Wanna Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alvarezjr, Apr 7, 2008.

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  1. alvarezjr

    alvarezjr New Member

    Hey, I'm gonna call myself Michael here...I'm living a bad life, I have no friends, Drop out from School, everybody hates me, I'm not even good looking, so my life is a mess.

    I thought I was getting over this for a few months...Last year, about April had a fight with my mom, I woke up and went and watch some TV, she was getting ready to go to work...She suddenly started talking crap to me, I just stood there, and listen, she was cussing at me,...Then when she was right out the door to go to work...My head blow up, I started talking back, I just couldn't hold anymore..

    So things got worst that moment, she came back in, and started talking crap, I told her I didn't care what she say, that I didn't even like her as my mom,..I know those where big words, but I don't feel she likes me either....So she told me, to get of the house, to leave...but i didn't since i had no where to go, and I would only do it, if my dad told me the same,,,(he was traveling for work)...So she left, ....

    From that day, I was taking Suicide more for real, I even went to kitchen and get alot of pills, and went to basement, which was my room back then..And just stood there crying, but didnt went further...So it was the same for about, I dont remember if it was for one weak or 2..That I didnt went upstairs when she was home, alot of times didnt eat...And most of the time i was downstairs, just writing, playing with a PSP i bought, and stuff like that...

    I wrote a letter, of how i feel...How much I hated my life, that nobody cared about me, ect....
    And one day, my little brother who was 2...came in to my room, I played with him a little..then I didnt notice he tooked the notebook i wrote my letter in, and somehow some one read it..I guess it was my young sister, and show it to my mom, later my dad...

    I didnt know about it, and one day, my mom went to my room, I was surprised..she told me to go upstairs...to eat, and be there...so things got better that day.......

    ...........

    But within time, things got normal, as it was always...I had to take care of my little brother while all where workin, or my sister in school..I have always taker good care of him...So one day after my sister came back from School, my brothers dipers where very wet from his pee...But It waesnt my fault, since he was pissing alot that day, I even had to put him 3 times different shorts, since he got them very wet that day...So..my sister called my mom, who was coming from worked...

    She told my mom, that my brother was so wet from pee, that it looked, as if I havent change my brothers dipers for about 8 HOURS! (I was hearin at the phone, since we answer at the same time)...Then my mom, started cussin at me, (she didnt know i was in the other line) saying how bitch I was, ect ect..which it is that makes me feel very bad...then my sister put my little brother in the phone..and my mom asked him if i gave him some food...Which I did.....My little brother told her no...Though he is a little kid, and doesnt know if what he is sayin is good or bad, I of course didnt get mad of my little brother....When he told my mom no, my mom started cussing me back...

    And I started talkin to her in the phone,,She yell at me because I was hearin all the conversation...and she told my sister that if i did anythin to her, that she should tell her when she get home...so i just went downstair, and sleep the rest of the day, and cry, of how unfair that was.

    things didnt got worst though..i just keap takin care of my brother, while my parents where working....

    ..

    it will continue....................................
     
  2. alvarezjr

    alvarezjr New Member

    So..

    About a month ago, i wanned to make a change in my life,..Wanned to join a program, for school dropouts like me..which is 6months program, and I can get my ged and degree there...

    I have being watin to know if I fully qualified..Since im not US Citizen, nore I have a green card...But IM Legal residence, and can live here...I have live here for about 10 years...dont know how muc time i have, But planing to live here in America all my life, since I consider it, my home...

    So I just waitin to see If I qualified...

    I told my parents about it...My dad is like.."well. if u wanna join, try it, but i dono if you can join since ur not american"...but dont see much enthusiam on him, it looks like, he doesnt care...he told me that, it was much to fill up in the application, and alot of stuff that we dont have...I told that we could get them, ....One of them is some medical exams, and shots record....i mean, hello :rolleyes:...and he was like "well ......." he didnt nothing else..

    today i had a fight with mom, she started again, cussin at me very bad,...and my aspirations to join the program are everytime weaker, i feel lest interested...I just wanna die. dont wanna leave anymore

    though I dont want people who used to make fun of me, to go and say they are sorry forme... Thats the worst thing..I dont care about my mom, I just hope she cry and cry, of how a bitch mom she was...She says I stink, she says I should get a job and get out of the house....

    I have no friends, no social life...only person i love are my brother and my dad...I have nothing else. I hate my mom from the bottom of my heart, i hate my sister.... i hate my life.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Al...life can be so tough, but you seem like you are getting back on the path, applying for your GED..if you cannot get into the program, there are some accredited programs online...hope things turn around soon...J
     
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