Want to commit suicide, but don't want to hurt my loved ones

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sara856, Nov 8, 2014.

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  1. sara856

    sara856 Account Closed

    first off, I really want to try and avoid the mental hospital. I've been there a number of times and they are really pretty terrible, at least because I have a physical disability. I have a lot of chronic pain from Rheumatoid arthritis (being in physical pain all the time is part of why I'm depressed) and they don't like to let me have my medication. Last time they refused to give me my pain meds. It was a nightmare. I signed myself out AMA and attempted suicide the next day.

    I really want to hurt myself though. The reason I haven't done it is because I don't want to hurt my friends. They really seem to care. They have told me that they love me. I have like five or six people who know about my suicidal feelings. and have been really kind to me. Some are new friends I just met on facebook rather recently,like friends of friends, but we got close fast. I have a few that have been my friends for years.

    They set up a facebook group for me. A few months back, when I first started struggling. I'm not in it- its a place where my friends can get info about me and talk about how to keep me alive. Who has friends like that? I feel like I owe it to them to stay alive.

    They would be hurt, right? I feel like if I died it would be ungrateful. But I still really want to die. Is there a way to commit suicide and not hurt others? Can I write a note to explain to them they aren't responsible? I really want to die, but my friends want me to live. I could try being real mean to them but they'd see through it if I tried to push them away, I know they would.

    I m hurting so very very much. I want to die, and it will all be over. If I am gone, and dead, it won't matter to me what happens to the living because I won't be aware of them or anything, at least I don't think so. So I wont' suffer.......I won't; have to face them....but still.....

    I am losing my counselor, that is what I"m most upset about now. I have a great one. My insurance wont' pay for her anymore I can't afford to pay outof pocket for counseling. I have bipolar disorder and OCD and PTSD from abusive childhood and sexual assault when I was a teenager (date rape, pretty much, although I feel funny about calling it rape and I feel like I'm a fraud. But people have told me it fits the definition, and I still have nightmares about it. BuButy anyway.....I wish I could make my friends stop caring. I just don't know what to do. What if there IS an afterlife and I have to see their suffering? that would be the worst hell imaginable. I have been keeping myself from doing it because of them. I don't want to hurt them. But I want my pain to end!!!
     
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Sara856, Thanks for your post, I feel sorry for your pain, I don't know what you're going through, but it sounds really difficult. I was very happy to read you have such loyal and loving friends, isn't that a huge gift? Wouldn't it be worth just appreciating this gift all day long, alongside with the clarity of your mind, knowing what you want and knowing what you don't want, it seems like you know what is suitable for you and what is not. Those are two very valuable things.

    I'm in pain too, not physical pain, but I suffer a lot. I have suffered so much that ending my life was my only hope for ending it. However, I did a tremendous quest on what happens after we die, what happens when we commit suicide, is there an afterlife, what is the message of pain and suffering etc. and at the end of this quest I came to the conclusion that I want to live on. Now, if you want to read my story, you can find it in the section on success strategies, it was posted there just yesterday (it's called: Spiritual view on suicide, this is helping me through). I still suffer a lot, and I will for the rest of my life, but I have found purpose in it.

    As to your chronical pain, here is another link that you might want to listen too:
    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vividl...on-with-gangaji-episode-1-facing-chronic-pain
    And look for Eckhart Tolle videos on youtube.

    I hope the links in my own story will be of benefit to you too.
     
  3. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Hey, this is me, talia, with my other account, which is now inactive – I accidentally had two accounts and I didn't realize they were both working. So please reply to me in my other thread – and I'm really sorry for messing things up
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    That sucks that you're losing your Therapist due to insurance reasons. Are you maxed out on your insurance or is it because of a new policy?
     
  5. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    Hold on! I know it sucks, but they really care about you.. I have some friends and they regularly tell me that they love me and care about me and that they do not want me to commit suicide. It's hard to believe sometimes, especially when I want to do it so desperately.. But even the smallest hesitation reminds me that I sort of believe what they tell me.. I can't kill myself if there are people out here that love me.. When I hesitate, it means that I care about the way they feel.. Which means that there's something left for me to care about.. I realized that I would only be able to kill myself when I don't feel anything anymore.. not even for my friends and family..

    And it really sucks that you're losing your therapist.. If I could only give you mine.. I'm not the person that talks easily, especially not with strangers.. So I'm thinking about quitting.. But my dutch insurance keep paying, whether I want it or not. It sucks that you have to give up on your therapist only because the insurance doesn't want to pay it..

    But still.. if you still feel sorry for your friends or when you want to stay alive because you don't want to hurt them, don't do it..
    If you want someone to talk to, pm me and I will be there if you need someone to talk to. I know how hard it is. I constantly want my pain to end.. But I'm like the strongest and most convincing person when it comes to convincing others not to commit suicide ;)
     
  6. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lee I might take you up on that. Can I pm you on here sometime?
     
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