want to be pushed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by grinded serenity, Sep 10, 2009.

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  1. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    As of yesterday, i was informed that when and if i finish my last year of high school, i will be kicked out for not going to college. i put the if because dropping out is prominant in my mind. dont get me wrong, im an A and B student, i passed my junior year with A's and B's. but i see no purpose in it anymore, if i dont go to college, which i wont be, then why should i finish high school? you can barely get a job at mc donalds with a diploma, let alone get one that will support me. i have no friends, so having a room mate is out of the question, my family is fed up with me and "not caring" which is really my word for wanting to die.

    i guess what im saying is, im on edge right now, and i just want to be pushed. ive been thinking about how im going to do it, ive been thinking about my suicide note, or if i should even write one. i already though about how my family will react to my death, they will be very sad, but they will eventually get over it. im a prick to my family, so they wont be too upset. my mom even said if i dont go to college i cant stay with her, my dad said the same, my brother wont take me in because hes in college himself, and can barely sustaine himself.

    id rather be dead than sleeping in the street.

    and just so you know, im a quote unquote "genius" and a "brilliant" art student. i just dont see the point anymore, why would i have these talents if im just wasting them away?

    i need a push, anything, my dad hitting me, kicking me out, something. my friend dying, which i already think happened, and he is my only friend. i just need something, i need something to push me. last night i stared at the vein in my arm wishing i could completely sever it and watch myself die.

    i need to die. it needs to happen. im tired of living like this.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    seems like you have already set yourself up to fail.
    i guess my question is, dont they have tests to see what colledge you can go to ? the year isnt over yet. why are your parents going to kick you out ?
    if you have those kind of grades, you shouldnt have any problem going to even a community colledege.
    why would you give up on yourself before the year is not even half way through ?
    if you have the desire to do more than work at a burger joint .. start gettin it on and do what you have to do.
    good luck
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    college has way more support for you. My daughter had so much support and understanding councillors. She managed better mentally in college than in highschool where the kids were just so dam cruel to her. You said yourself college education is the only way to get half decent job. Get one you will enjoy go into an area that interest you and go for it. Why make life harder on yourself then it already is. Call colleges now set up support you need before hand and everything will fall into place. Enjoy college it is so much better than highschool take care
  4. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    college isnt for me. ive lost interest in everything, and i mean EVERYTHING. i was an art student, and was going to go to tyler university to major in painting, but ive lost every bit of motivation.

    im a failure, theres no point for me to continue living like the way i do. hopefully my dad will blow up on me soon, i havent done anything today so hes going to start yelling and hopefully he will kick me out of hit me or something. i just want that push.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    lets get to the point, why have you last intrest in everything ? what brought it on ?
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you're an intelligent person and it would be such a waste if you were to hurt yourself. Why don't you want to go to college? Has anything in particular made you lose interest in High School? Have you tried talking to one of your teachers about how you're feeling?

    If you finish High School at least I can't see why you won't find a job somewhere. You really need a diploma to work in McDonalds? I never knew that. Sometimes it's a matter of looking around - do you have a career advisor or anything like that in your High School who you could talk to?

    Do you have any hobbies that you're really into. Could be anything. You could work on that and make a job out of it.

    As for the housemate situation. I can't say I know much about it as I haven't been in the situation but I've seen advertisements around asking for a flatmate to share an accommodation. It could be a way for you to make new friends. Any chance you could share with your brother?

    There are many options out there for you, please don't give up. Talk to us some more and if you feel like there's no point in doing anything then perhaps a trip to the doctors would be an advantage.

    Take care of yourself.
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