Want to cease to exist...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Petal, Sep 30, 2016.

  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Everyone hates me. Fact not thought. Annoyed, ashamed, embarrassed of myself so much that I am having nightmares about me and things that have happened. I cannot for the first time in 2.5 years cope. I would love to get blind drunk right now but that is not an option. I would love to get dressed up and go to a club but I have no friends. I have no friends anymore because I am naive and gullible and constantly used. I'm fucking sick of it, Even my niece hates me with damn good reasons to. I loathe myself right now. Had enough. I HATE, despise myself, i deserve nothing but pain, grief and hurt, i'm a spoilt brat.
     
  2. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    If it is shareable, I am curious what one of the nightmares about yourself is about. And whether it is the same recurring one or they vary?
     
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  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    They are so bad I cannot explain them here, that bad. Revolting and sick. They are recurring and sexually explicit.
     
  4. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    I have heard that sometimes if you think of a thing before you fall asleep you can dream about it. Maybe you can try a few nights thinking about a particular thing that you want to dream about and it could happen.
     
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  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you for your kind words. I still feel unwanted and a huge burden, I am lazy, lack energy, useless, worthless and an embarrassment to everyone around me. I hate this fucking place. I hate this life and I despise myself so much.
     
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Oh Petal, I'm so sorry :( I thought things were going well with your niece?
     
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  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hmmmm... they were kind of until her grandmother attacked me the other day. But I get the blame of course cos im the ''crazy'' one. Long story.

    They all hate me. I am going to put all my energy into losing weight. Going to think of nothing else. Need to lose weight, was in hospital on monday with a high heart rate.
    I feel down about my niece not talking to me, it was improving but f'ing BPD ruins everything, makes my moods unstable. I bought her lots of stuff today, but this kid is too smart, you cannot buy her. I told my psych nurse that I was very down today and she told me to have a cold shower, is she for real???
    All hate me :( I cannot even cry, im too sad which is ironic.
     
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Lynne, I have no words to change how you feel about yourself, all I can say is what my perception of you is since coming to SF. To me you're a good caring and compassionate person who always helps and encourages others( me included)
    Hugs my friend, you are loved
    Brian
     
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  9. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Sending Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
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  10. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs.
     
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  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Petal, please stay strong. You will always be a big part of theSF family and no one will ever hate you. You are kind person to everyone. You are a deserving person. Families can be cruel but please try not to take the criticism to heart.
     
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  12. Dikta

    Dikta Autistic.

    I don't hate you.
    I think you're a nice person, who likes to help people.

    So I hope you'll stay strong, there's a lot of people who likes you as you are.
     
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  13. WALLY GASKIN

    WALLY GASKIN Well-Known Member

    Dear Petal,I dont hate you.You give some of the best advice on this forum.You are a very well loved person here,and I read your stuff all the time.When I was in my prime,I was handsome and well built,and popular.Now I am not in my prime,and feel very unpopular.Would love to get wasted,and forget about everything for a nite.No family left ,and zero friends in the real world.Getting older SUCKS,and adds to the already problems.Wish I could push a button,and make every ones problems go away.Until then we have SF.You will snap out of it.Take care,and may the force be with you...
     
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  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart, I'm so glad to see my friends on here care about me, ye are very kind. Since I made this post my mom and I had a chinese together, so she is back talking to me, I also talked to her about feeling that everyone hate me, she said that is not true at all, she said they just don't understand me. She told me she has read a lot about BPD online so she knows the score. Thanks for the support and those were harsh words I said earlier, I just had a freak ''moment''.
     
  15. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Glad you are feeling better now. When you feel this way again, remember how many people here care about you, and hopefully that will put a smile on your face :)
     
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  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I want to add that I don't hate you and never have. *hug* I'm glad that things have brightened for you since you started this thread. :)

    I have the sense from what I've read about BPD that it kind of "inflates" feelings and maybe twists one's perspective on things. The roller coaster ups and downs would be hard for the person and maybe for the people around them because no one can see right inside to someone else's point of view completely. Please, acknowledge your good points. Pat yourself on the back for realizing that grandma "scapegoated" you because you are the "crazy" one (you're not crazy, you're ultra sensitive to a feeling and/or fear of rejection, I think). It takes insight to be able to look at a situation and see that maybe others have their own distorted thinking, too. I'm really pleased you and your mom had a good chat!
     
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  17. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Petal, please don't base so much of your feelings on your weight! Your weight is not you! You are the beautiful person inside. The one who cares about everyone on SF and takes so much time to respond and help. I have been fat all my life and hated myself because of it. I don't want to see you do the same! A person is so much more then their body. And basing to much on physical appearance can really lead to more grief and depression. Think about all the people you have helped on this site. And then smile and hug yourself.
     
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  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you all so much. @Acy Yes, that's exactly what she did she scape goated me. How dare she, I told her if you think you are going to bully me you picked the wrong girl. Shall I mention how it started? She made a sarcastic remark about the pregnancy I had when I was 14(which was a very traumatising time for me), I was minding my own business and she started on me for no reason other than she's a bit loopy. BPD really is going to leave me with no friends or family. It's destroying me and I can't handle the chaotic relationships. It is too much.

    @SillyOldBear Thank you hun, you are right. But I do need to lose a lot of weight, I can't even look into the mirror anymore. It's nearly 6 am here. I have just woken up because I set my alarm for this time so that could go walking at 7-8am. I do know what you mean though, there is so much more to a person than their weight. Thanks for the kind words, I will try not to focus everything on my weight.

    @Witty_Sarcasm You're an angel thank you <3
     
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  19. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    im sorry your struggling so much my dear friend
    sorry i dont have much to offer right now im very clouded

    but you are such a beautiful person my dear, and i just wish i was able to help you see it for yourself

    take care my lovely xoxoxox
     
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  20. WALLY GASKIN

    WALLY GASKIN Well-Known Member

    Hey Petal,let me know what I can do.Until next time,you have an extra large internet HUG from me...
     
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