Got a shit nights sleep as per usual. Got up about 7:30am and came down stairs. Sat down here thinking, in tears. Wanting to cut. Wanting to take them. This morning i could of got my hands on over <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>pills, maybe more (someone elses pills) and just walked out. Was even thinking about walking to this car park i've seen and just standing up on the top level just to think about things but i ended up falling asleep. Then i feel asleep about about 1pm? or something like that. Must of been asleep for a bout 30 - 45 mins. Wake up and feel like someones having a go at me. Fair enough i said i'd help with something. All they had to do was wake me up and i would of. But it's like i'm getting these little digs thrown at me and it's driving me mad. The reason i fell asleep was because the last time i went upstairs i went with every intention of cutting but couldn't because they'd notice the fresh cut on my arm since i haven't cut in over a month. Now i'm just thinking about getting up right now and leaving. Walking away as far as i can . Not because i want to but because i feel i have to. When i'm down and shes down we just snap at each other. I ever get lied to right to my face. I don't want that. I really don't wanna leave cos i know i won't be able to come back for about 3 weeks because i'm going to Turkey on Sunday. I don't wanna go on this holiday because ima miss her so damn much. I don't wanna go because of the fact that its gonna be boiling and the scars on my arm is more visible now. I could easily get up and take them now. Wouldn't even notice because shes asleep in the chair near me. Shes been feeling shit so she don't need me crap or me to talk about it so i've been really quiet today and just keep thinking to myself, staring at random things. Just don't know what to do anymore. Just wanna run away and keep running away from it all. Wanna cute but then again i don't cos thats gonna make me paranoid for the 2 weeks i'm away. Just wanna let out all the shittyness and the only ways i can think of doing that are taking the pills or cutting. So basically i'm stuck with taking the pills. So guess that leaves me with what i'm doing tonight. Can't go home feeling like this. Can't go home on the trains feeling like this. So it needs to be done. Meh, might add to this later if my head stops spinning.