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Want and need, and people. What is it with people?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by soapymongoose, Jan 29, 2013.

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  1. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I've not been here for a while, to this site. I don't know when it all changed but it's fancy. I like it. I just kind of need somewhere to write really, I remember writing a lot on here years ago. It seemed to help with whatever it was that was bothering me. Which was good. Morbid fascinations with death and substance issues aside, I've not been doing badly. Hence not being here for years. I'M STILL ALIVE! Yeah, fuck you statistics. :single_eye:

    I do get alarmed at my many moods and traits though, still. At the minute I'm a recluse more than anything else. Actual contact involving interaction with people doesn't seem to go too well, ever. I don't know if I will ever be bothered enough to change this, as it has always been the case to some degree. I seem to fixate on things. No idea why really.

    I am irresponsible. Even though I'm in my thirties I can still spontaneously decide to take a box of painkillers, just because, or walk out on a job 3 days early purely to sabotage my good reference. Both of those things happening this week. Not too sure why I'm still a self-saboteur after learning so many lessons about it in the past, but hey!

    I'm still "depressed". God I hate that term. But I cannot for the life of me think of a better one, and for that I blame society. Seriously, you can type in any number of words into google and diagnose yourself yet here I am falling back on "depressed". Yeah, "depressed (with strong self abusive tendencies. Passive/aggression, binging and purging, the occasional delusion of grandeur but yeah, mostly just "depressed"). Stupid, mostly just stupid really.

    I have what is probably a major family event coming up. My sister's wedding (are they still major events?) It'll be good, it'll be a party of sorts and the occasional party is fine with me as long as I don't have to stay sober, riight?

    This is mostly, to be fair, pretty inane stuff. Stuff that happens all the time to people across the world.

    I'll attempt a Limerick. Screw it.

    There once was a boy from the outskirts of Hell
    He grew up to be sick, he never looked well
    Sick of people asking "are you alright?"
    He retreated into the night, turned his bedroom into a cell

    There you go, a depressive recluse doing an Irish jig.

    I am glad this place still exists though.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi to you i am glad this site still exist too hun because i come here to do the same thing to write to get rid of the words in my head get rid of some of the sadness inside too
    It is nice to meet you soapymongoose Welcome back to SF
  3. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    Thank-you total eclipse. I do "live" more online than in the real world. Whatever that is. Ever since I discovered the internet all those years ago. I'll never understand how I can open up to a computer screen yet freeze so calamitously in front of people I've known for years and could say anything to, and have done in rare moments of, I dunno, humanity?

    Apparently I am odd, people keep telling me. Then, of course, you get the occasional person who feels the need to disprove things. Like, "you're not that odd, you're eating an apple. Loads of people do that. You're only odd for attention!" Yeah, coz it was a "label" I worked on for years, how infuriating that you are in the small percentile that can see through it :chargrined:

    Not as bad as "The excusivists" (phrase just recently coined, not subject to copyright as it seems a bit of a shit phrase). You know, people that have an answer for everything, but it's usually a way out. People are turning me bitter as the years go by. I was already a bitter teenager, again because of people! There's no escaping them! Last night for instance, I listened to my housemate next door screaming blue murder at her dog for barking at a fire alarm. "Normal behaviour for the dog" I thought, "But why the massive over-reaction everytime she barks at anything?" I kind of switched off to it then as I was watching something and she screams regularly at the dog for, well, for being a dog really, but the situation escalated to her screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" repeatedly at the dog, as the dog now had the sheer audacity to lie there whimpering. As you probably would if the person supposedly responsible for you had a problem with something that years of evolution had predestined you do. Personally I'd have bitten her hand off, and I'm not even an animal. Anyway, I ramble. I ramble A LOT. I woke up today and remembered this incident so I Facebooked it, mostly to see what reaction I'd get. Kind of like a personal sociological experiment (I always do them, and I will never learn not to) and I really like animals too so wanted to get across that I felt for the poor, verbally abused thing. I was abused, that's why I'm screwed up, so I can empathise.

    Their response was that I am passive/aggressive. I am, I actually told her that myself once, warned her against it because I can be that way inclined for what seems like no reason. I actively fear confrontation, yet I get so annoyed sometimes that I can't help but say something/do something about the situation that caused it, even if I've imagined the situation. Sometimes that happens. I'm not proud at all, let alone too proud to admit it. I can see myself "existing" for the rest of my allotted time on Earth merely absorbing events, information and letting them mould me into the sort of person I wouldn't have understood had they stopped me in the street in, say, my twenties.

    Anyway, it is nice to meet you. Believe it or not that is basically all I wanted to say when I started typing!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I enjoy reading your writings your mind how it works wow i emphasize with the dog and feel a person like that should not own an animal I hate seeing animals abused and more so i hate seeing people being verbally abused If they can do that infront of you what do they do behind doors mmm Sounds like you are a sensitive soul taking in so much and retaining it all Does your information you take in stay inside your head swirling around for days mine does. I too use the computer for socializing it is easy to walk away when someone is being cruel here Take care ok look forward to reading more of what you post
  5. Python

    Python Member

    Welcome back, soapymongoose. :05.18-flustered:
  6. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    At the minute thoughts go round at 10000000 miles an hour so, yeah. I usually get wasted every night but I'm taking some time off, mostly due to going a tad too far with codeine and vodka and not being very well all week because of it. But usually I smoke weed, I don't even class it as a "drug" anymore. For so many years I've self-medicated with the stuff and then when I need/want/feel like having a "blowout" use other stuff. I'm basically a massive stoner with a penchant for vodka and prescription painkillers. I've been on all sorts of anti-depressants, beta blockers etc.. but I've never liked them. I have a friend who is in cognitive behavioural therapy, he is probably more textbook depressed than me on a regular basis. I have my own little coping methods that I've honed over the years. But he says he's getting somewhere so I may look into that. I'm all for therapy, I never used to be but then I had a wonderful therapist for a few years who empathised. I love that word. Until I went to her I could do a better job figuring shit out for myself. But I found her when I'd just about reached rock bottom. A bit fate-like, if there is such a thing. But she challenged my thinking, for the good.

    I've definitely got a "substance issue" though, in that I actively need them in order to form a routine. This is endemic, and not an excuse to get wasted. When I really get to the bottom of how I "feel", apparently that is an important thing to figure out, then I feel empty most of the time (there's a hole in the soul that we fill with dope. And we're feeling fine. Random Manson quote there). That is so cliche'd but I've always thought cliches become cliches for a very valid reason so we shouldn't discount them. Maybe, in a way, that's our problem. But then you act on feeling empty and all these negative connotations stem from that as if feelings are just laughing at us like schoolkids, having played a basic prank on our brains and caused us to do something we regret.

    I definitely think too much, I always have done. Doesn't really help that I don't sleep much either. I am glad that you like reading my words. So much better than being called an insufferable bore!
  7. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    No way 'an insufferable bore'.
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