I don't know what to do, anymore. I'm lost, scared, trapped and alone. Not a single person in my life has any idea of what really goes on in my head, on a daily basis. I keep a fake smile on my face at all times. I've never confided in any of my friends or family, about how insanely unhappy and depressed I am. I don't remember exactly when my depression started, probably around age 18 (I'm 20, now). It's always been bad. It's always been hard to make it through the nights alone. I used to only feel INCREDIBLY depressed and sad, at night; at least that's when it was the worst. It's getting worse now. From the second I wake up, I feel miserable, and the feeling follows me throughout the entire day, up into the night. I don't want to live anymore. Life in general just seems so trivial to me now; We wake up, work, eat, sleep, then do it all over again. I don't want any part in it. I'm a failure. I'm lazy. I'm a hypocrite. I'm every demeaning word you could possibly come up with, and I realize it. I don't like myself, and I don't know why others do. Honestly, I feel that the people in my life, are the only reason I'm alive today. Only because I know that I would cause them pain, if I took my own life. I realize how selfish that would be. But during these last few days, I've realized that it's also a bit selfish of them, as well. If I'm not happy living, if I dread most every waking moment, why should continue? Because they would be hurt? That, in my mind, is just as selfish an act as the one I would be committing. I don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy (not including times that involve drugs or alcohol, because the happiness is short-lived). I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to be done.