Well after I wrote my last post on here I tried not to do it, all in vain I knew what would happen. I gave in as the sun was rising, I grabbed one of the scalpels I had stolen from my doctors office, and f*** was it sharp. I'd actually forgotting how sharp a fresh scalpel could be, in a moment of rationality and safety I put it away(didn't trust myself not to 'accidently slash an artery wide open). So I switched to a drafting knife handle(the same drafting knife handle I started cutting with when I was 15) with an old scalpel head put in but it was way too dull. So I grabbed my exacto knife which did the trick neatly and effectively. I didn't go overboard(mainly cause I had to go to work in an hour'ish) and only made a dozen an a few more slices. Most very shallow with a few slightly deeper. All in all I controlled myself nicely I must say. But I know that it'll just make me want it more and soon. But right now I'm a little calmer and I feel a lot better. Anyway I just needed to get this out I can't tell anyone else I know. This is the only place I can voice my truth and not be judged or looked at with a mix of horror, disgust, and disappointment. So if anyone reads this or more unlikely says something(please refrain from the whole "you should go to the hospital an speak to professionals, I've spent a decade of my life doing that an it DOESN'T work and I'm on medication, it helps a little not much though, basically I don't need nor want to hear any of that kind of talk ANYMORE however well intentioned) I thank you, it means a lot. I'm just hear to like I said voice my truth an NOT be judged, or told what I need to do(especially since I've done IT ALL), or be made to feel bad/wrong or like a freak. I just want to get it OUT somewhere I WON'T feel or be told any of the aforementioned things. Anyway I'll stop typing an stop wasting webspace for now, take care.