I haven't been here in quite a while... ended up self - admitting to a local hospital shortly after the last time I was here and just have not been back till today. I find myself conflicted. I really want to do it, but at the same time I don't if there's a chance I will survive. I have a reasonably "sure" plan, but it's not totally sure. And I don't want to wind up inpatient again because they all suck here... I have a therapist, but I don't know her too well yet. She's not all that helpful yet (only seen her 3 times so far). I don't know what I need. I'm tired of fighting and dealing with ever - recurring depression and self - destruct thoughts and urges. But apparently I don't want it bad enough because I'm here and not going off somewhere to kill myself. I don't know. I don't know what to do or where to turn for competent help. So far, the only thing that has ever made a difference was intensive inpatient therapy, but I don't have access to that anymore (there's no therapy in the local inpatient units my insurance would actually pay for, and there is no way I could afford self - pay). I feel like every day I'm just biding my time. Every news story on a death makes me wish I was the person that died. There are so many people that die in freak accidents, and I can't seem to make it happen no matter how hard I try or wish for it or ask for it. I don't know how to tell this therapist how badly I wish to be dead. I don't want to wind up simply contained and drugged. I either want to get real help that makes a difference, or I want out of this life. :/ nothing I have access to helps... it's just not fair. And I'm so tired of all this. I'm tired of struggling and fighting just to wind up emotionally in the same place all over again. what do you do when the only help you can get is not the help you need?