that. I can't even think of a reason why I'm still here. I hope that you stay here and talk to us and don't go through with your plans.
  16. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    @witty - im glad im atleast not alone on this one. i really do think that my addictions are keeping me alive. Without those i dont think id have anything as sad as that sounds. Weed and alcohol deffinently help level out my mood. Weed more than anything, its probably my favorite thing i have. I dont plan on going thru with it if anything itd be unexpected, somethin just pushing me over the edge. Thanks for showing some interest.
  17. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is really unsurprising you feel this way. You have an addiction - one that makes you unable to see beauty or joy in anything else in life - that is the nature of addictions. You can easily tell when it has progressed past any healthy point when you begin to feel like it is needed to make other things better as opposed to something as an activity unto itself. You may well believe it is the only thing keeping you going but in reality it is what is preventing you from enjoying anything else in the world.
  18. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Still waiting for somethin to push me all the way over the edge. I feel like im ready now but still somethings holdin me back wish i knew what it was.

    Lets say i was to live till 70. Idk if i could handle this for another year let alone another 50. I know people probably think im a piece of shit if i dont wana have a shitty life its all up to me to change it. I jus have no desire to like idc any more rather take the easy way out. Always have might as well not stop now.
  19. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Can you talk about suicide methods on here or is it not allowed?
  20. TeddyZ

    TeddyZ Member

    Idk why i even bother here anymore not like you guys really care that much you dont even know me not to mention you wouldnt even notice if i was gone. Like everyone else.
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