I've been thinking about dying since I was six and about suicide since I was fourteen. I used to really want to die and on a daily basis would consider all manner of ways to do it and was desperate to take action. I have been deeply depressed and self harmed because I wasn't able to die but now I am past all that. I have been sectioned and am still on medication but none of it changes anything. I feel I should have died a long time ago, however, I have lived through it and thoughts and feelings have changed, though it's no better now. I am at peace with things and suicide will be a release for me. I am left with nothing. I have no desire to do anything, no wanting feeling and getting through each day is becoming more difficult. I can't work as getting a job and having to interact with people on a daily basis, people who don't think or feel as I do, feigning optimism and enthusiasm would only make things worse. Dealing with the people I have to see each day is bad enough. They are trying to get me to find a job so when I don't, I have no idea how much longer they will pay me benefits. When they stop I will no longer be able to live and so I will kill myself, however, I don't want to get through every day till then. It seems like I'm just waiting to die but because I am able to live, I do. So I'm left living a life I don't want to live. (mod edit ) I am decided now and past all the uncertainty, determined in my course of action.