Wanna die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bitheway, Jan 14, 2008.

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  1. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    I cant take it anymore...i just wanna die and get it over with...so much shit has happened i cant fucking take it anymore...

    well middle school was the general bullying and calling names

    highschool- freshman year i was bullied alot

    summer before 10th grade= the bahamas trip
    well me and 3 teammates shared a room in the alantis hotel on paradise island in the bahamas. we were there for a tournment and our coach decided that he didnt need to tell us where his room was. So we were all having a grand old time, at least until the last night. I was in my room with 2 of my roommates, the third didnt come in til we were asleep, packing. Then we got tired and went to sleep, wondering where the third roommate was. The next morning, i woke up and heard shivering, screaming, crying, sobbing, and look around. There on the bed next to me, is my team mate, my fellow goalie, shaking like a leaf and sweating like mad. I quickly head over to my other room mates and ask them what happened, they didnt kno. then my teammate spoke up, she said 'took pills....bathroom.....all of them." so i headed to the bathroom to find the pills she was talking about. There were empty bottles every where, all of which were full the night before, it was then that i realized that she wasnt just sick, she was planning to die, she wanted to die, it was a suicide attempt. I head back over to my other roommates and one of them is on the phone, calling for an ambulence. I run over to the captians room to ask them if they knew where coaches room was, they didnt. They followed me to my room and gasped when they saw what happened. They told us to wait in the hallway and gather up the team, we did as we were told. I then went down stairs to the lobby to see if i could ask the front desk what my coaches room was, once they told me a sprinted to his room. I told him what happened and he followed me to my room, he tried to get us to leave the room, but i couldnt, not when i felt like it was my fault that this happened, what if i was awake when she came in, whould she have attempted, or would she have just calmed down. I had to know that she was going to be ok. When the EMT people finally came, i was so scared, cause she could barely breath on her own, she had to be hooked up to an oxygen tank. and then she was lifted on to a streatcher and taken to the nearest hospital.

    Last summer,
    My brother thought i would be fun to drink all night in mexico, since it was an all inclusive hotel and he didnt have to pay for drinks. Well on the last night of the trip i go into our room early cause i wanted to get some packing down. I was starting to dose off when i heard screaming outside my room, i recognized that voice, it was my brother. He came in to my room, stumbling everywhere and swearing like mad. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he collapsed on to his bed. I was so scared that i didnt know what to do, do i tell my parents or do i let it slide. Ten minutes later, i hear him coughing and throwing up, now i knew it was serious and that he could die, so i ran out of my room, not caring that i was only dressed in my pjs and told my parents what happened. My dad told me to stay with my mom, and he spent the night with my brother. Sometimes i think that it was my fault that that happened, what if i went to the show with them that night, he wouldnt have been at the bar all night, he wouldnt have gotten so drunk. They tell me that i saved his life, but they never thanked me for it. But what ever, its not important.

    summer before senior year
    I had a death threat against me a month ago, the same time i was trying to stop my habit. the death threat said this "Jenna i was only ur friend cause i was forced to be, in realilty i think that u are a f***ing lepercan with a lisp who should f*** off and die."

    This summer
    My cousin died in a car crash, her brother was injured in the crash...i was sent to a psych ward where i got sexually assaulted by another patient...i wrote my suicide note...my cutting got worse...

    During the school year i lost interest in everything that once meant something to me...i attempted suicide mulitiple times and now i just want to succeed at it...and i was almost expelled from college cause my grades were so low...now i have to prove myself and idk if i can...

    now i just wanna passout and die....
  2. damienj3

    damienj3 Member

    I know I'm new here but the best thing I can think of is don't give up. Things can always look better later on in time trust me. Don't give up.
  3. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    THanks for replying....

    things just keep getting worse tho...i just found out that my aunt has cancer and its really serious, we dont know if she will survive or not...i cant live without her....i cant deal with another death in my familiy, i just cant
  4. damienj3

    damienj3 Member

    Sorry to hear about that. Bad news about a family member is very hard to take, especially if it someone you are close too. Be strong, Thats the best advice I can give. I'll stick my msn on my profile if u need to chat
  5. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    I am having a really vivid flashback....its scaring the shit out of me
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry to hear about all of the bad news going on in your life. It will get better soon. Hang in there and try to be strong.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2008
  7. Dying embers

    Dying embers Well-Known Member

    Well done on hanging in there up til now, you've had an incredibly bad run of luck, it's absolutely tragic, and anyone would struggle. Bt it will change! I know some of that stuff will stay with you forever, but time does help a bit! Please keep going.
  8. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    im trying...i really am...i just dont know how much more i can take
  9. Dying embers

    Dying embers Well-Known Member

    Well if you ever need to talk...:smile:
  10. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    thanks...that means a lot
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey bitheway, in most of those experiences you say I wonder if... None of those things were your fault!!! You were the hero not the villian!!! Bravo to you to have the courage to seek help for those people. I'm so sorry that you have had and still have so much pain in your life. But remember, you are strong. You showed so much strength in just posting and sharing those things with us. Now you have to be strong again and let the members here help you through this. I know it is so hard to hang on, but please try. If you need a shoulder, I've got a nice old, worn in one you can use, anytime!
  12. bitheway

    bitheway Member

    thanks itmahanh that makes me feel better, at least a lil bit...

    this forum is really supportive, i like that...

    this flashback wont leave me alone tho
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ok, then make a new visual!!! Me ( I'm 43, had 5 kids and have put on a "few pounds" lately) trying to squeeze into the size 3 jeans I used to wear last year!!!! Bet that's almost scarier than the original flashback:eek:hmy: Seriously, you just have to find something that will take you away from those memories, some favorite music, trying a new craft or starting a new hobby maybe. I'm dealing with sort of the same thing right now. But I don't have the advantage of the new visual, unfortunately I'm living it!!!:laugh: Good luck!
  14. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Just remember that all of the people in the forum are with you...Whenever you need someone,just log on and talk...

    From across the miles I extend a hand..Take it, hold tight and don't let go.:rose::rose:
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