Want to die.A year clean. Long Distance BF.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Selena9630, Jun 18, 2013.

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  1. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    I think my long distance boyfriend killed himself. We've been dating for a while now. He has depression. And before we went out he hurt himself a lot. Because of me. I hurt him so many times. But I never meant to. (texting can cause some misunderstanding) Anyways he told me he loved me and I did to,so we started dating. Being away we try to be close as possible. Until yesterday he told me a story about his ex-girfriend. And that really bothered me.*
    He asked me whats wrong. I said,"Its nothing. It doesnt matter."*

    "No you can tell me anything. And it does matter."*
    So ive asked him questions. Like When was your last relashionship? Are you over her?"*

    He said "yehh" So i texted him a respond he gave me while back,"Sadly in Novemeber 23 <\3" Attached to it I said,"Doesnt sound like it."*
    His respond to that was."Well yah I have days like 'Wish we were together longer."*

    And i felt like he wasn't over her. Then I responded,"So i take that as a no..."*

    He didnt reply. So i text him again,"You didnt even answer my question."*

    he asked,"What question."*

    At this point I felt sad/angry. So instead of causeing more problems i ignore his texts. BIG MISTAKE.*

    Later he said,"I got it under control My shirts bloody. Thanks for the fuckin help.Also you didnt even ask the question you were bitching about what the fuck Selena. " when he told me this I started crying because he'd never yelled at me like this. The cursing just hurt. I didn't reply back. Later he asked me.
    "When was my last relationship."*
    I said "February and november"
    "Is February and November in the past, present, or future?"
    "Past." I felt hurt so I did what he wanted.
    "You know, there's a reason people don't question their past relationships.. Idgaf anymore i'm gonna lose more blood..."
    "Don't. I'll never bring it up no more. I'll keep my mouth shut. Don't. just stop." I've been in an abusive relationship before where my ex didnt care about my feelings. So I responded like that.
    " Notice how everything was good, until you decided to bring that shit up.. And you said it yourself, you cant stop me, so why keep trying."His responce
    "I'll never give up on you. Even when your mad. Even when your sad. Even if I'm angry. Or even if you hurt me." i wanted to give him hope.
    "Diuytrutj." that's the last thing he said to me and I don't even know what he meant. I replied back apologizing. I don't know if he's dead or not cause he won't reply back. I don't know what to do. I've been crying all day. I just want to kill myself because I can't take it. By the way I've been 1 year sober since my last cut/suicide attempt. I feel guilty and I just want to die because I deserve it. What if he is dead? I'm the reason why he did it. I would never get to tell him I love him again. I just want to die. <mod edit - methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
  2. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    Anyone? Ive never felt so alone. :(
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Call his parents and ask them if he is okay.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is not your fault if he chooses to harm himself it is his decision and what he did to you would be called emotional abuse He is harming you hun You are not a fault for anything ok
    Call his parents or the hospitals in his area and see if he is admitted to one don't blame you
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Long distance relationships are tricky business for anyone who enters into one.

    Echoing the words of others - You are not at fault for his choice of actions. You enquired about a past relationship of his, which, given the way relationships seem to be going these days, didn't sound like a bad thing to do. For him then to react in the way he did, blaming you for his actions, is again, as mentioned above, emotional abuse.

    You do not deserve to die because of someone who manipulated your words against you like that. You actually deserve far better - to be treated with respect, to live, and to build on the 1 year clean. That in itself is an encouraging point to reach.
  6. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    Thank you. So much. I just don't know what a relashionship is suppose to be actually about. You've made me realize things i didnt know. thank you.
  7. fallenangel

    fallenangel Member

    a relationship is meant for both parties to build one another up...

    i truly hope that all is good and well between you and your bf, and that he is fine...

    i agree that long distance relationships are tricky as the physical distance and even time difference might take its toll on the relationship...

    stay strong on your side, and build your emotions on solid rock foundations that will not waiver in trouble times like this...
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi selena. I agree with what pickwithaustin, total eclipse and unimportant have said. what he does, or does not do is never going to be your fault. or even your responsibility. Please do not blame yourself. And please do not take your own life because of him. Just keep posting here. You will not be alone here. :hug:
  9. frypan367

    frypan367 Well-Known Member

    He contradicts himself over and over and over and pretends to be too weak to remember his past relationship. Yet he can text. Then the next minute he suddenly remembers everything. Blames everything on you.

    You don't deserve this BS.
  10. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    It's gotten worse. His mom just saved him from trying to hang himself. She facebooked me telling me. I told him we have two options 1.) Focus on getting stable 2.) Discontinue communication. His reply was 1.) impossible 2.) If we ever stop communication in any way. I'll literally die. He told me to pick and I did. I gave him this

    "I say things that hurt you. I've told you in the beginning that I would. You are to fragile and you still are. I've talked to my older authority figure and they told me. Why does he want to kill himself? Why do that when he's happy with you? I replied I didn't know. Ive gave you choice and you didn't take them. Now it's my turn. Your a great guy, but I've did more damange than I could fix. I tired and fail repeatedly. Your mother thinks I'm a "bitch" I don't care, but bitch to me sounds more like "she's a horrible woman son tried to kill himself." can't go through that again. I won't block you or unfriend you, but I would have to let you go. It's just I keep thinking one day it'll go to far and you'll actually be gone this time. I can't live with that. Your just in high school. You should have fun. One broken heart shouldn't stop you from living your life. You have plenty of time to find your soul mate. Who would love you and understand they ways you are. Cause I suck. Worst girlfriend ever! You don't deserve my problems/pain. You deserve to be happy."

    And then he said oh ok, wow, bye now. I just logged out and just kept out of it. I didn't talk to him. Now this morning I woke up free because honestly I feel like he was tying me down. There was no way out. Until he facebooked me telling me "What would happen if I drank pine sol?" "What about pain thinner?" I'm trapped all over again. I just I feel guilt of what I put him through. I want to suffer cause it's all my fault. I want to be beaten,rapped,stabbed,shot, and die cause its to much.
  11. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    Please he has the rope again. I don't know why his parents didn't take it away???? Can't take it anymore. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! HATE IT HATE IT!!!!
  12. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    I punched a hole through the wall ironically it's shaped like a heart. I threw a cup at my window. There is glass everywhere. I am picking it up trying not to hurt myself. Now I'm thinking. A year of sobriety I don't care no more. Squeezing glass between hands.
  13. Selena9630

    Selena9630 Member

    Someone please help. :(
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    selena, I am an old lady :D and I want to talk to you as a mom would. I think this is too much for you to handle alone. Way too much. you mentioned you have been sober for a year. Thats great. Are you in a recovery program ? And if so, can you go to a meeting and talk? And if not, do you have a therapist who you can call? This is way too much to handle alone. can you think of any local recource you can turn to ... in addition of course to coming here. If you can find a place locally to help you, it might somehow help him. sometimes a professional can give advice re this. Just a thought.

    if you live in the US and have no way to get help, you can call united way. their phone number is 211. they can tell you about help in your area. I have called them myself. Keep posting. And please let me know if you were able to reach out locally. okay? :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2013
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