first off, I really want to try and avoid the mental hospital. I've been there a number of times and they are really pretty terrible, at least because I have a physical disability. I have a lot of chronic pain from Rheumatoid arthritis (being in physical pain all the time is part of why I'm depressed) and they don't like to let me have my medication. Last time they refused to give me my pain meds. It was a nightmare. I signed myself out AMA and attempted suicide the next day. I really want to hurt myself though. The reason I haven't done it is because I don't want to hurt my friends. They really seem to care. They have told me that they love me. I have like five or six people who know about my suicidal feelings. and have been really kind to me. Some are new friends I just met on facebook rather recently,like friends of friends, but we got close fast. I have a few that have been my friends for years. They set up a facebook group for me. A few months back, when I first started struggling. I'm not in it- its a place where my friends can get info about me and talk about how to keep me alive. Who has friends like that? I feel like I owe it to them to stay alive. They would be hurt, right? I feel like if I died it would be ungrateful. But I still really want to die. Is there a way to commit suicide and not hurt others? Can I write a note to explain to them they aren't responsible? I really want to die, but my friends want me to live. I could try being real mean to them but they'd see through it if I tried to push them away, I know they would. I m hurting so very very much. I want to die, and it will all be over. If I am gone, and dead, it won't matter to me what happens to the living because I won't be aware of them or anything, at least I don't think so. So I wont' suffer.......I won't; have to face them....but still..... I am losing my counselor, that is what I"m most upset about now. I have a great one. My insurance wont' pay for her anymore I can't afford to pay outof pocket for counseling. I have bipolar disorder and OCD and PTSD from abusive childhood and sexual assault when I was a teenager (date rape, pretty much, although I feel funny about calling it rape and I feel like I'm a fraud. But people have told me it fits the definition, and I still have nightmares about it. BuButy anyway.....I wish I could make my friends stop caring. I just don't know what to do. What if there IS an afterlife and I have to see their suffering? that would be the worst hell imaginable. I have been keeping myself from doing it because of them. I don't want to hurt them. But I want my pain to end!!!