Wanna do it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Got a shit nights sleep as per usual. Got up about 7:30am and came down stairs. Sat down here thinking, in tears. Wanting to cut. Wanting to take them. This morning i could of got my hands on over <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>pills, maybe more (someone elses pills) and just walked out. Was even thinking about walking to this car park i've seen and just standing up on the top level just to think about things but i ended up falling asleep. Then i feel asleep about about 1pm? or something like that. Must of been asleep for a bout 30 - 45 mins. Wake up and feel like someones having a go at me. Fair enough i said i'd help with something. All they had to do was wake me up and i would of. But it's like i'm getting these little digs thrown at me and it's driving me mad. The reason i fell asleep was because the last time i went upstairs i went with every intention of cutting but couldn't because they'd notice the fresh cut on my arm since i haven't cut in over a month. Now i'm just thinking about getting up right now and leaving. Walking away as far as i can . Not because i want to but because i feel i have to. When i'm down and shes down we just snap at each other. I ever get lied to right to my face. I don't want that. I really don't wanna leave cos i know i won't be able to come back for about 3 weeks because i'm going to Turkey on Sunday. I don't wanna go on this holiday because ima miss her so damn much. I don't wanna go because of the fact that its gonna be boiling and the scars on my arm is more visible now. I could easily get up and take them now. Wouldn't even notice because shes asleep in the chair near me. Shes been feeling shit so she don't need me crap or me to talk about it so i've been really quiet today and just keep thinking to myself, staring at random things. Just don't know what to do anymore. Just wanna run away and keep running away from it all. Wanna cute but then again i don't cos thats gonna make me paranoid for the 2 weeks i'm away. Just wanna let out all the shittyness and the only ways i can think of doing that are taking the pills or cutting. So basically i'm stuck with taking the pills. So guess that leaves me with what i'm doing tonight. Can't go home feeling like this. Can't go home on the trains feeling like this. So it needs to be done.

    Meh, might add to this later if my head stops spinning.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 18, 2007
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    ignore this.

    Wanna slice up my arm. Wanna take those pills. Wanna take those pills in my bag. Wanna just get away. Gonna drink more and more. Don't wanna go on sunday. I'm KNOW i'm gonna be in a bad on sunday. Don't wanna fucking go!!!! :mad: :cry: Gah im dreading going :sad: Trying to sort something out.
  3. Jess

    Jess Guest

    viks :hug: :hug: :hug: big hugs.. you know I'm here if you wanna talk to someone
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Thanks Jess, honey. Sorry am a bit drunk. Maybe its making me feel worse. Gonna drink more so i pass out. Forget it all.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Viks..buy some of those floaty caftan tops that are out at the mo, get some with long sleeves. They're so light and thin material no one will wonder at you having sleeves on.
    Try not to get too worked up..it will all be over in a fortnight and then you will be home :hug:
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Where don't you want to go? What's going on hun? Please don't hurt yourself, it won't fix anything, you'll just get back in that vicious circle. We are here for you and we care, hang in there ok? We are here for you, you have to know that. :hug:
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Dont wanna go cos of my cuts on the my are, their pretty bad considering how they was a few weeks ago (even sam will agree with that), i just know im gonna get REALLY paranoid about it and plus ima miss Sam like HELL and thanks Terry for the advice on the tops, the main problem is cos im worried about my mum seeing them, she knows i self harm now. Im thinking about showing my mate and my mum at the airport before we go cos their bound to see at some point while away cos its gonna be that hot? good or bad idea?
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Try Bio oil and see if that takes the scarring down a bit..if not..then yeah let em see em now and get it out the way.
  9. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Vikkers :hug: , I was kinda feeling the same before I got on holiday. Ended up cutting bad. Please dont do that, will only make thing harder during holiday. Hiding everything etc. In the end it wasnt so bad. Had to wear long sleeves all the time and it didnt get too hot for me, but I wear normally lots of clotes :unsure: . Just stay a bit in the shadow and like terry said, buy some long sleeve shirts made of thin material. I know it will be hard, but believe me, its nice to have a break for a while. If you got a change, sun on those scars, will help. I think its a good idea. I've been hiding my new scars almost the whole holiday and in the end my mom find out about it and reacted ok. She didnt liked it ofcourse, but its not going to fuck up the holiday.
    Hope you will have a nice time and dont take those pills or slice :eek:hmy: please. Dont know what to say anymore, here if you need me :smile:
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Thanks Terry hun, my aunts trying to get me some cream for them (shes the only one in the family who i can really talk about it) will try hide them as much as i can while on holiday (while i get a tan (if any lol) )

    Just REALLY paranoide about my arm, fair enough i wanna get away for a bit, i don't wanna leave Sam, i'm just really worried about people seeing them.

    Thanks, Julie, loves ya hunni xxxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 18, 2007
  11. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I sometimes put a little bit of foundation on my scars, it works quite well too.