Want to die because of pressure to work

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scareddude, Jul 15, 2014.

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  1. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Hi

    Me again.

    I stopped going to my volunteering and can't concentrate on my degree. This leaves sitting at home playing my guitar/sleeping. I'd rather be dead than sit at home playing my guitar/sleeping, but it's just my stupid survival instinct/fear of the act of dying that keeps me alive. Really sick of my parents right now.

    My mum called me a "disappointment, an embarrassment" and said "you're using mental illness as an excuse now." I can see her point. She said this because I didn't go to an occupational therapy appointment today. I didn't want to do the 2 mile walk across town with my social phobia and low motivation (caused by schizophrenia), just to have the same discussion I've been having for the past month with my OT and have her trying to make me do stuff. The psychiatrist is away on holiday anyway so it's not like I can get any med changes out of the OT appointment.

    My dad is also angry. He says, "if you're living here, it's uni or volunteering with a view to work." I can understand that he's paying for me, so I have to do my best for him.

    But there's another part of me that thinks "You got me into this mess by reproducing. The only thing keeping me here is my fear of dying. I'm miserable, and am even more miserable when you try to make me do stuff. It's all your fault. You have enough money to support me just doing the things I enjoy, but they don't value my happiness that highly. You want me to put on a show and appear "normal" and do "normal stuff."

    I have a method in mind tonight, but I probably won't go through with it because it's quite grizzly and probably painful. I feel angry with my government. They expect me to work or die (fair enough I guess, from certain points of view), but they restrict all the easier methods of dying advocated by the assisted suicide organisations.

    I also feel my parents won't let me try the things that will actually give me a bearable life. E.g. in the last week I've written about 5 songs for which there is possibly a market, which might allow me to move out of my parents' house and not have to live off anyone else, but they say "Forget about that silly idea. Just get a job or go to uni." I'd rather be dead. The obvious solution is to get a job to support my hobbies. But I'm generally incapable with my issues. I'd come home off my 40-50 hour week of minimum wage (don't feel capable of qualifying for anything better, and not sure it'd be any easier or less time consuming than min wage), and be exhausted and probably lie in bed all evening.

    I've been asked to apply for certain government support things now, because I'm struggling to work. I find it degrading in a way (no offence, but I feel like I'm so crap at life that I can't do anything to a good enough standard to make my own money), and part of the support is that I have to show them I'm looking for work and go to work if I get a job.

    I wouldn't mind just living off a bus pass I'll get on mental health grounds and £50 a week, and wandering around the country, but know they won't let me do that.

    I understand that because of their politics/morality, a lot of people won't sympathise with my predicament. I just really think that work is worse than death for me, but I have a survival instinct.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Scaredude,
    Life is tough and parents can be a pain but perhaps it's a case of tough love. You passion for music is inspiring but you need to consider will it pay for your independence when you eventually move away from home. Perhaps you can use it as a release mechanism for the stress you experience.

    You are NOT a disappointment at all and you do have a right to live life as you like. You are a individual on this earth. Do not let such comments make you feel down. It's disheartening to hear such comments but do not take them to heart. It's hard to take when it comes from your parents as it can be ignored from other people like friends.

    The job situation is tough at the moment but just continue with your life and enjoy your passion for music. You have right to enjoy your passion and do not let anyone say different.

    I hope this posts help, take care and keep posting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2014
  3. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Yeah

    I just don't see what's in it for me if I go to work. It makes them feel less guilty if I haven't killed myself and makes them look like better parents, but I'll be miserable. I'm so fucking fed up. I just want to be dead.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Please read the rest of post I just re-edited. Do not worry but please speak to someone about your current feelings. You can PM me anytime. Please take care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2014
  5. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Thank you

    There is no one to speak to though. They think I'm crying wolf because I've said this crap so many times in the past.

    My OT doesn't care. She downplays it and says "they're just thoughts." My psychiatrist doesn't care. I haven't seen him in 3 months.

    My parents hate me. My siblings aren't around that much. That's everyone in my life.

    Talking to people wouldn't help anyway. I'm just tired of feeling awful. Talking to people won't change that.
     
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Scareddude,

    I'm so sorry that you are in such a state. If it helps I CARE and DO NOT want you take your life. Yes, life is tough but there is NO need to have negative thoughts. You are going through a terrible dark time where you feel all alone but we here to listen and support you in hour of need.

