Not sure what this is going to become. My writings usually seem to wander as do my thoughts. In any case, these are definitely thoughts that I want out of my head. I've had friends in the past, however they deserted me, telling me that I had no right to use them as emotional dams. I knew that I would have to lose my friends before the time came, but I didn't want that to happen because then I would know that the time is near. My family has a trip planned for the fall. I'm supposed to be going with them, but I feel that my death will come before then. I had actually planned to leave this world a few days ago. But I put it off because I still have work to do. People blame me for the way that I am. I did not molest me when I was a kid. I did not want myself to be this ugly. I didn't choose to be born. I'm not the one who says "no" when I ask for a date. People blame me, but I did not choose to have this pain. I did not choose to be unlovable. So many times I've had to take how I feel and bottle it up and throw it away because people reject me. Hate me because of how I look. The pain has tortured my soul in this prison of a body. Even my thoughts clash with each other in the madness. I hear of a woman being raped, and part of me cries for what she goes through. But part of me considers it payback because she snubbed someone who loved her simply because she didn't like him "that way." "...Well now look where it got you. Someone who doesn't care about you took from you what you wouldn't give to someone who cares deeply for you..." Both parts of me are in pain. The loneliness eating away at me. People would rather me be dead than spend time with me. The dreams hurt so bad. Last night I dreamed about several women. I loved them. And I woke up hurting. So much pain. I hate myself for what I do. I look at women and I feel like I've stabbed them in the chest. I try not to look at them, but I can't look away in time. So much guilt. I know that women don't like me. I try not to look at them. But sometimes they come out of nowhere. I try to look at the floor, but I can't look down in time. Hurts so much. I hate the way that I am. I can't even think about a woman without feeling as though I've hurt her. I try not to think about her. But I care about her. It hurts to think about her. It's a disease I can't stop. It just hurts. I try to go out walking to try and lose weight so that I can be loved. But then I see women, and it hurts. I'm tired of the pain. I try to watch movies to make me feel good, but there's always a love story plot in them and it hurts to watch them. Seeing someone else get what I could never have. It hurts. People don't care that I care. They would rather I be dead. I will grant the world its wish soon enough. Until then I'll simply have to endure this pain as long as I can.