I haven't been on in a couple of days, don't feel i can take it anymore. don't want my meds don't want my life. I have thoughts running through my head and none of them are good. I can't talk about it to anyone IRL, I know its my depression but I'm scared to talk here, I'm scared Ill be judged. I'm scared of everything, all I want to do is cry and sleep. If I sleep I have nightmares, if I don't sleep I live in a nightmare. I cut to see if I'm alive, then I play with the blood and a paintbrush drawing pictures on my skin. It's so pretty to look at, its the only beautiful thing I see in my life. I know its twisted but I can't help it. i don't know what to do, I have a doc appointment on Monday and I'm trying to get to there but its hard. I'm alone all day and the loneliness and silence is deafening. I'm remembering more things every day that I have blocked with alcohol for years, my list gets longer and longer with things I have endured. My memories are the worst part of it. I feel sickened and disgusted with myself. Today I showered for two hours in freezing water, I scrub myself with bleach, I hit myself for looking at food for even thinking about it. I hate myself and what I have become.