Hi Me again. I stopped going to my volunteering and can't concentrate on my degree. This leaves sitting at home playing my guitar/sleeping. I'd rather be dead than sit at home playing my guitar/sleeping, but it's just my stupid survival instinct/fear of the act of dying that keeps me alive. Really sick of my parents right now. My mum called me a "disappointment, an embarrassment" and said "you're using mental illness as an excuse now." I can see her point. She said this because I didn't go to an occupational therapy appointment today. I didn't want to do the 2 mile walk across town with my social phobia and low motivation (caused by schizophrenia), just to have the same discussion I've been having for the past month with my OT and have her trying to make me do stuff. The psychiatrist is away on holiday anyway so it's not like I can get any med changes out of the OT appointment. My dad is also angry. He says, "if you're living here, it's uni or volunteering with a view to work." I can understand that he's paying for me, so I have to do my best for him. But there's another part of me that thinks "You got me into this mess by reproducing. The only thing keeping me here is my fear of dying. I'm miserable, and am even more miserable when you try to make me do stuff. It's all your fault. You have enough money to support me just doing the things I enjoy, but they don't value my happiness that highly. You want me to put on a show and appear "normal" and do "normal stuff." I have a method in mind tonight, but I probably won't go through with it because it's quite grizzly and probably painful. I feel angry with my government. They expect me to work or die (fair enough I guess, from certain points of view), but they restrict all the easier methods of dying advocated by the assisted suicide organisations. I also feel my parents won't let me try the things that will actually give me a bearable life. E.g. in the last week I've written about 5 songs for which there is possibly a market, which might allow me to move out of my parents' house and not have to live off anyone else, but they say "Forget about that silly idea. Just get a job or go to uni." I'd rather be dead. The obvious solution is to get a job to support my hobbies. But I'm generally incapable with my issues. I'd come home off my 40-50 hour week of minimum wage (don't feel capable of qualifying for anything better, and not sure it'd be any easier or less time consuming than min wage), and be exhausted and probably lie in bed all evening. I've been asked to apply for certain government support things now, because I'm struggling to work. I find it degrading in a way (no offence, but I feel like I'm so crap at life that I can't do anything to a good enough standard to make my own money), and part of the support is that I have to show them I'm looking for work and go to work if I get a job. I wouldn't mind just living off a bus pass I'll get on mental health grounds and £50 a week, and wandering around the country, but know they won't let me do that. I understand that because of their politics/morality, a lot of people won't sympathise with my predicament. I just really think that work is worse than death for me, but I have a survival instinct.