This is my first post here; I joined the forum because I was afraid my parents would see "suicide hotline" on the phone bill. I'm a 19 year old college student living at home. I'll write about my issues, which, unfortunately with regards to the late hour, may may be long. I have severe social phobia/anxiety and am autistic. As a child I would get bullied and engage in physical altercations with peers. Teachers and counselors didn't know what to do with me; they sensed something was wrong, but I was one of the smartest in the grade. I do have a habit of reacting irrationally regarding school. The only teacher I really respected was my sixth grade Spanish teacher who was very intelligent, but unable to control the class. He was fired after one year and for all my subsequent reacquired Spanish courses in middle and high school I intentionally did poorly. Otherwise, I did too well to be put in special education. I even went to a special high school for gifted students and still didn't fit in (no special ed for smart kids). I never had friends. There were people (mainly in special ed) who would try to talk to me, but my social phobia stopped any real friendships, which I only now realize upon reflection. I have a large family, but don't relate to them. I remember crying as a toddler because I wanted American grandparents, not a Chinese Paw and Gung. I have somewhat of a cultural identity crisis being half European Jewish and half Chinese. I don't feel much of a connection to my aunts, uncles, and cousins despite seeing them regularly. I do love my sister and father though, but feel uncomfortable talking to them about this. My father has issues with depression that he keeps private. I don't have a goal in life. I go to a college that is generally agreed to be beneath me, but I chose it because its ease allows me free time. I have no academic or professional ambition despite my intellect. Being from a middle clad family allows me almost all of my material desires. I sit around at home doing typical things like reading or listing to music. I feel as if I ever got too bored I would just see no more reason to live. Like I said, I'm not close to family and social phobia keeps me from having friends. I felt very bored and alone today. Sometimes I'm reminded of te Kinks' Waterloo Sunset: "And I don't need no friends/As long as I gaze on Waterloo Sunset I am in paradaise." It's a shame I live in suc a boring town.