I have been struggling with so many things lately. The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Recently I had someone totally betray me. It was not that the person had betrayed me but that I had really opened up to this person about the abuse that I had endured. Details about the sexual abuse and the extent and the horrible things that were done. When this person ended up turning on me, in a lot of ways it was worse than the original acts against me. I have been left feeling so dirty. To have told someone of the horrible and shameful things that was done to me, to let them in. To have them tell me all of the proper things and make me believe that they cared. This only caused me to feel comfortable enough to share even more. Now that they have done this, it has destroyed so much trust. I just can't trust anyone. I want so badly to share with my therapist what has happened. I just can't. It just brings up such terror. I feel like there is a cat o' nine tails spinning furiously inside of me and ripping me apart. All the while, I must sit in silence with this pain as my own. The pain is magnified so much when I share it and the person just stomps on my story and me like I'm bothersome sand. I want so desperately to be able to trust someone with my story and not have them shred me into a million pieces. I want someone to allow me to cry and feel this outside and release it from inside me. It is killing me.