Want it to end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sakuragirl, Jul 19, 2008.

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  1. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    I haven't been on in a couple of days, don't feel i can take it anymore. don't want my meds don't want my life. I have thoughts running through my head and none of them are good. I can't talk about it to anyone IRL, I know its my depression but I'm scared to talk here, I'm scared Ill be judged. I'm scared of everything, all I want to do is cry and sleep. If I sleep I have nightmares, if I don't sleep I live in a nightmare. I cut to see if I'm alive, then I play with the blood and a paintbrush drawing pictures on my skin. It's so pretty to look at, its the only beautiful thing I see in my life. I know its twisted but I can't help it.

    i don't know what to do, I have a doc appointment on Monday and I'm trying to get to there but its hard. I'm alone all day and the loneliness and silence is deafening. I'm remembering more things every day that I have blocked with alcohol for years, my list gets longer and longer with things I have endured. My memories are the worst part of it. I feel sickened and disgusted with myself. Today I showered for two hours in freezing water, I scrub myself with bleach, I hit myself for looking at food for even thinking about it. I hate myself and what I have become.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This the one place in the world where you will never be judged. Everyone here is or has had pain and torment of their own and only want to help others through the experience they have acquired. You are safe here hun. If nothing else, you can find support, care and love from the community. You have a very wonderful angel in your life that will be there too. You can always pm me because I care about you. Please dont close yourself off to others right now. You need to draw strength from people that have it to offer. Keep your goal of the Monday Dr. appointment.
     
  3. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    its the only thing that has kept me semi sane right now i feel so hurt though and so scared
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hurt by what and scared of what? PM if ya like hun. Really want to help you through this. Depression has a way of making us do things that are the opposite of what we really need at times like this. I know you are a strong person but leaning on a friend or two right now couldnt hurt.
     
  5. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    Ive been hit and beat pretty much all my life and even though angel says he will never hit me I'm paranoid that hes going to. I flinch near him when I know I haven't been good. He got really mad at me last night and yelled at me saying that I didn't love him, but I do I'm just drawing away. Then I have these nightmares where I remember stuff and I get scared. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want anyone near me. I'm scared of everyone and everything. There was a thunderstorm last night and i freaked out, it was just thunder and lightening. I feel guilty for not doing what I should and Ive started hitting myself so Angel doesn't have to punish me, I tell him I bumped into things when he asks about bruises. I'm scared of myself to be honest.
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well looks like you found the right person. I know all too well the need to punish yourself for things that you feel you screwed up or may have failed at. Hun I'm here to help you anyway I can.
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Keep your appointment on Monday and express to the doc what you told us. You do not need to punish yourself. I know how hard that is to believe. You have suffered through enough for a lifetime. It is more than enough. You will not be judged for the way you feel. Keep posting and allowing us to support you as much as we can. You are a survivor. You can do it again. :hug:
     
  8. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    Re: Want it to end *trig* maybe

    thank you for your kind words, i am trying to get to monday, it is hard though. Today i was in the bath and couldn't stop with a blade. Im happy when I cut, the blood is beautiful but then i cant help but to feel empty afterwards. it makes me want to continue cutting, but im running out of hiding places for the cuts.
     
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