Want to be done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bradlee, Feb 8, 2012.

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  1. Bradlee

    Bradlee Member

    I don't know what to do, anymore. I'm lost, scared, trapped and alone. Not a single person in my life has any idea of what really goes on in my head, on a daily basis. I keep a fake smile on my face at all times. I've never confided in any of my friends or family, about how insanely unhappy and depressed I am. I don't remember exactly when my depression started, probably around age 18 (I'm 20, now). It's always been bad. It's always been hard to make it through the nights alone. I used to only feel INCREDIBLY depressed and sad, at night; at least that's when it was the worst. It's getting worse now. From the second I wake up, I feel miserable, and the feeling follows me throughout the entire day, up into the night. I don't want to live anymore. Life in general just seems so trivial to me now; We wake up, work, eat, sleep, then do it all over again. I don't want any part in it.

    I'm a failure. I'm lazy. I'm a hypocrite. I'm every demeaning word you could possibly come up with, and I realize it. I don't like myself, and I don't know why others do. Honestly, I feel that the people in my life, are the only reason I'm alive today. Only because I know that I would cause them pain, if I took my own life. I realize how selfish that would be. But during these last few days, I've realized that it's also a bit selfish of them, as well. If I'm not happy living, if I dread most every waking moment, why should continue? Because they would be hurt? That, in my mind, is just as selfish an act as the one I would be committing. I don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy (not including times that involve drugs or alcohol, because the happiness is short-lived). I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to be done.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Bradlee hard to keep up that mask hun better to reach out now and get some hellp okay. Talk to a councillor at your school talk to your gp see what can be done to take away the depression you have felt for a couple of years now. Get therapy perhaps if something triggered this depression Time to get out of the darkness okay you are still young get help now wo years will not be spent waisted Your family would want to help you and support you they would not want to know you are in such pain hugs
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Bradlee. I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I'm glad you've opened up here. :)

    Total Eclipse has a good idea - reach out to a professional (as well as on here). You could even see your family doctor for an overall assessment and referral if you need one. Sometimes there is a physical cause for depression, so a check up might be a good idea. Also, I noticed that you said a lot of really negative things about yourself. You might already know this, but in case you don't, depression can make us see ourselves in a very negative light - depression lies to us, makes our "faults" worse than they really are. Please don't be too hard on yourself...There's more proof of a courageous and caring person than of a lazy hypocritical failure. Stay safe, please.
     
  4. Bradlee

    Bradlee Member

    And to top it all off -

    The girl who I've been growing very close to recently. The one who almost single-handedly kept me from teetering over the edge these past few weeks, I just found out is fucking other guys. Can't really say that I blame her. I wasn't ever good enough for her anyways. I never deserved her attention in the first place.

    I'm fucking done. There's no other options at this point. I'm in such an insanely deep hole, and the way out is nowhere in sight. I can't escape the depression anymore, not even when I'm with a friend. It's always there, and it's becoming too much.

    God, I want so desperately for everything to end.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2012
  5. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    Sign me up for death. But take meds, they even your mood out/ take away the depression
     
  6. Bradlee

    Bradlee Member

    @taulidpiaf - I have been taking meds as of recent. Not prescribed medications, though. This is something I never would have done with a clear head. It's not something I'm proud of, either. But, to put it bluntly, I just don't give a shit anymore.

    Let me start off by saying this: I am not seeking attention here. I'm not asking for anyone to feel bad for me. I simply can't talk to anybody in my life about my problems, and about my thoughts. I guess I'll think of this thread as my public online journal, just someplace I can finally release all these thoughts and emotions, for they've been bottled up far too long.

    My mind is falling into a darker place, day by day. Recently (over the last two weeks, or so), everything has been getting worse; the depression, the self-loathing, the anxiety... just everything. I haven't been able to get to sleep before 4-5am for about two weeks now. I just can't seem to shut off my brain, and stop these thoughts. I've started taking various prescription medications (not mine), to try and help with this. I've taken Vicodin, Norco's, Lortabs, Ultram, Tramadol... I think there's one or two more, but I can't really remember. This is something I absolutely wouldn't have even considered doing a few months ago. It helps a bit, I guess. It helps me get through the night; some of them put me to sleep, others make me feel quite a bit better for a few hours, or however long the high lasts. Not only that, but today, I'm ashamed to say, I actually tried cocaine for the first time. I don't know what the hell's happened to me. When offered coke from a friend, for some reason I didn't think twice before I said yes. I don't care anymore, I guess. Why not do these things, really? What have I got to lose, by using them? At this very moment, I do not feel overly depressed, thankfully. I've taken a few muscle relaxers, which make me very drowsy, and a small handful of Norcos (4 or 5 I think), over the last 2 hours or so. I want desperately to sleep, and be at peace for a few hours.
     
  7. Bradlee

    Bradlee Member

    I believe it to be time, now. Tonight, or tomorrow night... Although it's already well into the night now, being it almost 4am, and I'd also like to set one or two things up, for the occasion.

    Trying to find an edit option, for my previous post... that's why I'm here. Maybe my eyes/brain aren't functionally fully, and I've just overlooked it... but I can't seem to find one. Was hoping to edit some things out of my last post, just a few things I'm not particularly proud of doing. I don't want to be thought of as a prescription drug abuser, IF someone decides to go searching through my Internet history. Oh, well. I'd just like to state that i'm NOT an avid drug user, and never have been. It's just these last few weeks, is all. Never before then.

    That's all, I guess. Just remembered posting on this site, while thinking earlier, and don't want someone close to me to get the wrong impression, if/when they happen upon this. I won't be here to explain myself at that point.

    I feel better now, having made up my mind. I'm at peace with it all. I think I will sleep tonight, and for the fist time in months, I think I will sleep well.
     
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Hi Bradlee, while I have never taken meds, I know they can cause depression and have other unfortunate side effects, so I hope that you can consider stopping taking them especially if they are not really meant for you.

    In your first post you call yourself a lot of names. Why do you think you are such a bad person? Are you really lazy, or is it merely lack of energy/focus/motivation due to depression? Have you really failed, or just not succeeded 100%? Are you really a hypocrite, if so in what way?

    The girl you mentioned - can you talk about it more? Perhaps she sees you as a friend, a nice guy she wants in her life and does not want to risk that by starting a relationship, as relationships end but friends can stay friends.
     
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