    Your life is important and you have the right to live you life as you like. I think you need should change OT and psychiatrist as they just giving negative feedback and NOT the support you need. Whilst you I are in the darkness just start to build your confidence by taking one day at a time. It's going to take time and I believe in YOU. You are not alone in this world in suffering with darkness.

    Please DO NOT do anything as your life is worth a lot to us here on this forum. Remember you are NOT a crying wolf but someone who needs help in this hour of need. You seem like a wonderful person who just needs someone to listen to you.

    Please keep posting or PM me and I will listen and try my damn hardest to help you to get through this darkest period.

    Now just take deep breaths and just no more negative thoughts. Take care my friend and keep posting.
     
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Why think its your parents fault they got you in this mess by reproduction?

    You wouldnt even exist and be here posting in the first place making that comment. That alone proves that youre here for a reason whatever it is you exist because its meant to be.

    Im not going to cheapen your post as I understand its frustrating trying to make it out there especially an aspiring musican , its a dog eat dog world out there. If you got the passion and drive to make 5 songs, im sure its feastible for you to find a niche in the job market that you can maximize your talent of creativity and imagination and apply it. While still doing music on the side so you still can make both worlds balance each other out. We gotta accept it sometimes we cant always get what we want in life. Just do what you gotta do in order to meet your goals, small steps one at a time by then you got your mojo flowing and making it work out there. Its okay to fall down and make mistakes its the way it is for us to learn and grow into a better person.

    Im struggling with mental illness that has some similar symptoms of schizophrenia and understand how rough it can be some days to get going or do ordinary routine things other people take granted for. Its brutal for me at the end of the day I just want to give up on everything sometimes just to let you know youre not alone dealing with it.
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I've thought the same shit before many times...My family's called me a disappointment and embarrassment, and this and that, and when they say that I can't help but think "It's your fault I'm here in the first place. You chose to reproduce while not giving me a choice in it, and now you're upset that I'm a worthless piece of shit, even though you put this worthless piece of shit here." So I understand where you're coming from there, I really do...I know a lot of other people would disagree because "life is a blessing" and "you should be thanking them for giving you life" and blah blah blah. But I ain't one of 'em. So, just thought I'd let you know you're not alone in that. I also understand why you didn't want to go to therapy. I've given up on therapy a while ago myself because it never worked for me and I got tired of talking about the same shit just to keep getting the same results over and over again. Plus, you mentioned social anxiety which I have as well, very badly, so I understand that too. I think your family's wrong in how they're dealing with the situation...very wrong. And by doing that, it just makes it worse, I think, for everybody involved. However, and this is another thing we have in common too, I remember you saying before that you drink, and I'm a heroin addict. And let me tell you, having issues with substance abuse has stopped me from being able to do so many things before. I can't keep a job even if I do get one, I can't keep up with going to school, and I don't even care enough to take care of myself the way that I should, or leave the house for anything unless it's going to help me get high somehow. I don't know how bad your drinking is, but if it's constant like that then it's going to be a big reason why accomplishing something is going to be difficult. Addiction is a huge roadblock/obstacle to overcome if you're trying to get your life together. So honestly, I would recommend trying to tackle that before anything else. Have you tried going to AA? If you went to several meetings a week, it might actually help you, and might show your parents that you are trying to get your life together.
     
  9. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    If you're not well enough to work then of course you need to apply for support. I said to someone else on this forum that I am proud to live in a country that supports people who are ill, old or vulnerable; even if that support isn't as much as it should be.
    As for your parents I am sorry that they treat you the way that they do. If they think that MH is an 'excuse' then they've obviously got no idea so are not worth listening to!
    Keep writing and working on your music and if your parents don't like it then perhaps need to talk to your MH team about finding other accommodation. Believe me life is worth living, especially when you are a creative person.
     
  10. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Thanks to everyone for the replies. I genuinely thought I was going to do it. All the methods on offer are grizzly though. Perhaps that's a blessing. If they had legalised certain methods, I think I'd be gone. Genuinely.

    You're right about substance abuse. I've had 22.5 units of alcohol over the last 16 hours (that's 3 litres of 7.5% cider). I have to stop. I've also been smoking a lot of tobacco.

    I think I might be bipolar, but the symptoms could be caused by my substance abuse.
     
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