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Want Out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarlettHurts1990, Apr 6, 2015.

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  1. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I honestly just feel like I want out. I feel done with this terrible, awful world we live in and I cannot stand to be here anymore. I have been emotionally abused and/or abandoned by just about everyone who's ever been important to me. Life just feels pointless. What's the use when we all just die in the end anyway? I no longer feel I have a purpose on this Earth. Talk about anhedonia, I just hate everything. Nothing gives me a genuine smile or any pleasure at all. I think about time and eternity and how it all just goes and everyone is going to die! I feel like there's no point if we are all just going to end up in the ground, anyway. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was 12 and I am 24 now and it's so demoralizing to be back down in a black abyss after so many years of true health and happiness. It feels so unfair- I am not a bad person! I know that bad things happen to good people everyday but I can no longer tolerate this hopelessness, this intense feeling of isolation. I just want to drown in misery. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up ever again. I hate the way my pathetic life turned out to be. I have no money, no job, got too unwell to finish my graduate education as a MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR (ha, let that sink in for a second), lost my fiancé who I loved more than anyone in this world (she started taking advantage of me), had to move back in with my crazy mom and gma and overall I'd rather be dead than to be back in this town that I hate so much, this town that's been so unkind to me in my youth. Everyone I've ever loved is always cruelly taken away from me. How much can one person tolerate before they crack? Everything reminds me of death and forever, there is not one thing on this earth that doesn't conjure up thoughts of suicide and death for me. I am more depressed than ever and feel time slipping through my fingers like sand. I can't hold onto it or myself. I can't control anything in my life. I've lost everything that was important to me. I have horror stories no one could even imagine. I just want out, I am sick of being a good person that constantly gets F*****. I am so over everything. I can't do it, I can't take my life, what is the point of living in a world that tries to destroy itself? I desperately want to be under the ground, that's where I should be anyway. I should've been there long ago but someone up there decided I should live! The alcohol poisoning when I was 18 should have killed me off and I wish I had, better yet- I wish I'd never been born. I feel completely hopeless and helpless but no one I know believes it. Just because I have a somewhat attractive exterior, no one believes I want to die but I do. I really, really do. I WANT OUT
  2. Fractals

    Fractals New Member

    I can't honestly relate to most of your problems, I haven't had many of the experiences you've had from what you've said. But I do know the pain of emotional abuse, I've dealt with it all my life and I've never had the willpower to defend myself, save for a scant few occasions that make me think about how much more I couldve been. I haven't gone to college yet, don't know if I'll make it, but it sounds like you were pursuing a career that may not pay well but can save people's lives. Life is full of rough spots, and for some fucked up reason they can be years long, even last your whole life. You ultimately make your own decision and I can't decide what you do, but I want to help. I don't really know how, but I'll talk anytime I'm on here. Peace :hippie:
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I was attractive....
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