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Want help

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This is my first post here; I joined the forum because I was afraid my parents would see "suicide hotline" on the phone bill. I'm a 19 year old college student living at home. I'll write about my issues, which, unfortunately with regards to the late hour, may may be long.

I have severe social phobia/anxiety and am autistic. As a child I would get bullied and engage in physical altercations with peers. Teachers and counselors didn't know what to do with me; they sensed something was wrong, but I was one of the smartest in the grade. I do have a habit of reacting irrationally regarding school. The only teacher I really respected was my sixth grade Spanish teacher who was very intelligent, but unable to control the class. He was fired after one year and for all my subsequent reacquired Spanish courses in middle and high school I intentionally did poorly. Otherwise, I did too well to be put in special education. I even went to a special high school for gifted students and still didn't fit in (no special ed for smart kids). I never had friends. There were people (mainly in special ed) who would try to talk to me, but my social phobia stopped any real friendships, which I only now realize upon reflection.

I have a large family, but don't relate to them. I remember crying as a toddler because I wanted American grandparents, not a Chinese Paw and Gung. I have somewhat of a cultural identity crisis being half European Jewish and half Chinese. I don't feel much of a connection to my aunts, uncles, and cousins despite seeing them regularly. I do love my sister and father though, but feel uncomfortable talking to them about this. My father has issues with depression that he keeps private.

I don't have a goal in life. I go to a college that is generally agreed to be beneath me, but I chose it because its ease allows me free time. I have no academic or professional ambition despite my intellect. Being from a middle clad family allows me almost all of my material desires. I sit around at home doing typical things like reading or listing to music. I feel as if I ever got too bored I would just see no more reason to live. Like I said, I'm not close to family and social phobia keeps me from having friends. I felt very bored and alone today.

Sometimes I'm reminded of te Kinks' Waterloo Sunset: "And I don't need no friends/As long as I gaze on Waterloo Sunset I am in paradaise." It's a shame I live in suc a boring town.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
I like your title it say much. You want help and you can get some here I hoe you keep posting so you can make new friends and get the support you need hugs
many suicide hotlines are toll-free 800 #'s, so maybe they wouldn't show up on a bill. you could try calling from a pay phone (hard to find these days) or another phone and ask them. I think that some hotlines have websites associated and you might be able to ask questions via email.

meditation can help with social anxiety. you might also want to look into therapy.

so if you have some abilities, there is a lot of need in the world, so maybe you can find a way to use your talents to help? you might find that in the process that this makes you happy.


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Welcome to the forums.. What are you majoring in at college?? You sound very intelligent.. Maybe joining a group or groups will help with your socialphobia.. I know there are depression groups out there that deal with a wide variety of illnesses..
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