Wanna know what makes feeling suicidal worse?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Annie Oakley, Sep 13, 2013.

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  1. Annie Oakley

    Annie Oakley New Member

    I have been sinking into another one of my horrible depressions for the last couple of months now. Nothing i can do to stop it - i have no job and no insurance for counseling or meds. My depression became twenty time worse last week when i had to send my dog to rescue for aggression issues. I haven't left my bed in a week now. I am barely eating it showering. I am not answering the phone to the few friends i have left. Tonight i finally told my brother i am contemplating suicide and he read and ignored my email. That made it so much worse. That he doesn't even care. Never wanted to just die more. My dad got it right when he killed himself a few years ago.
     
  2. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    :( I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Can you find a community counseling center? Many have sliding scale or offer free counseling. (Hugs). I don't have insurance either, so I can really relate. The only thing that has saved me had been the office that offered a sliding scale. When I completely ran out of money, they let me run a tab. When they referred me out to a sexual assault counseling center, they told me my bill was null and void, and told me not to worry about paying them back. The sexual assault center is grant-funded, so it's totally free. I could get meds prescribed on a sliding scale also, but I don't really take any (they make me worse).
    I hope you can find support. I'm sorry about your dog. I can't imaging how tough that must be. I had to put a dog down for aggression once (due to brain damage from prior abuse). It was one of the hardest things I ever did. :( keep reaching out...
     
  3. Annie Oakley

    Annie Oakley New Member

    Thanks rain...the only counseling center that is on a sliding scale is about 45 minutes away (each way) and my $$ is too tight for that gas money right now and I know they will make me go back on meds and I really hate the meds for Bipolar. They make me like a zombie. I have been hypo manic for about 9 months and felt the depression coming back in about 7 weeks ago but I kept myself busy with training my dog and trying to find a job so I kept it at bay. I got into a fight with my mom last weekend because she made fun of me crying about missing my dog - whom she wanted me to put down because he cost me my entire savings account - and now the looming depression has crashed and I am in one of my sleep around the clock-don't leave the bed-barely shower or eat suicidal depressions. When you have bipolar disorder and you feel 'okay' you know in the back of your mind the low is always going to come back and I just lay here and cry about my mess of a life. I have lost my only child - I have severe abandonment issues and was raped 4 years ago and never got therapy for it (refused to discuss it) - then all the meds they put me on for bipolar made me gain tons of weight and even though I am off the meds and barely eat - I can't get my thin body back now. My family treats me like a leper - they go on vacations and have parties and I am the only one not invited. I have started thinking about a plan to die again - I was almost successful with my last attempt. Life shouldn't feel this heavy and hard and painful every day. I am very alone and sad.
     
  4. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    (hugs) Is there a sexual assault crisis center nearby? they would be free and you could call them about the rape, and then just also address the other stuff. That's how I got into the crisis center near here. (or is that the 45 min one?). I'm sorry your family treats you so awfully. I totally understand about meds; they make me so much worse when I am on them. I wish I could be more help...
     
  5. Annie Oakley

    Annie Oakley New Member

    I live in the south and we have very few resources like rape crisis centers here. We don't even have low income housing options for those with disabilities. My family treats me like a leper and tonight my brother responded to my email by saying to "toughen up"....I have tried that and I can't toughen up. I am just a mess.
     
  6. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    :( I'm sorry... I wish I had something to make it better.
     
  7. suicidaldf

    suicidaldf New Member

    that toughen up crap so doesn't work. i hate it
     
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